Sometimes in our lives you have an unexpected memory pop up, and you have to remember that there are no coincidences in our interactions with others and what they present to you in your heart, especially when there are no words spoken that specifically point to a past experience. I am so grateful for everyone in my life, as they teach me something new every moment. Recently I have been talking to a teacher of mine named Cliff Edwards that is publishing a book called The Forgiveness Handbook. Cliff and I were talking about how forgiveness opens doorways in our lives to new possibilities because it gives us relief to our attachments to the past. In my work, attachment is a major component to the creation of our limiting perceptions.
As I was pondering our conversation, a song by the Weepies came on called “All that I Want.” As I heard it I started thinking about a moment in my life where I was told by my ex-husband that he had been having an affair. That emotion of the past started creeping to the surface in the form of tears even though I thought it was gone. I was in the middle of some hefty coaching training at the time, so I was constantly in a process, dealing with this giant eruption that just blew into my life without abandon and no warning. I remember being on a lesson call, and I expressed to all my classmates how much of a struggle it was at that moment to feel forgiveness for the feelings of betrayal I had felt in that moment. I could barely say the words without my voice straining with emotion, but I remember being told I needed to focus on what I needed at that point in time to take care of myself at that stage of my grief.
I realize now that I have not fully forgiven him. It was not only for the affair, but it was also for bringing into my life this precious soul, his daughter, and how I didn’t want to hurt her by making a choice to leave the relationship. I put myself into the situation, but I felt like a victim. I didn’t want her to feel the pain I was feeling, I didn’t want the holidays to be ruined. I didn’t want to lose her. So I chose to stay, and exercise the desire to forgive in an effort to keep my life together.
In the end, it all fell apart anyway. And in the end, I lost that relationship with his daughter. But I do realize, that fully forgiving my ex-husband and myself will open new doorways for me and her. I would have dreams with her, and we would be whispering to one another so that her father would not hear us talking. When I would awaken I would just pray that her heart was full of the love she deserved and that she could forgive me. Now, I need to fill my heart with the love I deserve as well, by allowing forgiveness in conjunction with this surrender to be complete. Our potential in our lives to experience joy from moment to moment is so great. Through the experience of forgiveness we finally become aware of our greatest potential to live and be loved. The opportunity to align our self-perception with one of complete acceptance can set us free from the idea that we are not free.
Close your eyes, and ask your heart to reveal to you a moment in time where you need to still forgive. It could be anything- just trust what you see, experience the emotion and remember- you are not alone.