Tag Archives: grief

Heartbroken? Keep on Dancing.

June 17, 2016Grief, Life Coachcarl jung, Don McClean, grief, Heartbroken, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uAsV5-Hv-7U, Jimmy Fallon, Magnetic Fields, Orlando, Perception, Self Perception, self-love, The Cure, The Day the Music Died, The Guardian, The Shadow, Tracks, Walt Whitman, Washington DCBorn to Be

Recommended Reading Soundtrack: Nothing Matters When We’re Dancing by Magnetic Fields on 69 Love Songs

Right now, my heart is broken. I feel a compelling desire to write about it and connect with all of you who similarly feel the same teary-eyed dinginess that surfaces when you get in your car and turn on the radio, only to be confronted with senseless violence and a loss of life. A moment in time when a celebration of life turned into a final farewell.

They say emotions are the life blood of creativity. When I write, my emotions are definitely a driving force in what I choose to express and share with the world. That’s why some of the best songs, stories or poems are about heartbreak.

And heartbreak comes in many forms. Think Walt Whitman’s “Oh Captain, My Captain.” Or, “The Day the Music Died” and American Pie by Don McClean. I could go on for hours. And I must add for the record- the heartbreak I’m referring to is not a marketing “brand.” Seriously? (For more info on this new ego tripping idea, I suggest you read this recent article headline in The Guardian – gripping indeed.)

The geek in me can’t help but feel a disturbance in the force. We’re all connected and when something like this happens it is hard not to feel like crap. The one thing I thought immediately when I heard the news from Orlando was that the attacker was not what the media was portraying him to be. There was something lurking under the surface and it made my heart hurt. This stuff about terrorism just seemed like another smoke screen used by a lost and desperate soul willing to do anything to make others feel as miserable as himself.

To deny our truth, to hate ourselves – this is truly one of the greatest motivators for violence on this planet. Jung said this about inner denial and the shadow that leads weak minds like the Orlando attacker (I refuse to write his name) down a path of utter disregard for life.

“The change of character brought about by the uprush of collective forces is amazing. A gentle and reasonable being can be transformed into a maniac or a savage beast. One is always inclined to lay the blame on external circumstances, but nothing could explode in us if it had not been there. As a matter of fact, we are constantly living on the edge of a volcano, and there is, so far as we know, no way of protecting ourselves from a possible outburst that will destroy everybody within reach.” Carl Jung, Psychology and Religion” (1938). In CW 11: Psychology and Religion: West and East. P.25

You can’t help but notice the brutal irony of this shadow that has acted out during a celebration of pride in owning your true self.

The outpouring of love has been tremendous by so many since early Sunday morning. As I scroll through Facebook I find myself in tears again and again as I witness messages of kindness and a desire to pull together and become the greatest version of our collective self. One of those that really moved me was Jimmy Fallon’s statement regarding this devastating event.

Keep on dancing.

Fallon gave an emotional speech in response to Orlando’s tragic event which he graciously ended with “Keep loving each other. Keep respecting each other. And, Keep on dancing.”

As I became an adult one of my favorite places to dance and just be myself was a popular gay-owned bar in DC called Tracks. Tracks was the kind of place that welcomed everybody. The diversity in their events brought people from all walks of life together- gay and straight. It was a place that enabled me to simply feel safe to express myself and grow as an individual. I’m assuming the Pulse nightclub was very similar.

After 9/11 happened I remember sitting in my living room in Mt. Pleasant, DC, with friends sharing in our grief. The images on the television just escalated from the worse to the worst imaginable. Much like the Orlando shootings, I wish I could just be in a living room with those that I love, even strangers, just to know that I am connected in this grief.

It is easy to become isolated in this world of technology, but on the flip side it is also easy to feel how connected we all are in sharing our compassionate selves through words, music, pictures. Although this may not be the same as the touch of someone’s hand upon yours when you feel emotionally isolated, life is worth the big love that you infuse into it every day.

That in itself is one of the greatest actions we could take in honor of those that lost their lives this week. Being there for one another, and to keep on dancing.

Let’s Rock Big Love!

How Forgiveness, Death & Dying Taught Me to Love Infinitely Bigger

January 29, 2016Death, Forgiveness, Grief, Life Coach, PerceptionAndrew Belle, Authenticity, Cancer, death, Divorce, Ego, forgiveness, Greenland, grief, Ittoqqortoormiit, Jerry Seinfeld, Judgment, Life, Michael Stipe, NPR, Perception, purposeful perception, REMBorn to Be

Recommended Reading Soundtrack: Dark Matter by Andrew Belle on Black Bear

Is it really 2016 already? Clearly I’ve been out of the loop with my writing and once you pass a certain timeline it’s like you’re Jerry Seinfeld in that episode where he can’t remember the name of the girl he’s dating but it’s too late to ask her. What did it rhyme with again? Awkward!

In the spirit of the New Year, I thought I’d come clean on my online absence and connect with y’all on what’s been clouding my own purposeful perception. Last year I was gifted with an abundance of dreamy opportunities to reevaluate how I authentically support my passions. In a way it was one of the most illuminating years I’ve ever experienced in finding my voice. And, it’s not that my voice was lost. It was simply ready for a bit of refining around the truth behind my art.

Sometimes our minds have so much noise in them it’s like we have a microphone loudly spewing static in our heads. And suddenly, REM’s Michael Stipe has taken over everyone’s voice box shouting “What’s the frequency, Kenneth!” over and over again until you just can’t stand it anymore. Our mental static acts as a truth deterrent.

Life, Cancer & Death

It’s those deep troughs in life that make us stop and question our choices and how they support what we say we want in life. At the beginning of last summer it was shared with me that my ex-husband was delivered a grim diagnosis of stage 4 colon cancer that had spread into other vital organs.

Only a few months later I learned that his cancer progressed and he suddenly passed away, leaving behind his young daughter and many shocked, devastated friends. When we divorced there was a lot of anger that fueled a regretful and sorrowful separation from his daughter. It was never addressed between us again.

And now, it never will be.

“Unforgiveable”

Sadly, my heart had harbored a spark of hope that one day it would resurface in the form of forgiveness. Instead I found myself reliving my divorce with the added bonus of painful, lingering memories. I grieved alone the death of someone that I loved, despite all the crap that we slung at one another. I went to the dark side and found myself scanning through old emails only to find the last words he ever said to me, “What you did to me and my daughter is unforgivable.”

What we choose to say to others, even in our lowest points, has consequences. In reading these words I felt a profound sadness different from the past. I felt distraught that even in facing death we can allow our stubbornness and the need to make someone wrong get in the way of forgiveness. Our mortality is irreversible.

It is easy for us to take for granted the miracles that abound from every little connection we make in life. The support of our relationships can collapse around us at any moment with life’s endings. Every word we share with another is an opportunity to be kind and practice love. We can choose to live life as a prayer of self-forgiveness that heals our hearts and frees others from the chains of past judgments. The challenge arose for me in forgiving myself without any possibility of forgiveness from the other party, a one sided conversation.

So I went on a little journey and after weeks of carrying around the emotional weight of his death, our past, and the inability to tell his daughter that I loved her, that I was sorry- I reached a general consensus with all the voices I’ve invented in my head. It yielded a new commitment to never compromise my truth again. Life is a collage of precious moments worth much more than the value our ego places on it. This includes what we tolerate from others.

My self-declaration forced some positive, life altering changes.

Six months later, I am now ready to get back in the twinkle light parade. What does that mean, exactly?

Welcome back, my dear friend. Welcome back the sun.

Village_Sun — Julianne Kuko, 9, holds a drawing of the sun as she and her classmates perform a song to welcome the first sunrise in 58 days. Rebecca Hersher/NPR

I heard a touching story the other day on NPR about a tiny town in Greenland called Ittoqqortoormiit that has been without sunlight for 58 days. The town’s seasonal cycle of darkness recently ended and as the sun rose for the first time since November children gathered in a circle on top of a hill with colorful cutouts of the sun.

Together they sang their traditional song, “Welcome back, my dear friend. Welcome back the sun.” Hearing the song reminded me of how I feel coming out of the wormhole that was my last 6 months. Every now and then we are gifted with a glimpse into the magnificence that we are through the abundance of love and lack thereof bustling around us. It’s what we do with this personal glimpse of light rising out of our darkness that matters.

Today, and forever- Let’s Rock Big Love! Jess

Love the World, It Needs You.

March 26, 2015Grief, Unity9/11, Ego, Germanwings flight 4U9525, grief, Hope, Lonesome Dreams, Lord Huron, love, mind, Pay It Forward, UnityBorn to Be

Recommended Reading Soundtrack: Lonesome Dreams by Lord Huron on Lonesome Dreams (You’ll love this song!)

As I started my day today, I found myself in astonishment while reading the latest on the plane crash in the French Alps. While I was at peace enjoying my morning coffee and the beautiful spring weather here in New Mexico, there were people all around the world in pain. There were people suffering because they had lost someone they loved, and not because of some crazy accident. They were lost because another human being chose to take them out.

It is hard to make sense of events like this. And my mind could search all day and night looking for an explanation. My heart knows there is no rationalization, but it continues to ache, nonetheless.

I start to think about the human beings that were on that plane, just like I did when 9/11 happened. I try to imagine what they went through knowing they were about to die. It may be the tragic part of me, but as another human being that experiences fear and pain, I feel there must be something to carry forward and learn for all they went through. Otherwise, how can 150 people die so senselessly?

Our dear friend, Hope.

As I explore within, I know there are many people that die senselessly every day. But each time I learn about another event like this I still feel stunned in much the same way. The only thing I can do is try to give as much love as I can to the world as it exists around me. I live in hope that that love will eventually make its way to those that are suffering and need it to remember hope themselves.

When 9/11 happened, I was living in Washington DC. I sat with my other stunned friends only miles from the Pentagon, confused about the reality of that day. We felt helpless, and in our helplessness the only thing that we could do was be together. When the first tower collapsed so did something deep within for each and every one of us.

Yet here we are, continuing to live and continuing to feel the loss of others even when we don’t know them. Why? Our connection to one another is something else that the mind cannot rationalize. But again, my heart feels it and I cannot deny what my heart feels. It is the pathway to compassion and paying it forward. In my paying it forward, I am choosing tonight to think of every person I have loved, every person that has given me kindness or compassion, and imagine telling them I love them and thanking them for teaching me something in this life.

Love the World, It needs you.

And for those that have walked away in anger and never looked back, with good intentions I hope they are living a life of peace. If that’s all we can do, then so be it. Our connection is a mysterious thing to the mind. But if we could choose to use our hearts a little more and love the world every day, perhaps it would continue to change for the better. Even if it’s just a little bit, that’s something.

The families of those that lost their lives on Germanwings flight 4U9525 came together today in a wreath-laying remembrance ceremony. How fitting that within each circular wreath lives the symbol for never ending unity.

Leaving Where We Come From

February 3, 2015Acceptance, Forgiveness, HopeAttachment, Compassion, Denial, Distant Cousins, Expectations, forgiveness, grief, Hope, Jason Bateman, Life, Margaret Atwood, Perception, Self Perception, This Is Where I Leave You, Wall-eBorn to Be

Recommended Reading Soundtrack: On Your Own by Distant Cousins

There are moments in our lives when we grieve. When they happen, I feel we go through a deciphering process of what it is that we are really grieving versus what we think we are grieving. Our heart rests in that moment between you and an emotional hankering for what you thought you knew- sadness, joy, forgiveness and love. These are the things that we take with us, no matter how far away the plane ride or the drive is from where you come from.

But the question remains, why is it so hard to leave where we come from?

There are scores of films, music and books about it. And I seem to gravitate toward many of these stories. Our story is a powerful thing, easily mixing with every form of communication we have created. All of our stories have one thing in common- the truth of who we are is buried inside of us along with veils of expectations, perceptions and sometimes denial. The human heart will always play the role of the decipherer and give us the direction we are constantly seeking amidst all of these veils.

As I was re-watching the ending of the film “This Is Where I Leave You”, that old familiar song began to play in my heart. The emotions welled as Jason Bateman’s character says farewell to his family after coming together for his father’s funeral. Each sibling goes their separate ways, but even though they were physically going in different directions, you can see the inner conflict in their faces and body language. No words were needed, just a great song and a look to say it all.

Where we come from is more than a house, more than some land, and more than a voice that replays over and over again in our head like a mixed tape. It’s a complicated, dimensional tale that produced not only who we have chosen to be, but how we react to the world around us, and every judgment we hold against ourselves (beware!). When you pull all of that together into a person, a magical thing unfolds- life.

Sometimes it does not seem so magical to the eye, but we just keep truck’n nonetheless. Why? I’m sure you, me and everyone around us continues to ask this question- especially when you want to pull your hair out and just throw your cell phone, computer or tablet into a lake. Giving up seems like this big open space that could potentially swallow up all of our frustrations without much harm. But is giving up letting go of our expectations or deciding not to believe in our dreams anymore?

“Don’t give up hope. It’s a chore.” Margaret Atwood

Recently I had the great opportunity to hear an interview with author Margaret Atwood. At the end of the interview, the journalist asked her if she had one last thing she wanted to say to the audience. Quickly she scrambled to say, “Don’t give up hope. It’s a chore.” Wise words? Wise words, indeed. What if leaving where we came from wasn’t about saying goodbye to all that good stuff that makes us who we are today, but about embracing it and knowing that it will always be there in every good thing you do?

I can’t help but be intrigued by these words of wisdom by Ms. Atwood. The idea that choosing hope over all the naysayers (we are our toughest critics!) and really believing in yourself and your dreams is not something that just happens- that you have to perpetuate it and be conscious of it like any other practice. All I can do is repeat it over and over again like a mantra- a song, a story.

So, this is where I leave you. Remember, “Don’t give up hope. It’s a chore.” You have to keep on truck’n- your life is worth it.

Limitless? “Get Real!”

October 2, 2014Compassion, Forgiveness, Life CoachBallet, Cameron Crowe, Compassion, Death Railway, Ego, Elizabethtown, Eric Lomax, forgiveness, Free Bird, grief, Life, Limitless, peace, Perception, Phenomenon, Potential, purposeful perception, Self Perception, Stubborness, Takashi Nagase, The Railway Man, Whitley, World War IIBorn to Be

Recommended Reading Soundtrack: “More than Life” by Whitley on album The Submarine

There are those moments tied to places from our past that emit a certain electricity. Times where we have felt right on our game, and nothing was going to get in our way of accomplishing our “Mission Impossible.” Growing up, ballet class was not one of those places for me. There were times in ballet class when I just wanted to disappear; when I ruthlessly compared myself to the “tiny” pretty girls and made unconscious decisions about my own “potential.” But I loved to dance so much that I continued in my Marcia Sue School of Dance class off that country road behind a donut shop from the time I was a smiling naïve kindergartner to a crazy teenager in high school.

I remember one afternoon while we were stretching our teacher asked us as a group what our dream was for our future. There were lots of “classic” answers. One of my classmates that I had known for years stated the trendy answer for girls in the late 80s/early 90s, “President of the United States.” I remember thinking, “why would anyone want that job!” I still feel that way, honestly. But I digress.

To me, the idea behind our “potential” as human beings contains a lot of emotional and sexist rhetoric. Defining what our greatest potential really means is a topic that intrigues me, especially as I engage in analyzing my own root belief systems and negativity.

The Quest to Define Our Potential with the Ego

There is a lot of talk out there about our inability to acknowledge the limitless nature of our potential as human beings. There are movies about it with titles so simple, how could we question their content? Titles like, “Limitless.” Or, one of my favorites? “Phenomenon!” We place a lot of limits around ourselves regardless- and they constantly transform. Stubbornness, and the need to make someone we are angry with wrong, is probably one of the most common limits I see in my work on myself, and with others.

But recently, I saw a film that blew my mind when I least expected it. As I sat in silence after the end of this heart wrenching story about a tortured soul and their abuser, I thought to myself, “Wow, now there is a man that truly lived his greatest potential. I can only hope I can love as big as he did.” The story was based on the autobiography, The Railway Man, by Eric Lomax. Lomax was a British Army officer who was sent to a Japanese POW camp in 1942 with the surrender of Singapore and forced to participate in building the well-known “Death Railway” in Thailand.

While in the camp he was tortured for telling the truth, and although he physically survived the torture and war, his heart was tormented and in pain for most of his life. In the early 80s he fell in love and remarried a woman that loved him so deeply, she was willing to risk losing her husband to help him heal his psychological wounds. This involved confronting the darkness that he was not able to reveal, even to her.

Lomax’s closest friend and also a former POW from the same camp located the interrogator that largely participated in his psychological and physical torture. His interrogator, Takashi Nagase, was living in Thailand and as part of his own personal atonement for participating in the war, had financed a Buddhist temple and museum near the bridge at the River Kwai where he gave tours. Lomax was determined to go to Thailand and kill him, but what ended up happening is an incredible story of forgiveness and reconciliation.

Owning Our Inner Freebird!

Lomax ended up becoming good friends with Nagase, a man that lived in his head as his greatest enemy for 40 years. How is it, that something so extraordinary, can happen? This is the truth of our potential as human beings. To be able to recognize that ignorance can cause someone to act out wrongly and truly see that their ignorance was not their truth. To be able to reconcile with our enemy is the greatest gift we can give to our self, and will enable us to move beyond beliefs that keep us stationary in life. Freedom in our hearts, that “Free Bird” if you will (having visions of a papier mache bird on fire comically flying over the heads of memorial attendees in Cameron Crowe’s Elizabethtown here!) has the potential to take you to unimaginable heights. These heights are only determined by you, and your own purpose in life. It is up to each of us to question what brings us joy- even if that means being the “President of the United States?”

Time to Get Real

The idea of embracing our limitless potential is about getting real with ourselves. If you can’t look into the mirror and question yourself, “where am I putting up a big STOP sign in my heart,” then you will continue to experience limitations behind the inability to forgive. I do believe it exists, this limitless potential, but without one another we can’t get there. Each of us has a gift to give to the world, to one another- it just may not be what you “think” it is. Now then, let’s REALLY get real!

Bearing Witness to Your Light on the Horizon

August 20, 2014Compassion, Gratefulness, Life Coach, Reflection, Self PerceptionAladdin, Bedouin Soundclash, Celebrity, Chariots of Fire, Coldplay, Compassion, Ego, grief, Hook, Julia Roberts, Life, Mrs. Doubtfire, Peter Pan, Robin Williams, Self PerceptionBorn to Be

Recommended Reading Soundtrack: MountainTop by Bedouin Soundclash on Album “Light the Horizon”

Recently I found myself engaged in my annual hiking tradition of tackling a 12,600 foot mountain called Santa Fe Baldy here in New Mexico. As I was rising higher and higher in altitude up this beautiful giant that holds a special place in my heart, my inner rock star was on repeat with the song Mountain Top by Bedouin Soundclash. Over and over again the words cycled “Up on the Mountain Top!” while I grew more and more out of breath. I even ran into an older gentleman whistling Chariots of Fire (his own inner rock star was clearly on a different plane), which sounded as loud as my first Alpine speaker system in my very old college VW Rabbit because the mountains are enveloped in a profound quietude at 7:30 in the morning, but it could not overpower this punk rock motivation.

Climbing a mountain, in the isolated wilderness as nature buzzes along in sync with the sunrise for 14 miles gives you a lot of time to be alone with yourself- your mind and all its delusional perceptions. It became a metaphor for my life, as it often does, and did in the very song by Bedouin Soundclash. We are constantly moving even when we don’t want to, toward a horizon colored in disaster and joy. The sky can be mucked with clouds and thunderstorms but that horizon still exists beneath the cover. Our mind can be rattled with aggravation, depression, or anxiety- but life just keeps buzzing by and we have a choice to either go along with it, or let it push us forward kicking and screaming.

Oh, There You Are Peter

A few days after my hike, the news regarding the death of Robin Williams struck my heart as it did do many others in this world. I know that much of our planet has been writing about it, talking about it, dedicating time spots in television with some of his most memorable movies. But I can’t help but express my own sadness about his passing. I didn’t know this man, but I felt like I did. I grew up with him and his improvisational genius. His smile became a permanent fixture in my heart from the scene in Hook when he begins to remember his inner Peter Pan, his truth (Click Here to Watch!).

Life’s challenge to remember our joy can be like climbing a mountain and never reaching that beautiful view promised to you by all the hiking guide books. Yet, he helped me remember it all the time! In fact, there were times where I myself wanted to let go of this life and would lay in my bed crying, wishing that I no longer had to endure the forgetfulness that comes with being human. But I would put on Hook and remember that amidst the struggle of my mind’s demons there was something inside me that recognized itself in the people around me (even when I wanted to shoot the television when the miscast Julia Roberts came on screen as Tink- nothing against you Ms. Roberts).

I think about how his world as a celebrity must have been so strange. Always having to put on a face for people when he might have felt desperation inside his heart. It is so easy for us to play the part of someone else even when we might not want to go there. But when the cameras were on, he was so good at it! And I believe that all of us are pretty darn good at it. We’ve been programmed to forget who we are and why we are here.

Your Fantabulous Light on the Horizon

But you know what, Mr. Williams? You helped me remember- because you struggled with it yourself. You helped a lot of people remember and that was your gift to us. Over the weekend I had the unique pleasure of getting to spend a few days with my niece and nephews on the east coast. Aladdin was on, and so was Mrs. Doubtfire. I saw my niece light up with laughter at age 5 when she saw Mrs. Doubtfire’s fake boobs catch on fire while cooking for the first time. I had the opportunity to talk to her about the fantabulous joy you brought to so many people’s hearts, and will continue to bring with what you’ve left behind for us to bear witness to your soul’s gifts, the light on the horizon.

“Because You’re a sky full of stars,” brought to you by Coldplay

With all that I am, I shall continue to be inspired by you and hope that I can bring others comfort much in the way you brought it to me. Sometimes we may feel lost, but if we can just remember the Peter Pan that we truly are in what we share as human beings, we have a chance at seeing the joys of Never Never Land even when we are experiencing the life of another human being toiling away in our cubical. Your generosity can only be described as that light on the horizon that we see so often and linger in its beauty. “You are a sky full of stars.” Thank you.