Tag Archives: Expectations

Special Interview Series Launch! Aussie Musician Ben Lee Owns His Uncool

July 17, 2015Owning Your Uncool: The SeriesAcceptance, Almost Famous, Authenticity, Ben Lee, Cameron Crowe, Expectations, Lester Bangs, life coach, Love is the Great Rebellion, Owning Your Uncool, Reality Bites, Winona RyderBorn to Be

OWNING YOUR UNCOOL: THE SERIES- WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT?

Recommended Reading Soundtrack: Love Won’t Let You Down By Ben Lee featuring Sally Seltmann on A Mixtape from Ben Lee (Click on track 11, you won’t be disappointed!)

In September of 2013 I wrote a blog post in response to a weekly writing challenge about “Owning Your Uncool” rooted in one of my favorite quotes by the character Lester Bangs in Cameron Crowe’s brilliant film, Almost Famous. The quote has become a sort of compass for me in my life, and I find myself inspired by its meaning on a regular basis. Like a ritual, “owning my uncool” is something that I do in order to remain humble, compassionate and engaged with others and myself as we experience our process of living and existing in a confusing ego-driven world.

Lester Bangs’ quote was a response to a rock bottom moment in Almost Famous when the lead character, William, was hit with a tremendous case of self-doubt. His experience taught him that the great music legends he worshiped had a flip side, a culture behind it that was manipulative and egotistical. In other words, he was outliving his naivety and getting acquainted with the dualistic humanity that potentially exists within all of us.

I am excited and inspired to be opening this series with a special “owning your uncool” moment from Aussie musician extraordinaire Ben Lee. As the readers of my blog know, and to the new readers out there- music is an important part of my own journey as a writer and artist. Just one song can change everything! Ben Lee has been one of those inspirational artists to me in my own life, so being able to feature him in the opening of this series is basically AWESOME.

A little ditty about Ben Lee, from me.

His music is honest and a constantly evolving reflection of his heart. Breathing Tornadoes was one of those albums that I could listen to over and over again. When I moved a world away from Washington, DC to Santa Fe, NM, I was caught up in the moment of learning how to be true to myself in a foreign social landscape. And yet, Breathing Tornadoes seems like light years away from his newest music. His 2015 tour is in full swing with the release of his newest album, Love Is the Great Rebellion. Australian Stage Tix calls his music “upbeat, heart-on-sleeve pop.”

Being true to yourself in a wacky world full of expectations and projections can quickly become a challenge to simply not get sucked into the black hole of “who you’re supposed to be.” In anything we do, putting yourself out there takes courage because there will always be those that make their living through criticizing. With that said, below is Ben Lee’s answer to a question that is about showing the world we are all human and struggle. We don’t have to be alone in our struggles- even the most successful people have had their fair share of feeling insecure and realizing that their perception of the world was not necessarily the truth.

“I won’t hide, and you won’t win!” Ben Lee

Me: Can you tell my readers about a time in your life, where you felt that same “uncool” and isolation inside as the character in Almost Famous, and how you used that moment to propel yourself forward in your life?

Lee: I remember being 14 and getting a stack of bad reviews from the English press sent to me by my label. They thought I would find it funny, but being 14, and having not yet developed any kind of thick skin, I was quite devastated. I was shocked. I couldn’t believe the brutality of them. The teasing. The resentment. I had never been exposed to that degree of vehemence. It knocked the wind out of me.

Later, after processing the unexpected loss of innocence I knew what I had to do. I cut each of the reviews up, made a collage of them, and included them in the artwork for the first Noise Addict album. It was an act of alchemy. I suddenly took control of the situation and wore the ridicule that I had been subjected to with an effortless act of defiance and pride.

Obviously, this was a temporary solution. There have been deeper levels at which I, like every other artist, have needed to confront my own need for validation, fame and success. I have had to systematically tear down these false idols, and continue down the path of artistry towards my ultimate goal. But in that moment, I did something important. I stood up and said “I won’t hide, and you won’t win”. And that was the beginning of my understanding of true success.

Me: Thanks Ben! Your authenticity rocks, I am grateful for the role your creative endeavors have played in my life. I hope that everyone reading your response will take away something inspiring, and make the personal decision to also not hide their light out of fear of the critics.

I once heard you say that “the process is the actual award.” There are times when we might feel like Winona Ryder’s character in Reality Bites as she slowly sinks into the bell jar with every move we make to better a situation. But we can shift that moment with a new perception rooted in “Love as the Great Rebellion.” When we’re in it, it’s hard to see outside of our foggy glasses of self doubt. Let’s Rock Big Love!

You can check out more about Lee’s music at his website, http://www.ben-lee.com, or on his Facebook page.

Leaving Where We Come From

February 3, 2015Acceptance, Forgiveness, HopeAttachment, Compassion, Denial, Distant Cousins, Expectations, forgiveness, grief, Hope, Jason Bateman, Life, Margaret Atwood, Perception, Self Perception, This Is Where I Leave You, Wall-eBorn to Be

Recommended Reading Soundtrack: On Your Own by Distant Cousins

There are moments in our lives when we grieve. When they happen, I feel we go through a deciphering process of what it is that we are really grieving versus what we think we are grieving. Our heart rests in that moment between you and an emotional hankering for what you thought you knew- sadness, joy, forgiveness and love. These are the things that we take with us, no matter how far away the plane ride or the drive is from where you come from.

But the question remains, why is it so hard to leave where we come from?

There are scores of films, music and books about it. And I seem to gravitate toward many of these stories. Our story is a powerful thing, easily mixing with every form of communication we have created. All of our stories have one thing in common- the truth of who we are is buried inside of us along with veils of expectations, perceptions and sometimes denial. The human heart will always play the role of the decipherer and give us the direction we are constantly seeking amidst all of these veils.

As I was re-watching the ending of the film “This Is Where I Leave You”, that old familiar song began to play in my heart. The emotions welled as Jason Bateman’s character says farewell to his family after coming together for his father’s funeral. Each sibling goes their separate ways, but even though they were physically going in different directions, you can see the inner conflict in their faces and body language. No words were needed, just a great song and a look to say it all.

Where we come from is more than a house, more than some land, and more than a voice that replays over and over again in our head like a mixed tape. It’s a complicated, dimensional tale that produced not only who we have chosen to be, but how we react to the world around us, and every judgment we hold against ourselves (beware!). When you pull all of that together into a person, a magical thing unfolds- life.

Sometimes it does not seem so magical to the eye, but we just keep truck’n nonetheless. Why? I’m sure you, me and everyone around us continues to ask this question- especially when you want to pull your hair out and just throw your cell phone, computer or tablet into a lake. Giving up seems like this big open space that could potentially swallow up all of our frustrations without much harm. But is giving up letting go of our expectations or deciding not to believe in our dreams anymore?

“Don’t give up hope. It’s a chore.” Margaret Atwood

Recently I had the great opportunity to hear an interview with author Margaret Atwood. At the end of the interview, the journalist asked her if she had one last thing she wanted to say to the audience. Quickly she scrambled to say, “Don’t give up hope. It’s a chore.” Wise words? Wise words, indeed. What if leaving where we came from wasn’t about saying goodbye to all that good stuff that makes us who we are today, but about embracing it and knowing that it will always be there in every good thing you do?

I can’t help but be intrigued by these words of wisdom by Ms. Atwood. The idea that choosing hope over all the naysayers (we are our toughest critics!) and really believing in yourself and your dreams is not something that just happens- that you have to perpetuate it and be conscious of it like any other practice. All I can do is repeat it over and over again like a mantra- a song, a story.

So, this is where I leave you. Remember, “Don’t give up hope. It’s a chore.” You have to keep on truck’n- your life is worth it.

What’s Going to Be Your 2015 Top of the Pops?

January 7, 2015Owning Your Uncool, Perception, Reflection, Self PerceptionAuthenticity, Billy Crystal, Choices, City Slickers, Classism, Downton Abbey, Eli Wallach, Empowerment, Expectations, Kate Winslet, Life, life coach, New Year, Perception, purposeful perception, Reflection, Self Perception, Stars, The Holiday, Tom Branson, Top of the PopsBorn to Be

Recommended Reading Soundtrack: Hold On When You Get Love, and Let Go When You Give It by the Stars on album No One is Lost

A directionally challenged life

The beginning of a new year, the end of another- an opportunity marked by reflection, honoring and engagement with our personal dreams and intentions. It’s a special occasion where the vision for our future, and the present state of our hearts holds a deeper meaning. As we live day to day there seems to be an inner compass within us continuously directing the traffic of our choices. Now is the time to look at how well we’ve been listening to that inner compass, or better yet- where we’ve been living a directionally challenged life.

Like the new season of a favorite show (Hmmmm…., can you say “Downton Abbey!”), the release of an album by an artist we’ve been following for most of our lives, or the opening of all those end of year movie gems- we get to have our own refreshing personal premier of something reflecting our annual personal growth.

“I don’t believe in types, I believe in people.“ Tom Branson, Downton Abbey, Season 4

If you are a die-hard fan, preparing for the first episode of a favorite show’s new season actually takes some work. There’s nothing like turning on the first episode after a year and feeling like you are asleep in one of those adult nightmares where you show up for your senior year in high school and basically have forgotten EVERYTHING. I decided to dig up some Downton Abbey in my own preparation for the U.S. Sunday night’s highly anticipated 2015 season 5 “coming out” party. As I listened and enjoyed all the drama taking place, I noticed a line that had a profound effect on me.

Downton’s progressive character Tom Branson was enjoying a conversation with an attractive and potential romantic interest, a teacher who shares many of his socialist ideals. She was expressing her opinion about “types” of people during a time when classism was beginning its big dive in early 20^th century England. Branson rejected her notion that “types” of people existed in his heart with a great line, “I don’t believe in types, I believe in people.”

I’ve been dwelling on this line for the past few days as it is a perfect reflection of not only the last year of my life, but probably the past 25 years. Seeing past the stereotypes and labels of the world around us frees us from the expectations of our lifetime of brainwashing. It frees us from all the pressure we place on ourselves to be a certain way, or meet some society’s expectations of what a “good” or “successful” person is supposed to look like.

As we get older, we tend to play this out in different ways. Usually in our immediate post-high school years we experience freedom from the cliques that held us hostage from loving all those wacky aspects of ourselves. But then we start to put a new kind of pressure on ourselves like career and relationship successes. Next, we hit a wall with age 40 and berate ourselves for not fulfilling all of those “dreams” or “career deadlines” we were “supposed” to fulfill (Think Billy Crystal in “City Slickers”!).

But you know what’s awesome about your life? You have a choice to either go down the path of great expectations or take the path less traveled from your heart. The cool thing about this choice is that you get to determine what this path less traveled is and what it means to you. You get to determine you. You are that rock star that sits down to write a new album; you are that writer that gets to create a new series about what’s important to you. You are the leading lady or gentleman in your film.

There is a great conversation in the film “The Holiday,” where very old in body character Arthur played by Eli Wallach is out to dinner with Iris, Kate Winslet’s character. As she talks about her rather dysfunctional relationship, Arthur looks at her and tells her, “In the movies we have leading ladies, and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady. But for some reason are behaving like the best friend.” Iris responds, “You are so right. You’re supposed to be the leading lady in your own life for God’s sake.”

So the big question remains. As we embark together into 2015, what do we want our “Top of the Pops” line-up to be? What do you want your greatest hits to be? Remember, whether you choose the path of great expectations or the path less traveled, neither one of them will be easy. But I have an inkling that one is more rewarding. Being the lead in your own life is about authenticity. It’s about owning all of you and making choices that reflect your greatest hits list.

Like the song by the Stars says, “It’s time to take the weakest thing in you, and then beat the b$#@%#$@* with it!” Cheers to an awesome 2015- from my heart to yours.

Holiday Madness Treasures in the Random Overheard

November 19, 2014Attachment, holidays, Owning Your UncoolAnne Bancroft, Attachment, Coping, DPchallenge, Elf, Expectations, holiday stress, Holly Hunter, Home for the Holidays, Jodie Foster, Juliana Hatfield, Life, life coach, My So Called Life, Overheard, Perception, Robert Downey Jr, Self Perception, Technology, Will FerrellBorn to Be

Recommended Reading Soundtrack: Make it Home by Juliana Hatfield (classic from holiday episode of My So Called Life!)

When I read this week’s writing challenge topic, I found myself in a whirlwind listening to my little world’s background noise of random people, radio show hosts, television, films and even my own tragic mind that never seems to stop talking. I thought to myself, “What might I overhear that could hold the potential of “interesting,” “hilarious,” “witty” or even “thought provoking?”” I was on the hunt, and- I wasn’t having much luck in any of those departments. I ended up resorting to something completely different!

One of my favorite columns in local city papers is the “Overheard” column. In this little paragraph blurb there is always something amusing and maybe not provocative, but just plain bewildering. So, I ended up turning to the internet which we all know is chock-full of random little diddles! When what to my wondering eyes did appear, but an awesome website that catalogs random “overheard” tidbits to make us all laugh (and maybe cry depending on your mood). One of my favorites stood out like a sore thumb in the spirit of the upcoming holiday season kick off, so I thought I would ponder it a little- with you of course!

Guy on cell: My mom’s husband is my dad’s wife’s ex-husband. Now you know why I live in Seattle–as far away as I can get on the continental US.

Bank of America
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Thinking holidays must be rough
Posted November 7, 2014 on http://www.overheardeverywhere.com

Much like a scene in a film depicting the one thing everyone loves about holidays, family drama, this overheard statement provokes many of my own favorite scenes that have been burned into my brain through incessant movie watching. I love these types of scenes because they give me the opportunity to laugh at my own personal drama like a coping mechanism. It’s not always easy to remember when that anxiety needle is moving higher and higher to meltdown level in the middle of a situation, but our experiences are linked to our own emotional past.

Stepping back and taking a look at what might be upsetting us from the vantage point of a random passer-by overhearing our conversation might make things a little easier, and in the end, even make us laugh. A lot of people feel technology has made us as human beings more isolated. There are moments when I want to pull my hair out- like when your boss that is in an office right next to your cube refuses to just speak to you and prefers an on-going 1 hour conversation/argument via email.

But there are also moments like standing in a bank and overhearing someone talk about the complexities of their life on a cell phone in a way that helps you cope with your own personal stress. As Thanksgiving in the US slowly creeps around the corner (1 week away, ALERT!), my heart has begun its annual craving for the film Home for the Holidays with classic Anne Bancroft, Holly Hunter and Robert Downey, Jr and directed by Jodie Foster.

There is a scene in this film where Downey’s character is cutting 1 of the 2 family turkeys at Thanksgiving dinner, and he accidentally flings it across the table at his angry, intolerant sister. His sister literally blows her top/loses her mind and hurls bigoted expletives at her gay brother like Will Ferrell in Elf’s legendary snowball fight. At first you can’t believe the verbal diarrhea that’s landing in everyone’s food is real. But minutes later everyone recovers through their own sense of humor by sharing their also “not so great” life moments. Owning our “uncool” can be a challenging process, but when we share it with others it brings us closer to one another. It breaks down the invisible fence that we create between one another due to perception and allows us to see that everyone has some life hurdle playing on repeat in their mind and heart. Can you say, “Expectations?”

Maybe now I will keep my antenna up and be a little more cognizant of what people are talking about around me. You never know what door a complete stranger will open for my own mind’s perceptual barriers! Treasures are lurking everywhere, even in the most unexpected places. Perhaps these treasures are the real gifts of our holiday season?

Credit: Featured picture of tree & lights by Beverly LeFevre, sold on Etsy.

Age, Impermanence and All That Jazz

March 11, 2014Aging, DPChallenge, Ego, Empowerment, Gratefulness, PerceptionA lot Like Love, Age, aging, Amanda Peet, American Beauty, buddhism, death, DPchallenge, Ego, Empowerment, Expectations, Explosions in the Sky, Gratefulness, Harry Potter, Lester Burnham, Life, Napoleon Dynamite, PerceptionBorn to Be

Recommended reading soundtrack: Explosions in the Sky, “Your Hand In Mine”

“I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn’t a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time… For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars… And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined our street… Or my grandmother’s hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper… And the first time I saw my cousin Tony’s brand new Firebird… And Janie… And Janie… And… Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me… but it’s hard to stay mad, when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst… And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life… You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure. But don’t worry… you will someday.” Lester Burnham in the film “American Beauty.”

When I read that quote, when I hear the voice in that quote- no matter how many times- chills run through my body and tears well up in my eyes. This feeling, although emotional, is an indicator of truth for me. It epitomizes what the word “age” means to me. How can we put a value on aging in a culture that markets it as unwanted, something to be resisted? Every time I find my mind wandering into a fear about aging, I flashback to the version of myself at 21 and I remember how grateful I am to no longer be anywhere in the vicinity of that age. Kind of like Amanda Peet’s character in the movie “A lot Like Love” (a simple film, yes- but who doesn’t laugh their arse off when she runs into the sliding glass door?) where she is reminded of her punk rock stage in college where she dated angry musicians. Only I always ended up with drummers.

A Time Machine & Magical Spells

Remember Napoleon Dynamite’s brother who can’t let go of his high school football career and is in search of a time travel machine? I think I would rather endure a Harry Potter spell of vomiting slugs than go back in time. Especially to high school! Why? Because transformation really sweetens the deal in life, and no matter how difficult it gets, I now at least have the emotional tools to deal with things in a more balanced way. Not everyone has experienced life in the same way- but there is something about age that I just can’t resist deep down.

You Mean I’m going to die?

It is the life, the experience that determines the molding of our belief systems that correlate with our perception of what aging will yield to us. This includes our infinite potential- all possibilities. We have a tendency to limit our potential by thinking that age determines something in the abstract about who we are, how we have failed to live up to something that does not even exist. Do you let expectations about who you are “supposed” to be bring you down, and cloud your enjoyment of life as you age? Do you remember in your actions that with each day comes the possibility of a life ended?

Sometimes I feel like I am engaged in a race against time. “I have to get this done,” I tell myself. “If I don’t accomplish this- what will it say about me? Am I wasting this life? Am I fulfilling my human purpose to help people and make this world a better place?” These are all sound questions, but they can get in the way of simply enjoying life as well and seeing how your role unfolds through active, present engagement. It is the ego’s tendency to put the pressure on, but you can be sure that if you are putting the pressure on yourself to “be” something or “do” something, then you are impeding life’s natural flow and at the same time making yourself miserable.

It’s Question Time

Age. Perhaps the only pressure we should engage in with ourselves as we age should involve the amount of love we hold in our hearts like that balloon that is about to burst- for ourselves and the true beauty of our world as Lester Burnham suggests at the end of his life in American Beauty.

Perhaps we should ask ourselves, when was the last time that we felt “anything but gratitude for every single moment” in our lives and shared that gratitude with those around us? I am grateful for this moment that I am sharing with you, and hope that together we can approach age as a meaningful gift. I am also grateful for this opportunity to reflect on my own perception of aging and how it may limit me or empower me to live a life that is engaging and powerful.