Category Archives: Grief

Heartbroken? Keep on Dancing.

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Recommended Reading Soundtrack:  Nothing Matters When We’re Dancing by Magnetic Fields on 69 Love Songs

Right now, my heart is broken.  I feel a compelling desire to write about it and connect with all of you who similarly feel the same teary-eyed dinginess that surfaces when you get in your car and turn on the radio, only to be confronted with senseless violence and a loss of life.  A moment in time when a celebration of life turned into a final farewell.

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They say emotions are the life blood of creativity.  When I write, my emotions are definitely a driving force in what I choose to express and share with the world.  That’s why some of the best songs, stories or poems are about heartbreak.

And heartbreak comes in many forms.   Think Walt Whitman’s “Oh Captain, My Captain.”  Or, “The Day the Music Died” and American Pie by Don McClean.  I could go on for hours.  And I must add for the record- the heartbreak I’m referring to is not a marketing “brand.”  Seriously?  (For more info on this new ego tripping idea, I suggest you read this recent article headline in The Guardian – gripping indeed.)

The geek in me can’t help but feel a disturbance in the force.  We’re all connected and when something like this happens it is hard not to feel like crap.  The one thing I thought immediately when I heard the news from Orlando was that the attacker was not what the media was portraying him to be.  There was something lurking under the surface and it made my heart hurt.  This stuff about terrorism just seemed like another smoke screen used by a lost and desperate soul willing to do anything to make others feel as miserable as himself.

darkness_consciousTo deny our truth, to hate ourselves – this is truly one of the greatest motivators for violence on this planet.  Jung said this about inner denial and the shadow that leads weak minds like the Orlando attacker (I refuse to write his name) down a path of utter disregard for life.

“The change of character brought about by the uprush of collective forces is amazing. A gentle and reasonable being can be transformed into a maniac or a savage beast. One is always inclined to lay the blame on external circumstances, but nothing could explode in us if it had not been there. As a matter of fact, we are constantly living on the edge of a volcano, and there is, so far as we know, no way of protecting ourselves from a possible outburst that will destroy everybody within reach.”  Carl Jung, Psychology and Religion” (1938). In CW 11: Psychology and Religion: West and East. P.25

You can’t help but notice the brutal irony of this shadow that has acted out during a celebration of pride in owning your true self.

The outpouring of love has been tremendous by so many since early Sunday morning.  As I scroll through Facebook I find myself in tears again and again as I witness messages of kindness and a desire to pull together and become the greatest version of our collective self.  One of those that really moved me was Jimmy Fallon’s statement regarding this devastating event.

Keep on dancing.

Fallon gave an emotional speech in response to Orlando’s tragic event which he graciously ended with “Keep loving each other.  Keep respecting each other.  And, Keep on dancing.”

As I became an adult one of my favorite places to dance and just be myself was a popular gay-owned bar in DC called Tracks.  Tracks was the kind of place that welcomed everybody.  The diversity in their events brought people from all walks of life together- gay and straight.  It was a place that enabled me to simply feel safe to express myself and grow as an individual.  I’m assuming the Pulse nightclub was very similar.

After 9/11 happened I remember sitting in my living room in Mt. Pleasant, DC, with friends sharing in our grief.  The images on the television just escalated from the worse to the worst imaginable.  Much like the Orlando shootings, I wish I could just be in a living room with those that I love, even strangers, just to know that I am connected in this grief.

It is easy to become isolated in this world of technology, but on the flip side it is also easy to feel how connected we all are in sharing our compassionate selves through words, music, pictures.  Although this may not be the same as the touch of someone’s hand upon yours when you feel emotionally isolated, life is worth the big love that you infuse into it every day.

That in itself is one of the greatest actions we could take in honor of those that lost their lives this week. Being there for one another, and to keep on dancing.

Let’s Rock Big Love!

How Forgiveness, Death & Dying Taught Me to Love Infinitely Bigger

Death, Forgiveness, Grief, Life Coach, Perception, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Recommended Reading Soundtrack:  Dark Matter by Andrew Belle on Black Bear

Is it really 2016 already? Clearly I’ve been out of the loop with my writing and once you pass a certain timeline it’s like you’re Jerry Seinfeld in that episode where he can’t remember the name of the girl he’s dating but it’s too late to ask her. What did it rhyme with again? Awkward!

In the spirit of the New Year, I thought I’d come clean on my online absence and connect with y’all on what’s been clouding my own purposeful perception. Last year I was gifted with an abundance of dreamy opportunities to reevaluate how I authentically support my passions. In a way it was one of the most illuminating years I’ve ever experienced in finding my voice. And, it’s not that my voice was lost. It was simply ready for a bit of refining around the truth behind my art.

Sometimes our minds have so much noise in them it’s like we have a microphone loudly spewing static in our heads. And suddenly, REM’s Michael Stipe has taken over everyone’s voice box shouting “What’s the frequency, Kenneth!” over and over again until you just can’t stand it anymore. Our mental static acts as a truth deterrent.

buddha-grief-quoteLife, Cancer & Death

It’s those deep troughs in life that make us stop and question our choices and how they support what we say we want in life. At the beginning of last summer it was shared with me that my ex-husband was delivered a grim diagnosis of stage 4 colon cancer that had spread into other vital organs.

Only a few months later I learned that his cancer progressed and he suddenly passed away, leaving behind his young daughter and many shocked, devastated friends. When we divorced there was a lot of anger that fueled a regretful and sorrowful separation from his daughter. It was never addressed between us again.

And now, it never will be.

Spark_of_Light_by_Swift218“Unforgiveable”

Sadly, my heart had harbored a spark of hope that one day it would resurface in the form of forgiveness. Instead I found myself reliving my divorce with the added bonus of painful, lingering memories. I grieved alone the death of someone that I loved, despite all the crap that we slung at one another. I went to the dark side and found myself scanning through old emails only to find the last words he ever said to me, “What you did to me and my daughter is unforgivable.”

What we choose to say to others, even in our lowest points, has consequences. In reading these words I felt a profound sadness different from the past. I felt distraught that even in facing death we can allow our stubbornness and the need to make someone wrong get in the way of forgiveness. Our mortality is irreversible.

It is easy for us to take for granted the miracles that abound from every little connection we make in life. The support of our relationships can collapse around us at any moment with life’s endings. Every word we share with another is an opportunity to be kind and practice love. We can choose to live life as a prayer of self-forgiveness that heals our hearts and frees others from the chains of past judgments. The challenge arose for me in forgiving myself without any possibility of forgiveness from the other party, a one sided conversation.

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So I went on a little journey and after weeks of carrying around the emotional weight of his death, our past, and the inability to tell his daughter that I loved her, that I was sorry- I reached a general consensus with all the voices I’ve invented in my head. It yielded a new commitment to never compromise my truth again. Life is a collage of precious moments worth much more than the value our ego places on it. This includes what we tolerate from others.

My self-declaration forced some positive, life altering changes.

Six months later, I am now ready to get back in the twinkle light parade. What does that mean, exactly?

Welcome back, my dear friend. Welcome back the sun.

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Julianne Kuko, 9, holds a drawing of the sun as she and her classmates perform a song to welcome the first sunrise in 58 days. Rebecca Hersher/NPR

I heard a touching story the other day on NPR about a tiny town in Greenland called Ittoqqortoormiit that has been without sunlight for 58 days. The town’s seasonal cycle of darkness recently ended and as the sun rose for the first time since November children gathered in a circle on top of a hill with colorful cutouts of the sun.

Together they sang their traditional song, “Welcome back, my dear friend. Welcome back the sun.” Hearing the song reminded me of how I feel coming out of the wormhole that was my last 6 months. Every now and then we are gifted with a glimpse into the magnificence that we are through the abundance of love and lack thereof bustling around us. It’s what we do with this personal glimpse of light rising out of our darkness that matters.

Today, and forever- Let’s Rock Big Love! Jess

Love the World, It Needs You.

Grief, Unity, , , , , , , , , ,

Recommended Reading Soundtrack:  Lonesome Dreams by Lord Huron on Lonesome Dreams (You’ll love this song!)

As I started my day today, I found myself in astonishment while reading the latest on the plane crash in the French Alps. While I was at peace enjoying my morning coffee and the beautiful spring weather here in New Mexico, there were people all around the world in pain. There were people suffering because they had lost someone they loved, and not because of some crazy accident. They were lost because another human being chose to take them out.

It is hard to make sense of events like this. And my mind could search all day and night looking for an explanation. My heart knows there is no rationalization, but it continues to ache, nonetheless.

I start to think about the human beings that were on that plane, just like I did when 9/11 happened. I try to imagine what they went through knowing they were about to die. It may be the tragic part of me, but as another human being that experiences fear and pain, I feel there must be something to carry forward and learn for all they went through. Otherwise, how can 150 people die so senselessly?

Our dear friend, Hope.

candles_hopeAs I explore within, I know there are many people that die senselessly every day. But each time I learn about another event like this I still feel stunned in much the same way. The only thing I can do is try to give as much love as I can to the world as it exists around me. I live in hope that that love will eventually make its way to those that are suffering and need it to remember hope themselves.

When 9/11 happened, I was living in Washington DC. I sat with my other stunned friends only miles from the Pentagon, confused about the reality of that day. We felt helpless, and in our helplessness the only thing that we could do was be together. When the first tower collapsed so did something deep within for each and every one of us.

Yet here we are, continuing to live and continuing to feel the loss of others even when we don’t know them. Why? Our connection to one another is something else that the mind cannot rationalize. But again, my heart feels it and I cannot deny what my heart feels. It is the pathway to compassion and paying it forward. In my paying it forward, I am choosing tonight to think of every person I have loved, every person that has given me kindness or compassion, and imagine telling them I love them and thanking them for teaching me something in this life.

Love the World, It needs you.

And for those that have walked away in anger and never looked back, with good intentions I hope they are living a life of peace. If that’s all we can do, then so be it. Our connection is a mysterious thing to the mind. But if we could choose to use our hearts a little more and love the world every day, perhaps it would continue to change for the better. Even if it’s just a little bit, that’s something.

The families of those that lost their lives on Germanwings flight 4U9525 came together today in a wreath-laying remembrance ceremony. How fitting that within each circular wreath lives the symbol for never ending unity.

How a Shooting Star Named Baby Sophia Bathed Us in Her Kindness

Compassion, Gratefulness, Grief, Kindness, Reflection, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Recommended Reading Soundtrack:  Stand By Me by Otis Redding on Album Pain in my Heart 

Feeling grumpy, crotchety, stubborn or a bit sequestered today? Get ready, because that is about to change, I promise! In pondering the significance of kindness in my life, as blogger Erica has challenged our community this week, I am finding myself deeply grateful for this opportunity to talk about the beauty of the human spirit. It is a place in our hearts that always draws us together, even when we think those words are cliché or just a bunch of hooey!

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My mind stores up moments of kindness like a big jar of peanut M&Ms that teachers tempt kids with through a guessing game of how many are harbored within that glass. They are colorful, sweet and have the added bonus of not rotting our teeth. And I digress. Then I came across an awesome story on the Washington Post by Sarah Larimer and Casey Capachi titled “Today in uplifting internet news: Redditors help father who lost his infant daughter.” The story was like an envelope being opened on stage for Best Motion Picture at the Oscars and given the chance, I couldn’t help myself but open it. I didn’t even question opening it, as of course I have limited views on news stories here, seriously!

The story- a 26 year old father who recently lost his newborn named, Sophia. One of the few pictures he had of her with open eyes and alertness in tow was also full of her evident struggle to survive- hospital equipment. As the tears started pouring, my eyes and breath strained to read more of the story about a shooting star that flew across our sky for only a brief moment. He submitted this one picture to Reddit and asked if anyone could Photoshop out the tubes to create a memory that would survive for him and the mother.

“Since she was in the hospital her whole life we never were able to get a photo without all her tubes. Can someone remove the tubes from this photo?” Wrote the 26 year old father named Nathen Steffel

The father didn’t only receive a beautiful, single edited photo, he received thousands of messages and also some mailed presents containing drawings, even an embroidered blanket. This story is a beautiful representation of our capacity to love and how one request can be an opportunity for thousands of people to respond in kindness and appreciation for the preciousness of life and how it affects us.

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The people that responded saw these parents’ pain in their own experiences. They saw themselves and wanted to give comfort and love. Beautiful compassion for the human experience that we all endure every day of both living and passing away. And I leave this blog post with one thing- thank you, Sophia, for gracing our world with this beautiful opportunity to remember how fleeting and luminous our lives are. Your kindness will help me remember to not lose sight of what is important in this world, how we choose to live our lives and “pay it forward.”

At the end of one of my favorite films, Scrooged, Bill Murray’s character gave a speech that no matter what, always made me crave more. I would sit up at night, even in the summer, and replay this one scene just to see the son of his assistant who had stopped talking since witnessing his father’s death, to say one thing, “And God Bless Us Everyone.” If you have time today, check out this article and re-watch the scene in Scrooged (Click Here!). Remember, “If you give, then it can happen, then the miracle can happen to you.”

Let’s Rock Big Love!

My Funny Valentines- A Lumineers Moment

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There are moments in our lives when we are given the great privilege to witness a deep, unimaginable love.  It is during such moments that I wish I could bottle it up.  And, whenever I feel a moment of high-test overwhelm or forgetfulness of what is most important in life, I could just pull it off a shelf, remove the top and take a nice deep breath.  Perhaps that is why writing is so important to me, as it gives us that opportunity to hold fast to those moments in our hearts, and share them with the rest of the world in high hopes that it will simply multiply with every reader’s eyes and connecting spirit.  Although, you wouldn’t know it by the unexplainable break I have taken from blogging!

My grandmother, Gertie, holding one of my favorite vocalists, my niece- Shaili.
My grandmother, Gertie, holding one of my favorite vocalists, my niece- Shaili.

But this daily prompt is another perfect opportunity to get back into the game of connecting with the brilliant hearts and minds reading this blog now.  A year ago today, my grandmother, Gertie, passed away after a long life in a place called Long Island.  With her passing I was left with one of those cherished privileges to witness this deep love that I have described, that resulted from a grand moment of togetherness and a mutual experience of grief.  As her funeral occurred over “Valentine’s Day 2013” it would seem uncanny to not take this opportunity to recognize not only my grandmother, but also my entire family, as “My Funny Valentines” this year (I’m allowed more than one Valentine, right?).

It happened at the end.  Bonding through wake after wake, and then the solidifying funeral.  There we all were, hanging out in the living room of my Uncle Joe and Aunt Sue.  My Uncle Joe’s obsession with DVR “cheese” was taking place over the television, and everyone was exhausted eating their desserts after a final meal together.  But there was one gem within his DVR madness- the song “Ho Hey” performed by the Lumineers at the most recent Grammy Award celebration.  My little niece and nephew, who were both 3 and 2 years old at the time, loved to divide the chorus between the two of them.

My 3 year old niece, belting out the words “I belong with you, you belong with me, you’re my sweetheart!”

My 2 year old nephew doing the same with, “Ho!  Hey!  Ho!  Hey!”

We all sang with them in our melancholy and gratefulness, hence that song does not play to this day without the appearance of a tear running down my face.  I love you all, my funny valentines!  And most of all, I thank you grandma, for bringing us together at the end of your life for a smashing moment of enduring love that will flourish in my heart forever.  Just remember, “I belong with you, you belong with me, you’re my sweetheart!”

In the spirit of the infinite space that resides within our hearts, I say let’s just “Rock Big Love” this week anyway, and forget about the hallmark holiday!

For + Giveness & A Weepie Moment

Acceptance, Attachment, Forgiveness, Grief, Self Perception, , , , , , , , , ,
Opening our mind's doors beyond limiting perceptions through forgiveness.
Opening our mind’s doors beyond limiting perceptions through forgiveness.

Sometimes in our lives you have an unexpected memory pop up, and you have to remember that there are no coincidences in our interactions with others and what they present to you in your heart, especially when there are no words spoken that specifically point to a past experience.  I am so grateful for everyone in my life, as they teach me something new every moment.  Recently I have been talking to a teacher of mine named Cliff Edwards that is publishing a book called The Forgiveness Handbook.  Cliff and I were talking about how forgiveness opens doorways in our lives to new possibilities because it gives us relief to our attachments to the past.  In my work, attachment is a major component to the creation of our limiting perceptions.

As I was pondering our conversation, a song by the Weepies came on called “All that I Want.”  As I heard it I started thinking about a moment in my life where I was told by my ex-husband that he had been having an affair.  That emotion of the past started creeping to the surface in the form of tears even though I thought it was gone.  I was in the middle of some hefty coaching training at the time, so I was constantly in a process, dealing with this giant eruption that just blew into my life without abandon and no warning.  I remember being on a lesson call, and I expressed to all my classmates how much of a struggle it was at that moment to feel forgiveness for the feelings of betrayal I had felt in that moment.  I could barely say the words without my voice straining with emotion, but I remember being told I needed to focus on what I needed at that point in time to take care of myself at that stage of my grief.

I realize now that I have not fully forgiven him.  It was not only for the affair, but it was also for bringing into my life this precious soul, his daughter, and how I didn’t want to hurt her by making a choice to leave the relationship.  I put myself into the situation, but I felt like a victim.  I didn’t want her to feel the pain I was feeling, I didn’t want the holidays to be ruined.  I didn’t want to lose her.  So I chose to stay, and exercise the desire to forgive in an effort to keep my life together.

In the end, it all fell apart anyway.  And in the end, I lost that relationship with his daughter.  But I do realize, that fully forgiving my ex-husband and myself will open new doorways for me and her.  I would have dreams with her, and we would be whispering to one another so that her father would not hear us talking.  When I would awaken I would just pray that her heart was full of the love she deserved and that she could forgive me.  Now, I need to fill my heart with the love I deserve as well, by allowing forgiveness in conjunction with this surrender to be complete.  Our potential in our lives to experience joy from moment to moment is so great.  Through the experience of forgiveness we finally become aware of our greatest potential to live and be loved.  The opportunity to align our self-perception with one of complete acceptance can set us free from the idea that we are not free.

Exercise

Close your eyes, and ask your heart to reveal to you a moment in time where you need to still forgive.  It could be anything- just trust what you see, experience the emotion and remember- you are not alone.