Tag Archives: Self Perception

Heartbroken? Keep on Dancing.

June 17, 2016Grief, Life Coachcarl jung, Don McClean, grief, Heartbroken, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uAsV5-Hv-7U, Jimmy Fallon, Magnetic Fields, Orlando, Perception, Self Perception, self-love, The Cure, The Day the Music Died, The Guardian, The Shadow, Tracks, Walt Whitman, Washington DCBorn to Be

Recommended Reading Soundtrack: Nothing Matters When We’re Dancing by Magnetic Fields on 69 Love Songs

Right now, my heart is broken. I feel a compelling desire to write about it and connect with all of you who similarly feel the same teary-eyed dinginess that surfaces when you get in your car and turn on the radio, only to be confronted with senseless violence and a loss of life. A moment in time when a celebration of life turned into a final farewell.

They say emotions are the life blood of creativity. When I write, my emotions are definitely a driving force in what I choose to express and share with the world. That’s why some of the best songs, stories or poems are about heartbreak.

And heartbreak comes in many forms. Think Walt Whitman’s “Oh Captain, My Captain.” Or, “The Day the Music Died” and American Pie by Don McClean. I could go on for hours. And I must add for the record- the heartbreak I’m referring to is not a marketing “brand.” Seriously? (For more info on this new ego tripping idea, I suggest you read this recent article headline in The Guardian – gripping indeed.)

The geek in me can’t help but feel a disturbance in the force. We’re all connected and when something like this happens it is hard not to feel like crap. The one thing I thought immediately when I heard the news from Orlando was that the attacker was not what the media was portraying him to be. There was something lurking under the surface and it made my heart hurt. This stuff about terrorism just seemed like another smoke screen used by a lost and desperate soul willing to do anything to make others feel as miserable as himself.

To deny our truth, to hate ourselves – this is truly one of the greatest motivators for violence on this planet. Jung said this about inner denial and the shadow that leads weak minds like the Orlando attacker (I refuse to write his name) down a path of utter disregard for life.

“The change of character brought about by the uprush of collective forces is amazing. A gentle and reasonable being can be transformed into a maniac or a savage beast. One is always inclined to lay the blame on external circumstances, but nothing could explode in us if it had not been there. As a matter of fact, we are constantly living on the edge of a volcano, and there is, so far as we know, no way of protecting ourselves from a possible outburst that will destroy everybody within reach.” Carl Jung, Psychology and Religion” (1938). In CW 11: Psychology and Religion: West and East. P.25

You can’t help but notice the brutal irony of this shadow that has acted out during a celebration of pride in owning your true self.

The outpouring of love has been tremendous by so many since early Sunday morning. As I scroll through Facebook I find myself in tears again and again as I witness messages of kindness and a desire to pull together and become the greatest version of our collective self. One of those that really moved me was Jimmy Fallon’s statement regarding this devastating event.

Keep on dancing.

Fallon gave an emotional speech in response to Orlando’s tragic event which he graciously ended with “Keep loving each other. Keep respecting each other. And, Keep on dancing.”

As I became an adult one of my favorite places to dance and just be myself was a popular gay-owned bar in DC called Tracks. Tracks was the kind of place that welcomed everybody. The diversity in their events brought people from all walks of life together- gay and straight. It was a place that enabled me to simply feel safe to express myself and grow as an individual. I’m assuming the Pulse nightclub was very similar.

After 9/11 happened I remember sitting in my living room in Mt. Pleasant, DC, with friends sharing in our grief. The images on the television just escalated from the worse to the worst imaginable. Much like the Orlando shootings, I wish I could just be in a living room with those that I love, even strangers, just to know that I am connected in this grief.

It is easy to become isolated in this world of technology, but on the flip side it is also easy to feel how connected we all are in sharing our compassionate selves through words, music, pictures. Although this may not be the same as the touch of someone’s hand upon yours when you feel emotionally isolated, life is worth the big love that you infuse into it every day.

That in itself is one of the greatest actions we could take in honor of those that lost their lives this week. Being there for one another, and to keep on dancing.

Let’s Rock Big Love!

It’s Time Again! Asheville Musician Gavin Conner on Sharing Without Expectations

February 19, 2016Life Coach, Owning Your Uncool: The SeriesAlmost Famous, Asheville, Dang Birds, Ferris Bueller, Gavin Conner, Kermit the Frog, Lester Bangs, Life Purpose, Owning Your Uncool, Perception, pop culture, Robert Smith, Self Perception, Star Wars, The CureBorn to Be

Recommended Reading Soundtrack: Another Bun in the Oven by Gavin Conner on Dang Birds featuring “Ah-oohs” by Henson Conner

Ignoring Your Heart’s Aspirations Is Not an Option

Some of the most painful, laughable and beautiful lessons I’ve endured in my life had to do with lying. It wasn’t about lying to other people. It had to do with lying to myself. Coming to that realization and choosing accountability for your role in all your relationships is a big part of getting to know yourself.

It’s like when I’m running on a Saturday morning and I’m suddenly smoked by the last winner of the Boston Marathon. I don’t sit there and lie to myself that in my dreams I could ever perform like that kind of elite athlete; but for some reason when it comes to jobs or life partners, it is not so obvious.

Acknowledging our ability to creatively alter the truth around life’s choices is what “owning your uncool” is all about. Asheville based musician and teacher, Gavin Conner, is one of those fellow humans that truly embodies the spirit of owning this truth and following through with your heart’s passion. This is why I am thrilled to feature him and his personal experience in February’s “Owning Your Uncool” blog post.

Gavin Conner, Musician, Teacher & Muppet Enthusiast Extraordinaire!

When I think of Gavin Conner, I think of that scene in Moulin Rouge when Ewan McGregor looks to the camera with the cheesiest grin he can possibly muster and shouts, “Love is like oxygen!” Not that Gavin is cheesy (well maybe he can be a little, but this is what makes him so awesome!).

Whatever our creative endeavors may be, music for Gavin is like “the force” in Star Wars. And just like “the force,” you can’t ignore what your heart wants, especially if it causes an internal awakening and simultaneous war with the dark side. Think “South Park”, Robert Smith of the Cure, and Barbara Streisand’s downfall.

I’ve known Gavin since high school. He and his closest family members have all been teachers to me on a grand scale and I don’t know who I would be without them, seriously. Between non-stop debating on the music industry and teaching me what it means to live life every day to the fullest with unconditional love, I have found myself eternally grateful for their gifts and enduring legacy of the heart. I hope Gavin’s personal story gives you the same inspiration around honoring your gifts and standing by them.

The Question Can you tell my readers about a time in your life where you felt that same “uncool” and isolation inside as the character in Almost Famous, and how you used that moment to propel yourself forward in your life?

The Answer In 2009, I finally got my crack at a full time teaching position at a middle school in North Carolina. It had been about eight years in the making. I started out sporadically substitute teaching in Virginia and convinced myself this was a worthy career, something I could really get into. A few years later with post graduate studies and student teaching under my belt, I relocated, readjusted credentials and finally got my foot in the door! It started out great, but as the year progressed it dawned on me that I was merely a pawn in the hell that is Middle School life!

Bueller? Bueller?

Kreg_Franco_Kermit_Ferris — Artwork by Illustrator Kreg Franco on Behance.net

It became exactly what I remembered from my own youth. Sadly it wasn’t the ruthless and mostly ungrateful students that would break me, it was the administration. As I ‘’toughed” it out they offered no support, and when I asked for support they gave stall tactics. What was even more disturbing? I got a peek behind the curtain of the public education system and it wasn’t pretty. Standardized tests were the bottom line and everything else was filler. Of course, I know not all public schools are as warped as this and even within my school, 98% of the staff were amazing but one Principal, (reminiscent of Mr. Rooney in Ferris Buller) was enough for me to see that this was not what I had been working so hard to be a part of.

Doing the Right Thing

So needless to say, after a full year of not only being told I was very uncool by the students but feeling very uncool in my soul (thanks to Mr. Rooney) I felt pretty devastated. Here I was trying to do a noble job, the right thing! And no one was helping me embrace it. I am a songwriter at heart, but am rational enough to know there needs to be a stable, “real job” to balance the artistic dream. So the best way I could own my uncool was: end the school year, pull the plug, lick my wounds and dive into a new album. I’ve been making albums since 1996. Starting in 2000, I’ve continued to make (at least one) album every year. This year’s album will mark the 15th straight year of making consecutive albums. Granted most of these albums are fairly simple home recordings and nothing terribly flashy, but still a glimpse into what I was experiencing for that year…for better or worse.

2010’s release was “Who Dares Awaken Me From My Slumber?” a very loose END OF EDUCATION concept album. I took the disappointment and began to channel it. On some tracks, such as the closing number, “The Scapegoat” I address Mr. Rooney and try to tell my side of the situation. “1989” I compare my own memory of middle school to the current relapse of misery, and the title track “…Slumber” I embrace the decision to move on and more or less thank the students and Mr. Rooney for letting me realize this was NOT what I wanted to do with rest of my life.

Owning Your Uncool to the Tune of Cool

Like most horrible decisions we have to make in life, the silver lining is often- where does the misery leads us? When we finally are able to heal and look back, we realize that the moments when we feel we’ve truly hit rock bottom, are also the beginnings of a new era, a flip of the reset switch. Although my “career” choices have continued to be a bit dodgy over the years, I will always have my albums! My art! My only true currency in a bankrupt world. So I share them and expect nothing in return, taking solace in knowing they will always be there for me to create, especially when I am at my most uncool.

Check out Gavin’s newest album, Dang Birds. Let’s Rock Big Love!

If you want to sing out, sing out! Just do it.

June 12, 2015Compassion, PerceptionBridesmaids, Cat Stevens, Compassion, Ellen DeGeneres, Empowerment, Ignorance, Integrity, Melissa McCarthy, Perception, purposeful perception, Self Perception, SexismBorn to Be

Recommended Reading Soundtrack: Whatever it is by Ben Lee

As I was perusing the world of Facebook this morning I noticed video post from a recent Ellen DeGeneres interview with the ever so diverse and hilarious actress Melissa McCarthy (Think sink and Bridesmaids? I’m already laughing!). Well, the interview took place on May 20^th, so I guess that is considered pretty far behind in the world of media- but I’m just not one of those people that is always quick on the uptake with “talk show gossip”. (Insert smiley face here, if you get my meaning.)

I couldn’t resist taking a look at it. What piqued my interest was the topic and how McCarthy presented the discussion with a harsh critic. The journalist had written a review of a 2014 film that starred McCarthy last year. The film had received a lot of “challenging” attention. This particular journalist was very hard on McCarthy- and it wasn’t for the integrity of her performance. It was for her appearance.

McCarthy was affected by the critique, but instead of being rude and critical to the journalist when she was given this unique opportunity, she savored this golden apple with a little talk about perception. She turned the conversation around and asked the journalist to look at the other side of his narrow minded equation. She asked the right questions, asking him how his type of critique could potentially affect someone that he loves- like his daughter. And, it worked.

I felt like this interview was testimony to how turning stories inside out can really create major shifts in our hearts and give us the opportunity to demonstrate kindness and compassion for another’s ignorance. Sometimes we need a little helping hand to see the flip side. Not everyone will be open to it, and that’s where our acceptance can have an even greater ability to heal inner conflicts.

Before I had this little moment with the internet this morning, I was walking through my office and noticed I was wearing a shoe that was squeaking with every step. It made me laugh- because I’m always reflecting on how to walk in someone else’s shoes, much like McCarthy encouraged this journalist to do. Sometimes we just have squeaky shoes, and it takes initiative and a desire to change what is inside of us to look at the cause of our squeaky shoes. Maybe we love our squeaky shoes, but we simply have to throw them away because their appearance does not outweigh their usefulness.

Image via http://meetville.com/quotes/tag/empathy/page9

In the famous singing words of Cat Stevens,

You can make it all true. And, you can make it undo.

It’s easy. You only need to know, well if you want to sing out, sing out! If you want to be free, be free. Because there is a million things to be, you know that there are.

I’m with Cat Stevens on this one. There is nothing more powerful than the knowledge that you have a choice. You have a choice to be kind. You have a choice to see the other side. You have a choice to be free and sing out. The road may be a little squeaky while getting there, but if you take a moment to look around you, I think you’ll be surprised at how much people are trying.

Hearty Clichés Winning Our Hearts

March 5, 2015Ego, HappinessBill Murray, Choices, Cliches, Divorce, Ego, Emotion, Francois Lelord, Happiness, Hector and the Search for Happiness, LA Times, Life, life coach, Movie Critics, Perception, Scrooged, Self Perception, Simon Pegg, TiestoBorn to Be

Recommended Reading (and Dancing!)Soundtrack: “Let’s Go” (featuring Icona Pop) by Tiesto

Reading the reviews AFTER seeing a movie and loving it is always interesting. The critics that detest it give rise to feelings of betrayal. How could they destroy the film that won my heart?! And, what does it say about me, the one boob out there that actually liked it?

I find it even more enjoyable when it gives me the opportunity to laugh at my deeply offended ego. But hey, sometimes it’s a process to get to that “laughable” moment. With that said, recently I found myself in love with the film, based on the novel by Francois Lelord, titled “Hector and the Search for Happiness.” It wasn’t the film’s captivating cinematography, enthralling script, or phenomenal acting that won me over, it was the humanity of the story. So, I can see why my interpretation would have conflicted with the “critics.” Hey, I’m only human.

As one of those wacky humans that is drawn to stories that instigate reflection with lots of crying on my part, I am always soul searching. My brother loves to send me movie trailers that he knows will cause me to “ball my eyes out” while watching. It’s like I’m reliving that scene in the film Scrooged when Bill Murray witnesses a childhood Christmas Eve moment in his life where his mother says, “Goodnight, Frankie Angel.” My brother is the Ghost of Christmas Past shouting, “Niagara Falls, Frankie Angel!”

I am a Hearty Cliché

As I journeyed with Hector on his search to all the places around the world he thought could teach him happiness I pondered his lessons and tried to stay on top of them as Hector kept getting into conflicting situations that were both painful and enlightening. One of my favorite “lessons” was:

Happiness is a certain way of seeing things.

Every aspect of happiness Hector covers in his mind is greeted with our old friend, perception. Not only the one I’ve noted, but all of them! Because it is about exploring our perceptions that helps us see past them and come back to that hearty cliché within us all. Yes, I own it San Francisco Chronicle (I read your review!), I am a “hearty cliché” and proud of it!

When I was going through my divorce I was definitely not happy. But the “during” part of our hard, life-changing experiences where we have to make those tough choices are never going to be filled with rainbows and leprechauns. Later, as I saw the whole picture over that one detail- the yucky smudge on my face, I couldn’t help but laugh and feel the happiness that we innately relate to. And that happiness is tied to every negative emotion that I entertain in my own life’s happiness search.

Sometimes it helps me to put on an anthem song while I’m plummeting into the depths of despair and step outside of my life for a moment. As I watch it taking place like I watched Hector struggling to come to terms with a life threatening situation in a jail cell shared with a lone rat, and drug criminals pointing big guns in his face, I not only feel better about my own life but I also create a little detachment from my self-induced rock bottom. There is only one way to go once you hit rock bottom, that’s up- thank you hearty clichés!

Leaving Where We Come From

February 3, 2015Acceptance, Forgiveness, HopeAttachment, Compassion, Denial, Distant Cousins, Expectations, forgiveness, grief, Hope, Jason Bateman, Life, Margaret Atwood, Perception, Self Perception, This Is Where I Leave You, Wall-eBorn to Be

Recommended Reading Soundtrack: On Your Own by Distant Cousins

There are moments in our lives when we grieve. When they happen, I feel we go through a deciphering process of what it is that we are really grieving versus what we think we are grieving. Our heart rests in that moment between you and an emotional hankering for what you thought you knew- sadness, joy, forgiveness and love. These are the things that we take with us, no matter how far away the plane ride or the drive is from where you come from.

But the question remains, why is it so hard to leave where we come from?

There are scores of films, music and books about it. And I seem to gravitate toward many of these stories. Our story is a powerful thing, easily mixing with every form of communication we have created. All of our stories have one thing in common- the truth of who we are is buried inside of us along with veils of expectations, perceptions and sometimes denial. The human heart will always play the role of the decipherer and give us the direction we are constantly seeking amidst all of these veils.

As I was re-watching the ending of the film “This Is Where I Leave You”, that old familiar song began to play in my heart. The emotions welled as Jason Bateman’s character says farewell to his family after coming together for his father’s funeral. Each sibling goes their separate ways, but even though they were physically going in different directions, you can see the inner conflict in their faces and body language. No words were needed, just a great song and a look to say it all.

Where we come from is more than a house, more than some land, and more than a voice that replays over and over again in our head like a mixed tape. It’s a complicated, dimensional tale that produced not only who we have chosen to be, but how we react to the world around us, and every judgment we hold against ourselves (beware!). When you pull all of that together into a person, a magical thing unfolds- life.

Sometimes it does not seem so magical to the eye, but we just keep truck’n nonetheless. Why? I’m sure you, me and everyone around us continues to ask this question- especially when you want to pull your hair out and just throw your cell phone, computer or tablet into a lake. Giving up seems like this big open space that could potentially swallow up all of our frustrations without much harm. But is giving up letting go of our expectations or deciding not to believe in our dreams anymore?

“Don’t give up hope. It’s a chore.” Margaret Atwood

Recently I had the great opportunity to hear an interview with author Margaret Atwood. At the end of the interview, the journalist asked her if she had one last thing she wanted to say to the audience. Quickly she scrambled to say, “Don’t give up hope. It’s a chore.” Wise words? Wise words, indeed. What if leaving where we came from wasn’t about saying goodbye to all that good stuff that makes us who we are today, but about embracing it and knowing that it will always be there in every good thing you do?

I can’t help but be intrigued by these words of wisdom by Ms. Atwood. The idea that choosing hope over all the naysayers (we are our toughest critics!) and really believing in yourself and your dreams is not something that just happens- that you have to perpetuate it and be conscious of it like any other practice. All I can do is repeat it over and over again like a mantra- a song, a story.

So, this is where I leave you. Remember, “Don’t give up hope. It’s a chore.” You have to keep on truck’n- your life is worth it.

What’s Going to Be Your 2015 Top of the Pops?

January 7, 2015Owning Your Uncool, Perception, Reflection, Self PerceptionAuthenticity, Billy Crystal, Choices, City Slickers, Classism, Downton Abbey, Eli Wallach, Empowerment, Expectations, Kate Winslet, Life, life coach, New Year, Perception, purposeful perception, Reflection, Self Perception, Stars, The Holiday, Tom Branson, Top of the PopsBorn to Be

Recommended Reading Soundtrack: Hold On When You Get Love, and Let Go When You Give It by the Stars on album No One is Lost

A directionally challenged life

The beginning of a new year, the end of another- an opportunity marked by reflection, honoring and engagement with our personal dreams and intentions. It’s a special occasion where the vision for our future, and the present state of our hearts holds a deeper meaning. As we live day to day there seems to be an inner compass within us continuously directing the traffic of our choices. Now is the time to look at how well we’ve been listening to that inner compass, or better yet- where we’ve been living a directionally challenged life.

Like the new season of a favorite show (Hmmmm…., can you say “Downton Abbey!”), the release of an album by an artist we’ve been following for most of our lives, or the opening of all those end of year movie gems- we get to have our own refreshing personal premier of something reflecting our annual personal growth.

“I don’t believe in types, I believe in people.“ Tom Branson, Downton Abbey, Season 4

If you are a die-hard fan, preparing for the first episode of a favorite show’s new season actually takes some work. There’s nothing like turning on the first episode after a year and feeling like you are asleep in one of those adult nightmares where you show up for your senior year in high school and basically have forgotten EVERYTHING. I decided to dig up some Downton Abbey in my own preparation for the U.S. Sunday night’s highly anticipated 2015 season 5 “coming out” party. As I listened and enjoyed all the drama taking place, I noticed a line that had a profound effect on me.

Downton’s progressive character Tom Branson was enjoying a conversation with an attractive and potential romantic interest, a teacher who shares many of his socialist ideals. She was expressing her opinion about “types” of people during a time when classism was beginning its big dive in early 20^th century England. Branson rejected her notion that “types” of people existed in his heart with a great line, “I don’t believe in types, I believe in people.”

I’ve been dwelling on this line for the past few days as it is a perfect reflection of not only the last year of my life, but probably the past 25 years. Seeing past the stereotypes and labels of the world around us frees us from the expectations of our lifetime of brainwashing. It frees us from all the pressure we place on ourselves to be a certain way, or meet some society’s expectations of what a “good” or “successful” person is supposed to look like.

As we get older, we tend to play this out in different ways. Usually in our immediate post-high school years we experience freedom from the cliques that held us hostage from loving all those wacky aspects of ourselves. But then we start to put a new kind of pressure on ourselves like career and relationship successes. Next, we hit a wall with age 40 and berate ourselves for not fulfilling all of those “dreams” or “career deadlines” we were “supposed” to fulfill (Think Billy Crystal in “City Slickers”!).

But you know what’s awesome about your life? You have a choice to either go down the path of great expectations or take the path less traveled from your heart. The cool thing about this choice is that you get to determine what this path less traveled is and what it means to you. You get to determine you. You are that rock star that sits down to write a new album; you are that writer that gets to create a new series about what’s important to you. You are the leading lady or gentleman in your film.

There is a great conversation in the film “The Holiday,” where very old in body character Arthur played by Eli Wallach is out to dinner with Iris, Kate Winslet’s character. As she talks about her rather dysfunctional relationship, Arthur looks at her and tells her, “In the movies we have leading ladies, and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady. But for some reason are behaving like the best friend.” Iris responds, “You are so right. You’re supposed to be the leading lady in your own life for God’s sake.”

So the big question remains. As we embark together into 2015, what do we want our “Top of the Pops” line-up to be? What do you want your greatest hits to be? Remember, whether you choose the path of great expectations or the path less traveled, neither one of them will be easy. But I have an inkling that one is more rewarding. Being the lead in your own life is about authenticity. It’s about owning all of you and making choices that reflect your greatest hits list.

Like the song by the Stars says, “It’s time to take the weakest thing in you, and then beat the b$#@%#$@* with it!” Cheers to an awesome 2015- from my heart to yours.