Category Archives: Boundaries

I AM Napoleon Dynamite

April 18, 2014Boundaries, Co-dependent, Ego, Life Coach, Self PerceptionAbout a Boy, Billy Idol, Boundaries, co-dependent, Dancing with Myself, Ego, Empowerment, Killing me Softly, Life, life coach, Liger, Napoleon Dynamite, Perception, purposeful perception, Roberta Flack, Self PerceptionBorn to Be

Okay, maybe I am really not Napoleon Dynamite in form- but in a lot of ways inside, I am. Time and again, I am humbled through the recognition that I AM everything I see in others…even an odd dude who draws magical animals like “ligers” and some how musters the courage to do an awesome dance to “Canned Heat” by Jamiroquai on stage in front of a crowd of some of the most potentially judgmental people around, high school students! Like Will states to Marcus in the film About a Boy before he steps on stage with a tambourine and sings “Killing Me Softly” by Roberta Flack, “It’s social suicide!”

Mis-perception Blues

This past week, I’ve had a case of the “mis-perception blues,” so to speak. So I’ve been looking outside myself for some inspiration to reflect back to my skewed inner world. As I was running I just thought about the legendary Napoleon Dynamite who embraced nerdiness and the desire to help a friend win the school election no matter the potential consequences. And so, this is my monthly outing of myself as a total nerd that sometimes rocks out to Billy Idol’s “Dancing with Myself” in my bedroom- alone.

Every once in awhile we are pushed to do some soul searching on our own negative qualities as we feel overwhelmed by others that assert themselves into our lives. The ego part of me wanted to just bow out, curl up in my pajamas and eat cheese puffs while talking to the psychic network. Fortunately, I chose to confront the inner demon head on and readjust my camera lens in an effort to make some changes in my life.

Winona Ryder's character in film Reality Bites, couching it. — Winona Ryder’s character in film Reality Bites, couching it.

Instead of hiding, I’m recognizing that I’ve had a problem with thinking that what I am able to give to others will determine how they will perceive me and give me approval. For me moving forward, relationships, whether they are friendships, business partners, or family, are based on good boundaries and simply liking and respecting one another. And like Napoleon Dynamite, I can get up on that stage with my puffy black high tops (well, more like platform sandals) and my “Vote for Pedro” t-shirt and ROCK OUT! Thank you audience in advance for applauding and not throwing bottles at my head.

My POP Song Dilemma

June 18, 2013Acceptance, Boundaries, Co-dependent, Ego, Life Coach, Love, Meditation, Mind, Perception, Self Perception, self-helpco-dependent, Ego, Katy Perry, Life, love, Lyrics, meditation, Music, Perception, pop culture, Pop music, Self Perception, Taylor SwiftBorn to Be

I know I have my opinions about music, but there is one thing about pop music in the present moment that drives me batty- the lyrics. And how fitting, to see this recent “Taylor Swift feminist doppledanger” created by Clara Beyer, a rising senior at Brown University, in the news creating more empowering lyrics for Swift’s music! After living much of my life in a co-dependent fog I can’t help but notice how often lyrics are very reflective of a co-dependent state of mind, feeding a monster within our society that says “I need you” under the guise of love. Between the neediness and the victim mentality I seem to find myself plugging in my mp3 player almost immediately upon entering my vehicle or being that really annoying person that keeps changing stations with the hope that something listenable will magically start playing.

The ignorant mind thrives on lyrics like “This is the part of me, That you’re never gonna ever take away from me” from Katy Perry in her song Part of Me. I mean, no one can ever take a part of you away without your general consent- hence the continuous victim droning that plays over and over again on the radio. Most of the listeners of Katy Perry are young girls that are buying into this fake sort of empowerment, rather than learning that relationships are not about compromising your integrity to have someone in your life.

In reflecting, it is difficult for me to know that other girls really believe this stuff and continue to act it out because I used to do the same thing, and it caused me a lot of suffering. Not everyone has the tools to walk out of the fog of these types of limiting perceptions, and they continue to teach them to their own children, hence the cycle continues. My meditation teacher taught me that the greatest way to help the world was to meditate on my own inner peace. I am so grateful every day for what he taught me, and will continue to work to help all by working on the healing of my very own heart.

There is this great scene in Sex in the City, the first film, where Carrie is reading Cinderella to her goddaughter and she pauses at the end to make sure the little one understands that life does not always turn out that way. The little girl naively shouts for her to read it again. Carrie ends the scene with “Another one bites the dust.” It’s funny, because it is true.

Lessons learned out of my pop song dilemma:

Perceptions that thrive on “me versus you” are rooted in the ignorant mind.
I am accountable for me and how I perceive the world- no one else.
I always have a choice to either accept someone else’s feelings or indulge in being a victim of their feelings.
My self-perceptions will always reflect in the way a relationship is unfolding- the more I shift my self-perceptions into purposeful perceptions, the more my relationships will reflect these perceptions rooted in empowerment and joy.

“LET’S ROCK BIG LOVE!”™ Jessica

WHERE’S YOUR HEAD AT?

June 6, 2013Acceptance, Boundaries, Ego, Forgiveness, Heal, lessons, Life, Life Coach, oneness, Power, Self Perception, self-help, transformation, UncategorizedAcceptance, basement jaxx, Boundaries, forgiveness, Heal, Life, love, oneness, peace, Perception, Release, Self Perception, self-loveBorn to Be

Does your mind ever feel like this? Picture by Katie Lee found on VisualizeUS at http://vi.sualize.us/by_katie_lee_photography_balloons_inspiration_beautiful_picture_5zqt.html — Does your mind ever feel like this? Picture by Katie Lee found on VisualizeUS

A long time ago during my partying days, a group of my friends and I loved to rock out to the electronica song “Where’s you’re head at?” by Basement Jaxx. I remember dancing on the rooftop of my friends’ enormous shared house on California Street in Washington DC during the summer when the low air quality fog hung over the city as the sun would try to peak through making it more amplified- and soon, you could always count on that song. Why am I rambling about this song? Because I realize how this song has revisited me in a new era of my life, where I am always reflecting on just that- where is my head at?

It is a perfect question at a perfect time where half of what I am reflecting on is perception and mind. In breaking down perception, the basis for my upcoming book, reflecting on your state of mind and how you are about to react to something is a valuable tool for living a life that is authentic and uncompromising. What I do realize is that most of the time we are completely unaware of where our head is at- tethered like a balloon full of helium just bobbing along and carried off by any slight wind.

Just recently I orchestrated a large event and made a mistake that really upset someone. When the victim of my own confused and overwhelmed mind confronted me about it, she expressed with great emotion her unhappiness. I felt terrible and could not get the moment out of my mind. I had a running tape of it secured tightly, rolling over and over again. I relived my own feelings of shame and guilt without end.

When I went to bed that night, I had to acknowledge a few things in order to let it go.

1- Forgiveness of Self- I made a mistake, but running a tape of the incident over and over again in my head was completely unproductive and would give me nothing but more negative “feelings.”

2- Acceptance & Boundaries- I said I was sorry, over and over again, but she chose to still be extremely upset. It is her choice alone. There is nothing I could do to change how she felt. This is a good boundary- that everyone is responsible for their own choices, and that includes in how they react. My only role would be acceptance, and staying in my integrity.

3- Release & Heal- In accepting and creating a good boundary, the one thing I did have the power to do was envision this other person engaged in feelings of love and happiness. I bathed the situation in love, and let it go. Even in our boundary setting, which is primarily a function of the ego-driven mind, I can also recognize that we are inherently connected in spirit, and sending love and envisioning the situation transformed, it will help heal no matter what my mind tells me.

I acknowledge I still feel a little shame. And I shall need to work on that, continuing with the above process. But most importantly, I also have the opportunity to practice the new perception in my life that is at the core of my past experiences with situations like this one-

I AM LOVABLE.

Even though I made a mistake as we all do, or else what is the purpose of this life, I am not unlovable, as I might have acted out in the past. But due to awareness, and processing my old perception of self, I can now come out of situations like that empowered with the knowledge of exactly where my head is at. Time to groove on!

What Are the Health Effects of Anger and Stress? (stress.answers.com)

GOOD BOUNDARIES, HEALTHY EMPATHY

September 17, 2012Attachment, Boundaries, Buddhism, Co-dependent, Compassion, Ego, Emptiness, Forgiveness, Perception, Power, Psychology, Self PerceptionAttachment, buddhism, co-dependent, Compassion, Ego, emptiness, Perception, Power, psychology, Self PerceptionBorn to Be

BOUNDARIES– what does this word really mean? I once heard a speaker at a spiritual conference refer to boundaries as a joke. I remember hearing this person scoff at the word and laugh in front of hundreds of people while she issued her commentary on lifestyle magazines and their “silly” articles. I remember immediately thinking- really? I actually was quite surprised and felt sad that there were so many vulnerable people around me learning that “boundaries” in a spiritual context were something dreamed up by the mind and trying to maintain them was ignorance.

It bothered me because I was someone that had very poor boundaries growing up, and was still someone struggling to understand what they really meant in my relationships- particularly with my boyfriend (and past boyfriends). That conference was years ago, and I am still learning- but fortunately, years later- I have really owned up to my lack of boundaries and my former lack of awareness.

When I first started hearing about this word “boundaries”, I remember feeling like it was a word from an alien language. I eventually learned that as a very sensitive person that learned to be the balancer in my group of siblings, I had a real problem blurring the lines between my feelings and someone else’s, leading to a deep lack of understanding that other people are capable of taking care of themselves and I am not responsible for how other people handle their consequences and reactions. I lived a life of co-dependent relationships, lacking the ability to provide any accountability for behavior that was not in line with my definition of integrity. I constantly compromised myself by being in relationships with people that also had bad boundaries and would do things that didn’t feel “right” to me.

It is easy to take the nihilistic point of view here and interpret the understanding of emptiness in a way that can be extremely dysfunctional. Things do exist in the way that we see them from our point of view- but that is our reality and it does not mean that our point of view is any less skewed than another person’s because if we are living in an ego-driven reality then we are all delusional. But it is also important for extremely empathic, compassionate people to understand that we are not responsible for another person’s choices and all we can do is stand in our own integrity and simply love by loving the Buddha nature of that person.

When we hold someone in that space, we are doing more than we realize, and we don’t always have to do anything else. When we correct our mind, we help others correct their mind as well. If we choose to not engage in another person’s drama and allow them to experience their karma through their gift of free will, yet love them by healing our inner-divide, we are doing them a greater service than trying to be involved in a relationship with them that is based on you being accountable for their state of mind. For me this was revolutionary, and for the first time in my life I had real clarity when I was able to say in my heart that this person before me was capable of being responsible for their reactions, not me.

One morning in my journey to work I heard a clip on the radio from the interview with Rihanna and Oprah. In the interview Rihanna was talking about how all she really cared about was that her abuser was happy in his life, and that was what mattered the most to her. As I listened I realized how co-dependent this person still was, and it made me feel deep compassion for her. I also felt sad that this was not brought up by Oprah in the interview because it seemed so clear to me. She was still living out the same pattern with this person- and she was still feeling accountable for how this person felt- whether it was happiness or sadness. This is the reason many people stay with abusers- another blurry line.

That speaker I heard years ago can mock me too if she would like to, or compare me to a silly lifestyle magazine. But I feel it is extremely important in my work as a life coach and teacher to remember that there is a gradual process in understanding how our ego-driven mind can block us in understanding what the Buddha nature is within ourselves and how we share it with one another as spiritual beings innately connected with one another. Until we can heal that which is broken within us emotionally, we are blind to our oneness.

It begins with recognizing the Buddha nature within our hearts and having compassion for our own suffering, then others. And compassion is not about giving your power and energy away in an effort to ease someone’s suffering. It is about seeing someone’s suffering and understanding that it is your suffering as well. It involves seeing that we in our ignorant mind may not understand fully the dynamics of a karmic situation, but we can end dysfunction through the free will and choice that we have, and choose to live our life in a healthy way free of dysfunctional self perception. This leads to forgiveness and no attachment, and without attachment we are able to see our true nature, our Buddha nature.