Category Archives: Ego

Hearty Clichés Winning Our Hearts

March 5, 2015Ego, HappinessBill Murray, Choices, Cliches, Divorce, Ego, Emotion, Francois Lelord, Happiness, Hector and the Search for Happiness, LA Times, Life, life coach, Movie Critics, Perception, Scrooged, Self Perception, Simon Pegg, TiestoBorn to Be

Recommended Reading (and Dancing!)Soundtrack: “Let’s Go” (featuring Icona Pop) by Tiesto

Reading the reviews AFTER seeing a movie and loving it is always interesting. The critics that detest it give rise to feelings of betrayal. How could they destroy the film that won my heart?! And, what does it say about me, the one boob out there that actually liked it?

I find it even more enjoyable when it gives me the opportunity to laugh at my deeply offended ego. But hey, sometimes it’s a process to get to that “laughable” moment. With that said, recently I found myself in love with the film, based on the novel by Francois Lelord, titled “Hector and the Search for Happiness.” It wasn’t the film’s captivating cinematography, enthralling script, or phenomenal acting that won me over, it was the humanity of the story. So, I can see why my interpretation would have conflicted with the “critics.” Hey, I’m only human.

As one of those wacky humans that is drawn to stories that instigate reflection with lots of crying on my part, I am always soul searching. My brother loves to send me movie trailers that he knows will cause me to “ball my eyes out” while watching. It’s like I’m reliving that scene in the film Scrooged when Bill Murray witnesses a childhood Christmas Eve moment in his life where his mother says, “Goodnight, Frankie Angel.” My brother is the Ghost of Christmas Past shouting, “Niagara Falls, Frankie Angel!”

I am a Hearty Cliché

As I journeyed with Hector on his search to all the places around the world he thought could teach him happiness I pondered his lessons and tried to stay on top of them as Hector kept getting into conflicting situations that were both painful and enlightening. One of my favorite “lessons” was:

Happiness is a certain way of seeing things.

Every aspect of happiness Hector covers in his mind is greeted with our old friend, perception. Not only the one I’ve noted, but all of them! Because it is about exploring our perceptions that helps us see past them and come back to that hearty cliché within us all. Yes, I own it San Francisco Chronicle (I read your review!), I am a “hearty cliché” and proud of it!

When I was going through my divorce I was definitely not happy. But the “during” part of our hard, life-changing experiences where we have to make those tough choices are never going to be filled with rainbows and leprechauns. Later, as I saw the whole picture over that one detail- the yucky smudge on my face, I couldn’t help but laugh and feel the happiness that we innately relate to. And that happiness is tied to every negative emotion that I entertain in my own life’s happiness search.

Sometimes it helps me to put on an anthem song while I’m plummeting into the depths of despair and step outside of my life for a moment. As I watch it taking place like I watched Hector struggling to come to terms with a life threatening situation in a jail cell shared with a lone rat, and drug criminals pointing big guns in his face, I not only feel better about my own life but I also create a little detachment from my self-induced rock bottom. There is only one way to go once you hit rock bottom, that’s up- thank you hearty clichés!

I Can’t Sing, But I’ve Got Soul.

November 7, 2014Ego, FearBlur, Damon Albarn, Elevation, Empowerment, Fear, Gwyneth Paltrow, joy, Judgment, Life, Perception, purposeful perception, Shallow Hal, Soul, The Commitments, The Little Mermaid, U2Born to Be

Recommended Reading Soundtrack: Let Your Love Grow Tall by Passion Pit on Manners

It was a Saturday night at a popular karaoke bar, and I found myself getting geared up with the great abundance of songs offered by the designated “karaoke professionals.” Is that a real title? I couldn’t help myself- I actually went on stage and sang a specially chosen song from the Disney film, The Little Mermaid. And even though I totally put everyone to sleep with my mediocre interpretation, I had fun fulfilling several years’ worth of karaoke fantasies.

What am I trying to communicate here, you may ask? Well, keep reading.

The film Shallow Hal – pretty silly and not too complicated in its message. But simplicity aside, I actually took away something meaningful from the film which included Gwyneth Paltrow, who typically appears in waif like form, dressed up to be an obese woman.

In an interview that took place with Paltrow after the film was released, she talked about how she kept the fat suit on one day to see what it felt like to be an obese person in life. One of the things that she noticed was how people were afraid to make eye contact with her. And that experience yielded a feeling of loneliness and an understanding of how isolating it is to be extremely overweight in our modern culture. The world around us is pretty ego based, and the “judgment thing” can definitely make us feel alone or give cause to isolate ourselves so we don’t have to experience it from others.

Judgment, stigma- whatever it is that we fear, let’s face it. Somewhere in our lives we have given our power away to it and allowed that fear to hold us back from either doing what we love, are passionate about, or shield ourselves from experiencing our destiny- joy. But, there is this line in a U2 song that stood out recently during a monotonous drive home in rush hour traffic even though I’ve probably heard it a thousand times. The lyric is from the song Elevation, and it goes like this:

Can’t sing, but I’ve got soul.
The goal is Elevation.

With that line, flashbacks of embarrassing and exhilarating karaoke streamed through my mind. And there I was again, singing a song from The Little Mermaid on a Saturday night to a buzzed crowd that was waiting for something a little more “dance” inspiring. And so it goes, I can’t sing- but I’ve got soul, baby. In my head, Damon Albarn from Blur was next to me on stage in concert in Japan yelling, “Karaoke! Karaoke!” (Obscure live concert reference alert, I apologize!)

Acknowledging that you’ve got soul, baby!

It may seem like a little thing. The way we make choices based on what others will “think.” But truthfully there is no such thing as a “little thing.” All experiences are relevant to both our heart and our mind. Consciously connecting that mind with the heart requires a frank complexity in our self-created world of modern love. Acknowledging that you’ve got soul is an important step in reaching that goal. So, where have you shut out soul in your life in places that you have it?

Soul reaches beyond the technical. It is about heart. It is personified in our experiences with one another as we navigate a world of opportunity guaranteed to also spark fear. It’s worth it, to acknowledge the fear but not let it dictate your choices. You never know where you will end up.

In the famous words of Jimmy Rabbitte in the awesome (and sometimes inappropriate- excuse the bad language below, please!) film The Commitments about a group of talented Dubliners, AKA “The Blacks of Ireland,” come together to show that they’ve got soul-

“Soul is the music people understand. Sure it’s basic and it’s simple. But it’s something else ’cause, ’cause, ’cause it’s honest, that’s it. It’s honest. There’s no f*%$^#& bulls$%#. It sticks its neck out and says it straight from the heart. Sure there’s a lot of different music you can get off on but soul is more than that. It takes you somewhere else. It grabs you by the balls and lifts you above the shite.”

Ladies & Gents, Let’s Rock Big Love with some super soul! (I know you’re hiding some in there, somewhere)

Sometimes We Need a Little Groot & Soulshine

August 8, 2014Acceptance, Ego, Empowerment, Mind, Self PerceptionAccountability, Bill Murray, Compassion, Ego, Empowerment, emptiness, Groot, Groundhot Day, Guardians of the Galaxy, Life, Owning Your Uncool, Perception, Self Perception, Soulshine, The Five Stairsteps, Warren HayesBorn to Be

Recommended Reading Soundtrack: Soulshine by Warren Haynes (Acoustic)

I wish I could start every blog post I write with the tag phrase from the movie trailer guy, “In a world…” with the same deliberate curiosity and poignancy. I’d call it the “In a World Series” and end the sentence with the post’s topic. If I were going to do that today, I’d say, “IN A WORLD where Jessica feels overwhelmed by her own mind that just won’t shut up, there came a time where nothing would do- except- finding a way to tell her inner voice’s rants to SHUT UP!”

But, no matter how much I wish I could shut off that mental valve, it would be impossible. So I shall just have to co-exist for this moment, and accept my teenager inner voice that feels the perceived “injustice” of everything happening around me. And, “In a PERFECT World” ending, my acceptance would span beyond my annoying inner voice into my grievances with myself. Because really, that’s where all my grievances with my world’s injustices come from. Yes, really. Right back to my own achy breaky heart.

“The wretch, concentered all in self,” Sir Walter Scott

But, the nice thing about all of this is one special word, accountability. When I own my grievances and link them with my choices that brought me face to face with each and every situation I encounter, I feel a sense of empowerment and freedom. Yes, sometimes I feel like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day when he’s giving up on trying to understand why he continues to wake up to the same thing every day, and as he sits in that animated small town diner with the same people for the millionth time (I am full of hyperbole today) he just starts eating complete crap and talks the way he really wants to talk to “Rita” about life with exuding pessimism and sarcasm. And, Bill Murray sarcasm is hard to beat, especially when he is simultaneously shoving an entire piece of angel food cake into his mouth, smoking a cigarette and pouring coffee into his mouth directly from the pitcher in the early morning hours!

And let’s face it- much like Groundhog Day, we all wake up to the same thing regularly. A rerun of so many conversations, arguments, thoughts- just in differently appearing contexts. Sometimes, when you find yourself dragging like that you just need to turn on a little soulshine. Warren Haynes has taught me a little something with his special song this week, along with one of the coolest Guardians of the Galaxy, Groot. Just saying his name makes me laugh inside, laugh outside, and want to groove to O-o-h Child by The Five Stairsteps. And on a side confession- I never knew who actually sang that song until this blog post- but I’ve probably heard that song a million times. Probably (envision Johnny Dangerously here with “Once”).

You are a beautiful firefly

Those that haven’t seen Guardians of the Galaxy yet, spoiler alert. When Groot, the tree-like being from Planet X, surrounds his friends with his entire body to protect them from a crashing death and fills their bubble with beautiful fire-fly-like lights glowing around their hopeless faces, saying for the first time “We are Groot” instead of “I am Groot,” I found myself in joyful tears.

I was sad. But I also felt so much joy because I was witnessing such a beautifully written seen about complete oneness in a funny, misunderstood tree creature. Yes, it is just a movie about superheroes and villains in a galaxy far, far away- but those superheroes and villains were created by people that believe in our heart’s ability to love and witness one another with the greatest of empathy. So while we may feel uncool in our funky minds at times, remember that this vulnerability creates a little place holding a reminder of how cool life truly is…..and when you see someone’s soul shining, you can remember to own and love your own shining soul.

Just remember the words that Warren Hayes has given us in his delightful, rock’n song-

When you can’t find the light
That got you through the cloudy days
When the stars ain’t shinin’ bright
It feels like you’ve lost your way
When the candle lights of home
Burn so very far away
Oh, you got to let your soul shine
Just like my daddy used to say

Let’s Rock Big Love! (that’s me, I’m not as “cool” as Mr. Hayes!)

Loneliness Kicked My Achy Breaky Heart

May 7, 2014Carl Jung, DPChallenge, Ego, Gratefulness, Life Coach, Self PerceptionAchy Breaky Heart, Billy Ray Cyrus, Bridget Jones Diary, Crazy for You, DPchallenge, Ego, Gratefulness, Hall and Oates, Life, Loneliness, Madonna, purposeful perception, Sandra Bullock, Self Perception, self-love, Steve Earle, Teacher, The Cure, Transcendental Blues, While You Were Sleeping, Wizard of OzBorn to Be

Recommended Reading Soundtrack: Transcendental Blues by Steve Earl

When I was young, I remember being in the car with my Mom when the Hall and Oates song “Maneater” was playing on the radio. I was singing along, “Whoa, here she comes. Watch out boy, she’ll ‘chew your BUTT.” Laughter ensued by my mom, of course. If you don’t know that song (and I definitely wouldn’t hold it against you if you haven’t!), there is a reason as to why that was so funny.

Yes, my ears and brain had a few wires crossed and I actually confused the word “butt” with “up.” Oh, the sound of melancholy 80s pop love songs- the turmoil of Madonna in her song “Crazy for You.” Picture me in the back seat of our white Dodge Minivan, afraid at the humble age of 12 of the prospect of being alone for the rest of my life. Alone, alone, ALONE. Really!?

When I started thinking about what my greatest teacher in life has been, my heart met my mind in front of the great Scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz. All kind of directions were popping up, but I was led to an unexpected place within myself. The thoughts opened the door to the root of my life’s greatest fear, and greatest teacher- the fear of being alone, abandoned, all by my lonesome with my own “Achy Breaky Heart.” The fact that I can’t stand country music makes the fear that much more substantiated.

Loneliness, once my mind’s arch enemy, has become my best friend. Without it I could never have seen the truth of who I am- like a mirror on display simultaneously within me and outside of me. It has taught me time and again the opposite- that I am never alone as I exist in everything I feel, perceive around me.

Once, when I was confronting all the reasons I believed no one would want me and I would die as Bridget Jones’ version of a lonely old “spinster,” and eventually be eaten by wild dogs, I was bluntly asked, “Are you crazy?” He continued, this stranger that was deeply involved in one of the most difficult confession sessions I had ever completed, “Why would you ever believe those things about yourself?”

That question turned out to be one that I am grateful for every day. This fear of being alone has led me on a journey of inner knowing, a “wild goose chase” if you will, that I never thought was possible. Through all the “crazy,” the tears, the crippling mental self flagellation, I have come out to the world with the understanding that it was only me, myself and I that could attempt to isolate myself from my truth and the people that operate within it.

What is my truth? That in every laugh, impulsive reaction of every person I find annoying, adore, or look up to- there I am. No, I don’t have multiple personality disorder, but what I do have is a case of being human. The most difficult and awesome part of the experience is that all I see in others is a simple reflection of me.

In the end of the film, While You Were Sleeping, when Bullock’s character Lucy confesses she really is not the fiancé of the man she is about to marry, she explains to mother, father, grandmother, godfather, and sister, that she simply fell in love with not just her fiancé, but ALL of them. And just like that, she was never alone again. Through the fear of my greatest teacher (and many Cure songs of course) I have found a path to loving and appreciating all parts of myself within everyone I encounter. And I am ever abundantly more in love with all aspects of being human, every day.

I AM Napoleon Dynamite

April 18, 2014Boundaries, Co-dependent, Ego, Life Coach, Self PerceptionAbout a Boy, Billy Idol, Boundaries, co-dependent, Dancing with Myself, Ego, Empowerment, Killing me Softly, Life, life coach, Liger, Napoleon Dynamite, Perception, purposeful perception, Roberta Flack, Self PerceptionBorn to Be

Okay, maybe I am really not Napoleon Dynamite in form- but in a lot of ways inside, I am. Time and again, I am humbled through the recognition that I AM everything I see in others…even an odd dude who draws magical animals like “ligers” and some how musters the courage to do an awesome dance to “Canned Heat” by Jamiroquai on stage in front of a crowd of some of the most potentially judgmental people around, high school students! Like Will states to Marcus in the film About a Boy before he steps on stage with a tambourine and sings “Killing Me Softly” by Roberta Flack, “It’s social suicide!”

Mis-perception Blues

This past week, I’ve had a case of the “mis-perception blues,” so to speak. So I’ve been looking outside myself for some inspiration to reflect back to my skewed inner world. As I was running I just thought about the legendary Napoleon Dynamite who embraced nerdiness and the desire to help a friend win the school election no matter the potential consequences. And so, this is my monthly outing of myself as a total nerd that sometimes rocks out to Billy Idol’s “Dancing with Myself” in my bedroom- alone.

Every once in awhile we are pushed to do some soul searching on our own negative qualities as we feel overwhelmed by others that assert themselves into our lives. The ego part of me wanted to just bow out, curl up in my pajamas and eat cheese puffs while talking to the psychic network. Fortunately, I chose to confront the inner demon head on and readjust my camera lens in an effort to make some changes in my life.

Winona Ryder's character in film Reality Bites, couching it. — Winona Ryder’s character in film Reality Bites, couching it.

Instead of hiding, I’m recognizing that I’ve had a problem with thinking that what I am able to give to others will determine how they will perceive me and give me approval. For me moving forward, relationships, whether they are friendships, business partners, or family, are based on good boundaries and simply liking and respecting one another. And like Napoleon Dynamite, I can get up on that stage with my puffy black high tops (well, more like platform sandals) and my “Vote for Pedro” t-shirt and ROCK OUT! Thank you audience in advance for applauding and not throwing bottles at my head.

It’s Hip to Be A Square

April 1, 2014Acceptance, Attachment, Ego, Life Coach, PerceptionAspergers, Attachment, Bullying, Compassion, debbie ford, Ego, Hip to Be A Square, Hip to Be Square, Huey Lewis and the News, LA Times, Life, life coach, My Little Pony, Parenthood, Perception, Queen, Revenge of the Nerds, Sesame Street, Susan Rowher, We Are The ChampionsBorn to Be

“School should be a place for children to learn and grow, not where they end up bullied for simply being themselves.” Susan Rowher, Guest Blogger, LA Times

Listening Soundtrack: Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World, Israel ‘IZ’ Kamakawiwo’ole

Do you remember when Sesame Street took the cheesy pop song by Huey Lewis in the News (I know I am putting myself at risk by denoting this song as “cheesy,” please- have mercy on me!) “It’s Hip to be Square” and magically turned it into “It’s Hip to be A Square”? Love it! And so it goes- this is the perfect song to relate to this blog post regarding all the awesome “squares” in the world. This one goes out to you!

Last week I was driving to work in the early morning, crossing a beautifully tree lined river where tiny green leaves were slowly making their way to the new day sunlight, when I heard a discussion on the radio about a boy being bullied in school for his choice of a My Little Pony backpack (old news to some- but I can’t get it out of my head!). If you have heard this story- I’ll be brief! The school decided that the way to allay the bullying was to have the young boy not bring his choice of backpack to school any longer. Keep in mind that the boy was already being bullied prior to the backpack incident. The mother in her efforts to seek help went to the media with the story.

We Are The Champions, My Friends

How many of us have been just like this young boy in life, modifying the truth of who we are just to appease the grumpalumps that don’t agree with what we chose to wear or the music we enjoy as a way to avoid disapproval? The answer? Everyone. Let’s think…”Revenge of the Nerds” anyone? I mean, who didn’t feel exhilarated and teary eyed at the end of the film when Queen’s “We Are The Champions” was played as Anthony Edwards and all his nerd friends stood up for themselves? Go Booger!

The LA Times published an opinion piece recently about not only this incident, but a girl in Virginia who also was recently told by a school that she didn’t dress feminine enough and if she didn’t change her choice of clothing their school was not the right place for them. Really?! I was a tomboy when I was younger, I had a mullet, buck teeth and played with GI Joes. I’m pretty girlie as an adult. In the end, is deliberately making someone feel like an outcast really accomplishing anything?

In the opinion piece, guest blogger Susan Rowher stated in the opening (and fantastic) quote, “School should be a place for children to learn and grow, not where they end up bullied for simply being themselves.” To elaborate on this point, I feel like life should also be that way, no matter how old you are or where you are working, living.

What We Think We Know

In a way it is almost surreal that human beings would attach so much meaning to a backpack’s theme that they would actually harass them, even physically hurt them. Why do clothes, physical objects, carry so much meaning for us as a society that people actually feel threatened by them? When will a backpack just be a backpack? When will a word that is directed at us just be a word, rather than an internal jail sentence for life? Why do people feel so threatened by something that is different from what they think they know?

It’s Our Choice

The mind is a magician in a pretty big and diverse world. It likes to play games so we continue to engage in its game. It is programmed to perpetuate a belief that we are not connected to one another. And it in turn has the potential within all of us to create suffering. The suffering is not only for others, we experience it as well. The diamond in the ruff of this life is that we actually have a choice about what thoughts we are going to align ourselves with, and we can think about which ones will continue to just make us and others feel badly.

“Don’t should on yourself.”

When I look back at my life, there are times where I have regretted hurting others, and also feel regret for doing something that caused another to want to hurt me. But regret will get us nowhere and as my coaching teacher Debbie Ford used to say, “Don’t should on yourself.” Our life is a treasure to behold, as well as everyone else’s life. If we can just remember this even with a part of our day we can begin to bring change into this world and help people feel better.

In life we will encounter a lot of tough decisions on the way, especially if we have kids and they are hurting inside. Today, I was getting caught up on one of my favorite shows, Parenthood. In the show Max, who is a teen with Asperger’s, is coping with someone peeing in his canteen on a school trip. At the end, his parents finally surrendered to Max’s desire to not go back to that school anymore where the administrators felt they couldn’t do anything to appease the bullying and live life on his terms rather than be harassed for being different. I wish we could all just give one another a hug and go surfing with great music playing in the background like they did in the show right now, but I know that is not really going to happen. So, in my imagination I am doing just that and hoping that we all can forgive one another and remember that same internal spark of light that exists within every one of us no matter our different circumstances.

If it has to start somewhere, let it start with us. It is hip to be A square!