Tag Archives: Power

directions for an empowered life

Truth or Consequences?! 3 Questions to Ask Yourself on Living an Empowered Life

Empowerment, Life Coach, Mind, Perception, Power, Self Perception, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“In the present circumstances, no one can afford to assume that someone else will solve their problems. Every individual has a responsibility to help guide our global family in the right direction. Good wishes are not sufficient; we must become actively engaged.” – The Dalai Lama, at a Universal Ed for Compassion and Wisdom Conference in Sidney earlier this year.

In my meditation this morning I heard these distinct words-

“You are not a consequence.”

The first thing I had to do was find the more direct definition for consequence, and go from there.  From Dictionary.com we get:

con·se·quence  

Noun

  1. A result or effect of an action or condition.
  2. Importance or relevance: “the past is of no consequence”.

I loved the statement the minute I heard it in my heart.  The statement oozes accountability and authenticity which are primary tenants in understanding how perception plays a role in our lives.  I have often said in my writing that it is important for us to understand how to use the mind to work for us, rather than continue the charade of allowing the ignorant mind to use our precious opportunity of life.

So where do you stand?

  1. Do you see your life as a playground of choices that you get to make every day including your own self perceptions, or do you live your life as if it were a place of consequence?
  2. Do you view life as a result or effect of an action by another?
  3. Are you and your experiences the consequence of others or of your own mind?

Lots of big questions?  I know, I can’t help it!  Something I realized this morning in this meditation as part of this statement on consequence is that my whole existence is the result of a desire to help others.  The root of my existence is not to be kept and harbored but to be shared and lived with others.

We are all a result of a desire to help others.

Years ago I was watching this episode of the show ER- I loved that show.  This one particular episode Eriq La Salle’s character, Dr. Benton, had to do some volunteer work at a mobile medical station in the middle of nowhere Louisiana.  As a black man he was experiencing racism that he hadn’t normally experience, and as an educated man he himself was behaving like a classist that did not want to be there doing this assignment.  Maybe easier said- he was pissed and angry, yet these people needed medical care.  In the end of the show he had experienced a kind of spiritual awakening, where he realized how important it was for his work as a doctor to be used as a means to help people heal- that it went deeper than his ego linked with his ignorant mind initially led on.

At the end of this episode I cried so deeply for like an hour, because in my heart I could not imagine doing anything except helping people heal and I knew it was an innate part of my existence.  We are all a result of a desire to help others.  We are all a result of the desire to love ourselves wholly and in turn love others from the most expanded part of our being.  No matter what we do in this life, we affect people and every moment is an opportunity to offer kindness.  Every little act is part of being accountable and acknowledging that we do not need to be victims of consequence, but part of a life that owns our mind and how it affects the world around us.

“LET’S ROCK BIG LOVE!”™  Jessica

DAILY PROMPT: Confessions of a Co-dependent: Me, Myself & My Helplessness

Awareness, Buddhism, Co-dependent, Ego, Forgiveness, Karma, Life, Life Coach, Love, Perception, Psychology, Reflection, Self Perception, self-help, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

loveyourselfchallenge_tumblrLooking back, living life as a co-dependent was like a personal hell that I would re-create through relationships for myself over and over again.  I started to feel like Bill Murray in the film Groundhog Day only I didn’t feel like an omnipotent “God” with the advantage of no-calorie pastries, I felt helpless and cursed.  I lived my life like an addict, only I was addicted to being needed by others and when I was rejected I didn’t know where to turn.  Usually I would turn, but I would just turn in circles like an out of control top who could not tolerate the pain any longer.

Many addicts talk about when they “hit bottom” and my hitting bottom was definitely not something to write home about.  As for many, it was one of those experiences that has come back to haunt me in my own “hall of shame” many a time.  Understanding co-dependency is very difficult and frustrating for outsiders.  We can see certain patterns in people, but it can be trying and difficult to understand why they keep going back to that place of helplessness and loneliness whenever a relationship ends.  And why they choose partners that may seem dysfunctional or simply “wrong” for them.

For me, I had deeply ingrained worthiness issues, and I chose people that would prove to me my own personal belief system- that I did not deserve a healthy, thriving relationship that fed my soul on all levels, and that had good boundaries.  My lack of boundaries always set me up to fail because I compromised what felt right for me all the time due to my fear of conflict.  It would build up until I myself could not handle the situation any longer.  But if a breakup came out of left field, it felt like deep abandonment and I had no healthy coping mechanisms to help me get out of my personally fated riptide.

My rock bottom was not the end of my conflict, but it brought a turning point for me in my psyche that I had to take notice of.  I was young and already felt tired of having to go through the motions of life.  I was confronted with a break up that to me came out of left field.  I was a year out of college, and still very co-dependent.  When the break-up happened, I felt amazed at how people can make decisions for you and there was nothing you could do about it.  But mostly, I felt downtrodden and so helpless that life simply didn’t matter anymore.  There was a crack of light from my soul trying to expand itself into my ego-centered vision, but I was refusing to see it.

One night after going out with some friends and drinking I walked into my dark bedroom as if I was walking into a prison cell.   I looked out my window and saw the street lamp’s light, and the beautiful leaves from the trees rustling so peacefully.  In my heart, I wanted to be those leaves and not myself.  I was truly sick of my ego’s helplessness.  I then swallowed a bottle of pills.  Before going to the hospital, I simply remember this one thought- “why doesn’t anyone love me.”  What I had to learn is that my own personal love for myself and the divinity that coursed through my veins was undeveloped, and it was time to move forward.  And you know what? I am grateful every day for the grace and karma that I had to take life back by the reins from that experience and remember my truth rather than reject it so I could hold onto a belief system about myself that my ego used every day to create more separation.  The great divide within myself had to heal, as it does within all of us.  And I look forward to doing this with others for the rest of my life.

COMPASSION FOR OUR DARKEST MOMENTS

Attachment, Awareness, Buddhism, Carl Jung, Charter for Compassion, Compassion, Debbie Ford, Ego, Forgiveness, Joy, Life, Life Coach, Peace, Psychology, self-help, , , , , , , , , , , ,
From Charter for Compassion, Article by Rita Hibbard, Relying on the Kindness of Strangers

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It’s always darkest before the dawn

And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I’m always dragging that horse around
And our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it’s always darkest before the dawn

Florence and the Machine, “Shake It Out”

In my own journey, I have learned a great deal about compassion.  Not only for others, but compassion for myself and all my foibles in this life.  As most of you know, and at the risk of sounding utterly cliché at this moment, without our life’s foibles we would never grow- that is, if we have the wisdom to see our foibles as growing experiences rather than things “happening to us”.  If compassion does not begin within ourselves, then it is very difficult to have compassion for other people.  In fact, those that are very hard on others are most likely even harder on themselves.  Our outer is a reflection of our inner no matter how we deal the cards.

A long time ago at a retreat for my coaching work, my teacher Debbie Ford came on stage holding a baby doll.  She brought to everyone’s attention how cute and sweet this innocent little child was.  Then, she started yelling and criticizing the baby doll and hitting it against the chair.  Afterwards, she noted that this is how most of us treat our own selves emotionally every day through constant criticism and fear.  We usually treat others better than we treat our perceived self because no one can hear how verbally abusive we can truly be when we are talking to our selves.  Sadly, not all stick to just verbal abuse with themselves.  There are many in this world that physically abuse themselves as well.  I am confessing in this moment that I was once one of those people.

What most don’t realize is that there is an aspect within ourselves that really is genuinely receiving this criticism and begging for love.  It is usually the piece of us that made that very mistake when he or she was a little child, and shamed for making that very mistake.  In taking on WordPress’s “daily prompt”, I googled the word “kindness”.  In that “googling” I was presented with the above image as the 11th.  It was a graphic on the article “Relying on the Kindness of Strangers” by Rita Hibbard for the Charter for Compassion website.  I love this graphic!  It was perfect, and brought me to one of my favorite topics- compassion!  All of a sudden the song “Shake It Out” by Florence and the Machine came on my Pandora station- and the lyrics (listed above) met me at the fork in the road concerning this inspiring graphic and word.  In the song Florence states that it is “always darkest before the dawn” and I could not agree more.

How many of you have been dragging a dead horse around so to speak on your back and you just can’t let it go because it gives you an opportunity to continue to criticize yourself?  What does this opportunity afford you?  Many people believe that attachment has to do with those things we love in this life- but this is not true.  We are also attached to the opportunities that allow for our inner demons to control our life.  Face the inner demon.  It will only get better from there, I promise.  I say that as testimony to my own darkness and how facing it changed me forever.  It gave me new opportunities to love and embrace the joy that I rejected because I didn’t think I deserved it.  The only way I could face it was through compassion.  I was enabled to see that little girl in me suffering and give her the love she needed to move on and own her light.

To express our light takes great courage, and I invite you to express your light and have compassion for yourself.  Let those foibles go and you will be of greater service to this world through the expression of genuine compassion for others suffering.  I promise.

LESSONS LEARNED FROM POP CULTURE: HOLIDAY MADNESS – GOOD GRIEF!

Compassion, Course in Miracles, Ego, Forgiveness, Perception, Power, Self Perception, Stress, , , , , ,
EVER FEEL LIKE THIS?

Forgiveness recognizes what you thought your brother did to you has not occurred.

A Course in Miracles

As we begin the fast approach to the holidays, I have started to think about what causes the most anxiety for people when they think about hanging out with those family members that may drive them crazy.  Growing up we have many experiences that are interpreted by the child mind.  During our younger years it is difficult for us to understand other people’s behavior without making it mean something about us.  This is a large tenant of my coaching work.  It is the whole reason we develop shame from certain experiences and try to cover up our truth, limiting the joy we are able to experience when we grow older.

One way we move on from those experiences and put an end to our attachment to not only our judgment of ourselves, but also the judgment of others is through forgiveness and compassion, which in turn come from developing a new point of view (which can be very difficult).  A big tenant for me in the development of a new point of view has to do with the understanding that what someone does has nothing to do with our interpretation of it.  But the meaning we place on others’ actions contributes to our attachment and continued belief that there is a separate self.  All in all, it contributes to our suffering and prevents us from embracing not only our fullest potential, but seeing the fullest potential in the world around us.

It could play out like this- Charlie Brown is invited to be the director of the Christmas Pageant because he feels depressed due to the holidays by his antagonistic friend Lucy.  He embraces his role as director and is asked to get a big, shiny aluminum tree- maybe even painted pink!  When he is exploring the trees with his best friend Linus, he finds a little one that looks like it needs a little love (which is what Charlie Brown feels like too- projection, anyone?  anyone?)  Thus begins the plight of the “Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.”

When Charlie brings his tree back to the theater to show all his “friends”, everyone reacts badly to his choice- meaning, they react in a way that makes Charlie feel really sad inside.  Charlie takes his little tree and tries to decorate it on his own, give it a little love.  But in his attempt he concludes that maybe his tree really isn’t strong enough after all and abandons his little tree (projection again, anyone?).  When Charlie’s friends find the tree, they decide that the tree was not that bad after all, and they whip it up into shape with colorful lights, ornaments and Linus’s trusty blanket.

When Charlie Brown first felt rejected by his friends due to their reaction to his little tree, he had a choice to see that maybe their reaction was just about a tree and had nothing to do with him.  That their reaction was simply a reaction, but his vulnerability and feelings of holiday anxiety gave way to an interpretation based in fear.  In essence, nothing really occurred in that moment but the meaning he placed on their reaction created more suffering for him.  When we place a meaning on someone’s actions, we also give our power away to them.  In the end, Charlie saw his tree standing strong and illuminated by everyone’s love.  As everyone sang around the tree, he sang and felt joy.  Everything he felt about that tree was a projection regarding what he already felt about himself.  His interpretations all came back to him and his self perception.

No one really does anything to us- it is our interpretation that makes it something.  Our interpretation is rooted in our self perception and how we are feeling at that moment in time- powerless, vulnerable, sad- even happy.  No one can hurt us, we simply say their actions hurt us, and thus reconciliation within must take place.  That reconciliation is forgiveness.  Let joy into your heart through this reconciliation and new awareness so we can all find ourselves singing around Charlie’s illuminated tree without the perceived separated self!

GOOD BOUNDARIES, HEALTHY EMPATHY

Attachment, Boundaries, Buddhism, Co-dependent, Compassion, Ego, Emptiness, Forgiveness, Perception, Power, Psychology, Self Perception, , , , , , , , ,

BOUNDARIES– what does this word really mean?  I once heard a speaker at a spiritual conference refer to boundaries as a joke.  I remember hearing this person scoff at the word and laugh in front of hundreds of people while she issued her commentary on lifestyle magazines and their “silly” articles.  I remember immediately thinking- really?  I actually was quite surprised and felt sad that there were so many vulnerable people around me learning that “boundaries” in a spiritual context were something dreamed up by the mind and trying to maintain them was ignorance.

It bothered me because I was someone that had very poor boundaries growing up, and was still someone struggling to understand what they really meant in my relationships- particularly with my boyfriend (and past boyfriends).  That conference was years ago, and I am still learning- but fortunately, years later- I have really owned up to my lack of boundaries and my former lack of awareness.

When I first started hearing about this word “boundaries”, I remember feeling like it was a word from an alien language.  I eventually learned that as a very sensitive person that learned to be the balancer in my group of siblings, I had a real problem blurring the lines between my feelings and someone else’s, leading to a deep lack of understanding that other people are capable of taking care of themselves and I am not responsible for how other people handle their consequences and reactions.  I lived a life of co-dependent relationships, lacking the ability to provide any accountability for behavior that was not in line with my definition of integrity.  I constantly compromised myself by being in relationships with people that also had bad boundaries and would do things that didn’t feel “right” to me.

It is easy to take the nihilistic point of view here and interpret the understanding of emptiness in a way that can be extremely dysfunctional.  Things do exist in the way that we see them from our point of view- but that is our reality and it does not mean that our point of view is any less skewed than another person’s because if we are living in an ego-driven reality then we are all delusional.  But it is also important for extremely empathic, compassionate people to understand that we are not responsible for another person’s choices and all we can do is stand in our own integrity and simply love by loving the Buddha nature of that person.

When we hold someone in that space, we are doing more than we realize, and we don’t always have to do anything else.  When we correct our mind, we help others correct their mind as well.  If we choose to not engage in another person’s drama and allow them to experience their karma through their gift of free will, yet love them by healing our inner-divide, we are doing them a greater service than trying to be involved in a relationship with them that is based on you being accountable for their state of mind.  For me this was revolutionary, and for the first time in my life I had real clarity when I was able to say in my heart that this person before me was capable of being responsible for their reactions, not me.

One morning in my journey to work I heard a clip on the radio from the interview with Rihanna and Oprah.  In the interview Rihanna was talking about how all she really cared about was that her abuser was happy in his life, and that was what mattered the most to her.  As I listened I realized how co-dependent this person still was, and it made me feel deep compassion for her.  I also felt sad that this was not brought up by Oprah in the interview because it seemed so clear to me.  She was still living out the same pattern with this person- and she was still feeling accountable for how this person felt- whether it was happiness or sadness.  This is the reason many people stay with abusers- another blurry line.

That speaker I heard years ago can mock me too if she would like to, or compare me to a silly lifestyle magazine.  But I feel it is extremely important in my work as a life coach and teacher to remember that there is a gradual process in understanding how our ego-driven mind can block us in understanding what the Buddha nature is within ourselves and how we share it with one another as spiritual beings innately connected with one another.  Until we can heal that which is broken within us emotionally, we are blind to our oneness.

It begins with recognizing the Buddha nature within our hearts and having compassion for our own suffering, then others.  And compassion is not about giving your power and energy away in an effort to ease someone’s suffering.  It is about seeing someone’s suffering and understanding that it is your suffering as well.  It involves seeing that we in our ignorant mind may not understand fully the dynamics of a karmic situation, but we can end dysfunction through the free will and choice that we have, and choose to live our life in a healthy way free of dysfunctional self perception.  This leads to forgiveness and no attachment, and without attachment we are able to see our true nature, our Buddha nature.

PERCEPTION’S LIMITS

Carl Jung, Creativity, Ego, Perception, Power, Self Perception, , , ,

“We are not self-made. We are dependent on one another. Admitting this to ourselves isn’t an embrace of mediocrity and derivativeness, it’s a liberation from our misconceptions.” (Kirby Ferguson)

From TED, Ideas Worth Sharing

So, I recently found myself feeling really frustrated over the lawsuit victory by Apple over Samsung and their patent violation with some of their phone technology.  As a life coach, whenever I feel provoked by something, I find it important to reflect on the attachment that is being manifested by my attitude.  One thing I would like to out myself about has to do with Apple- basically, I’m not their biggest fan.  I’m now waiting for the world to implode!

Primarily, I feel like they’ve snowed the public by trying to play the card of the “indie” industrial designer and by toting an image of a company that is not like Microsoft and one that fosters creativity with more diverse applications.  What upset me about the Samsung lawsuit is how it displayed the truth behind much of their success, and as far as I’m concerned, the company contains all the characteristics that they deny in their advertising.  They are a perfect example of a shadow, as termed by Carl Jung, playing out and most people choose not to see this part of their image.

As I was discussing this with my brother recently, he brought to my attention a lecture that was on TED Talks, the internet lecture sensation on “Ideas Worth Sharing.”  The lecture was by Kirby Ferguson, and was titled “Embrace the Remix.”  Mr. Ferguson’s lecture was well thought out and very convincing.  In the lecture he attempts to demonstrate that our creativity as human beings (and a collective consciousness, as far as I would interpret), is dependent on one another.  That creativity is fostered through sharing and learning from one another.  He uses music as an example, particularly Bob Dylan, and traditional folk music, where many tunes were reused with different words, and that the artists had no problem with it.  This reuse was a part of the spirit of sharing and it was done with respect.

The quote at the top of this post was a part of the lecture.  As I contemplated this quote, I found myself also feeling liberated.  How exciting it was for me to hear someone articulate in such a perfect way, exactly how I feel inside.  He beautifully portrayed something that directly relates to my own experience with perception and how it is used as a tool by the ego-driven mind to perpetuate the idea that there is a “separate self.”

“We are not self-made.”

“We are dependent on one another.”

This is true!  In my heart, I feel this to be more real and visceral than any Apple marketing philosophy.  Another point to be made by Mr. Ferguson was this- Steve Jobs, before Apple became the beast that it is, said in an interview in 2006,

“Picasso had a saying, he said ‘good artists copy, great artists steal.’  And, we have always been shameless about stealing great ideas.”

Then, years later after the beast blossomed and he was famous, Jobs said this,

“I’m going to destroy Android because it is a stolen product.  I’m willing to go thermonuclear war on this.”

Do you see the contrast?

It is so interesting how the ego-driven mind loves to change its perceptions based on its need to manipulate its environment so others see it the way it wants to be perceived itself.  Perceptions are nothing but different colored crayons that can be used to color a picture for everyone to see.  It is up to us to see how fragile and weak that picture really is, and choose to see one another for what we really are- tools for enlightenment, mirrors, extensions of our perceived self and a gift.  I know in the business world there are criminals out there- I get it.  But when is enough, enough?  When is there a limit to how much we can control and stifle others’ creativity in the name of self-service?

We all operate out of a collective consciousness and we are remixes of one another.  To patent my imagination makes no sense.  We all connect to a pool of creativity that is shared, and it is inspired and grows by witnessing and learning from other’s creativity.  There is no “separate self” the way we think there is, and our world has a much greater potential than we can even imagine- it is up to us as a community to allow this great potential to thrive and benefit all.

And now, I need to ask myself, “How do I stifle my creativity?”

Personal growth- it never ends!