All posts by Born to Be

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About Born to Be

What's it about? Developing perceptions that can serve a greater purpose with big love. Jessica Nojek is a writer, teacher and life coach trained by successful author and teacher Debbie Ford. Her writing, coaching and artwork are about providing support and encouragement to live a life empowered by reflection on personal self perceptions and perceptions of the world around us. Her writing is intertwined with pop culture moments including music and film that serve as communication tools to demonstrate it's OK to laugh a little at ourselves. Her series, "Owning Your Uncool" features artists telling a piece of their story that inspires us to remember we are not alone in our own personal struggles, and we all feel a little "uncool" sometimes.

When All Is Most Right With The World…

Attachment, Awareness, Love, oneness

When All Is Most Right With The World…
By: Jessica Burnham

“Oh, life is like that. Sometimes, at the height of our revelries, when our joy is at its zenith, when all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters descend upon us.”
Ralphie, A Christmas Story

As a young child I remember seeing the classic film, “A Christmas Story.” This quote from the film, “Oh, life is like that. Sometimes, at the height of our revelries, when our joy is at its zenith, when all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters descend upon us,” had a profound effect on me. I always loved the dance of the words, and how true it felt when I was most down on myself. But the big question for me these days regarding this quote has to do with that unshakeable part of being. That part of us that exists regardless of joy or unthinkable disasters. That part of us that always knows “all is most right with the world.”

Why?

I know it is mid-July, and Christmas is nowhere near our thoughts in this moment. But as I sat and pondered a recent experience regarding awareness and what it means to be free of attachment- I heard Ralphie’s famous statement echo from my heart to my mind. I knew it was the perfect statement that related to how I felt. I was exercising when it happened. As I ran, with the beautiful mountains and blue sky in my view, a breeze touched me ever so deeply. In the breeze I truly felt non-attachment and how it frees us from thinking that nothing is ever right in the world.

I had been dwelling on a news piece as I ran, and this burst of energy just whipped through me with the understanding that no matter what I thought about that situation, it didn’t matter. And any emotions I put into the whole idea that something was just plain wrong didn’t matter either. Next, I thought- what if I just acknowledged that it didn’t actually matter? That is when I had that feeling, that understanding, which all really was right with the world. My feelings, my thoughts, my desire to be angry- really didn’t have any consequence to that situation directly. Suddenly this burst of joy just ran through my heart, and I knew the only thing that did matter was my love and how I chose to express myself as divine love in this world.

As humans, we have this great gift that I always yammer on about. Choice! My choice had nothing to do with this deep feeling of everything being right in the world. This feeling was simply there, always- and the minute I knew from my deepest innate nature that no matter how I chose to color the news piece, I would always be unchanged as my awareness. Nothing can change what we are made of, our essence, our being. We are blank coloring books underneath all our projections, thoughts, viewpoints, perceptions. As we grow, we choose different colors to experience a new picture. But underneath all those colors, we simply are awareness.

This glimpse was a beautiful gift. And, it gave me a reference point whenever my viewpoint begins to get out of hand. Each time we find ourselves traveling down that familiar road to defensiveness, judgment or troubling perception, we have the ability to take a deep breath and just act as the witness to this mind activity. There is something deeper that is always simply witnessing without any of these attachments. That is who we truly are, and the more we open our hearts to the possibility of fully engaging in this beingness, the more we will regularly go there without all the drama.

Inner drama, outer drama- it is all the same. Anything we experience inwardly as a rocky experience and attach to will eventually manifest in some perception and/or interaction with the world around us- usually in an unfavorable way. We are the commander of our vessels. Yet, our vessels are part of a larger picture. When we look at a painting, we can see various subject matters. A ship in the ocean is taking part in something. But, the ship is also just there. There really is no place for it to go, except simply be in that moment. And when we stop to enjoy the painting of that moment, we become a part of it. This is life. I am grateful for the beauty of moments. Being present and recognizing that all is right with the world yields a gracefulness that is surely connected to the purity of our beingness, our awareness, no matter the unthinkable disasters.

Attaching to Self Sabotage

Attachment, Awareness, Change, Ego, Forgiveness, Heal, Self Perception, self-help

Attaching to Self Sabotage
By: Jessica Ahlers
Have you ever had someone ask you the question- “Are you a self saboteur?” If someone did ask you that question, how would you answer it? I feel asking ourselves this type of powerful question strengthens our ability to truly be honest with ourselves. After all, if we can’t be honest with ourselves, then we’re definitely not being honest with others about who we are underneath our many worn masks, nor are we kidding anyone. Most of our relationship view points are truly our own, and if you ask someone else what they think about their relationship with you- you will most likely get a response that differs greatly from what you think you will hear. I have found in my own life that no matter how much I might try to lie to myself about how others like to play the truth is always there for me to see in my reactions to others around me.

It takes the deeply hidden intricacies of the mind to develop the many unsuspecting pathways to self sabotage. In the end, we usually are not aware that we are trying to sabotage ourselves because it is a difficult subject to approach and be honest about with ourselves. Have you ever experienced a breakup, where the conditions yielded a person you never even thought existed due to the self developed perception you already maintained about them? This is a very common feeling after the ending of a relationship. Most of the time there are plenty of circumstances that yield this situation. I feel all of them are rooted in the understanding of what it means to be honest and open to the possibilities of the world around us. When we can remember that we are one with all, and whole beings, then our awareness that all traits exist in every one of us- no one excluded- is heightened.

Buddhists believe that if we can look at every person in the world with the understanding that everyone is suffering, just like us, then we will cultivate more feelings of compassion and understanding, rather than seeds of anger or frustration which typically lead to a dead end and more suffering for ourselves. In trying to practice this challenging way of viewing the world, I have found it opens many doors to self reflection and kindness. When we can be honest about our own suffering, as well as the suffering of everyone around us, a major part of the human condition, we can live a life that shines authenticity. With authenticity, our abilities to sabotage ourselves become weakened. Transparency within our own world leaves more room for opportunities on all counts- especially when it comes to happiness.

Recently I lost a friend that I had known for years. I have gone through many stages of mourning this relationship. I have felt anger, sadness, and helplessness. But in the end, I can see how both of our commitments to self sabotage caused our relationship to end. It was very difficult for me to accept this person’s behavior, and couldn’t believe how I was being treated. Basically, I was in disbelief of my own self generated view point that I had for years, and had to come to terms with the fact that not only do the qualities I witnessed exist in this other person, but they also exist within myself- I just have not accepted them fully, which is why I felt so angry and plugged in.

Our issues got in the way of enjoying one another without the limitations we placed on our relationship through our view points. We both judged one another in some form, and the judgments got in our way of simply having a good time and being grateful for the manifestation of awareness we both represented. Our quest to reject an opportunity for happiness in our relationship with one another was our own self sabotage. The most any of us can do is walk away from these experiences wiser, so we can continue to be open to the joy of being that we all deserve rather than repeatedly living out life times of suffering.

Momentum and its Friend, Routine

Awareness, Life, self-help

Momentum and its Friend, Routine
By: Jessica Burnham

As I sat down to meditate most recently, I noticed how my mind continuously does its thing of wandering about my mental ‘to do’ list. As a person who actually loves to engage in lists and mastering the art of organization, this is a typical thing for my mind to do. Every once in awhile I’ll get one of those moments where the anxiety of something I may or may not have forgotten to do sends an electrical charge through my nervous system and it feels like my heart stops. I will then take a deep breath and bring my attention back to my breath and let it go. Lately I have noticed that life, not only meditation is just like this.

I sit down to do work or start preparing a meal, and then my mind might wander and bring to my consciousness something I ‘need’ to do. There is always an email to be sent, a phone call to be made, or something I am supposed to purchase. After awhile you begin to feel like a clown in a circus juggling so many different ‘things to do’ you don’t know where to turn. I call this my 3 am wake up call. For some reason my serious anxiety of all the things I need to do hits me around 3 or 4 am. This tends to happen with greater force if I have not been meditating- keeping up with my spiritual routine. I’ll wake up and everything I feel is amplified ten-fold. When I finally get back to sleep, and wake up for the day, I look back and try to understand why everything seems so much more amplified and stressful during that hour.

It is like when you wake up from a dream, and you look back at the events of the dream and laugh at how crazy and scared you felt about something, when it was all in your head. And so it goes- how much of our life is all in our head? And what kind of routine can we work with that will keep us less in our head and more in action mode and the present moment? I notice that when I stick to a routine of accomplishing different activities in my life, I begin to build a momentum. The momentum grows stronger and it is as if I have a generated power behind me giving me extra physical and creative energy to really do what I need to do without so much procrastination and attachment to sabotage. The routine you create for yourself is a way to generate the momentum you may need to seriously accomplish a specific goal that has been a drain because you keep putting it on the back burner, and getting irritated with yourself because you feel like you’ve hit a brick wall for not being attentive to what you would like to get done.

We tend to look at things as ‘needs’ when they are always choices and what we really want to do. The way we connect to our most sacred selves is integral to this routine. If we are not feeding that sacred part of our self, then we are depriving ourselves of the deepest connection to our creative juices. We are also putting our mental energy into super accumulation mode. Like a snow storm that never stops- our mind will continuously build up drifts of mental notes and things we feel we need to do, would like to do or should do- and soon we feel buried in guilt, frustration, and disconnectedness. Feeding the spiritual part of our self allows us to cleanse all the big mental piles within our psychology and gives us the momentum to move forward with your dreams and desires.

How we choose to feed this sacred self can be different for everyone. For some it may be prayer, spending time in nature, meditation, even exercise. It is up to us to take hold of the opportunity we have as spiritual, physical beings and utilize this life with all the gifts we have been given. Our gifts are our way of helping end suffering in this world. And out of all the contributions we could give to the world, why not take hold of your power and gifts and use that momentum to give yourself completely to that sacred part of your being. Don’t let the mind fool you. We are all connected beyond the meaning we place on one another, and even if we don’t completely understand it- by trusting in the inner knowing of your sacred self- you will be able to honor and respect not only your own gifts, but the gifts of everyone around us.

The Passing of Time…

Acceptance, Change

The Passing of Time…
By: Jessica Burnham

Autumn. While witnessing the change that is taking place in nature at this moment, I find myself dwelling on how we as human beings handle the same type of change that whisks us into new places constantly while we grow. As we age, and life seems to continuously change just like the multitude of colorful leaves outside our window, we may begin to feel like everything is passing us by unnoticed. Sometimes there is this need to just slow down a little but the rest of the world continues on its merry way regardless of how we feel about it. Whatever our needs may be, there is a delicate balance within that can easily be crossed when the desire to control our environment outweighs the reality of what simply is. I have noticed with my grandmother that she often feels ignored and left behind as those and what she knows begin to die around her. As a result of feeling like her life is out of control, her negative tendancies that always existed before in her younger days seem to be amplified.

Her feelings of being left behind give way to depression and a constant need to talk about her pains, whether emotional or physical. Some people label it as complaining. The thing is, these behavioral tendencies were always there in the past, they just were not as prevalent as they are in the present moment, now that she has aged and is in a different phase of growth on all levels. The most difficult part of witnessing the amplification of these behaviors is seeing the self induced pain, the giving away of energy and how much suffering is occurring right before our open hearts.

We are left exhausted when we allow our darkest shadows to run the show 24 hours a day. We begin to find ourselves in this downward spiral of feeding our own psychic vampire. Like an invisible friend that is attached to the hip, we unknowingly allow its need to control the world in its way to get out of hand. I feel one of the greatest things I am currently learning is that I need to be on constant guard for my own little tendencies that need to be in control. In witnessing this suffering, I realize that if I do not choose to take a look at my own compulsive behaviors, they too will run my world when I am older and feeling the effects of aging. We have a unique opportunity called life. And in this opportunity we can reflect, even when the pain can be unbearable, on how we act out our need to control the world around us.

Finding compassion within the maze of our darkness can be quite challenging. Especially when someone is constantly projecting their need to control their environment onto you and pointing out everything that they view as wrong with the world (because it is not the way they want it to be). When I start to feel frustrated or irritated it is easy to react or simply walk away. But when I choose to open my heart and see how much suffering this person is experiencing, and how this suffering is like a big cloud of smoke skewing any ability to see beyond it, I try to find the compassion within and offer it up to them. It is important to remember that the behaviors I see before me that seem crazy or fervently overblown could be my own one day. Every potential that exists in others, also exists in us. Somewhere inside of me, the same misery has roots- only I am good at hiding or ignoring it at the moment. But the more life changes around me, I have the same tendency to play out the game of misery I am witnessing in an effort to control my environment.

The similarity between the word ‘ignore’ and ‘ignorance’ is striking. As most of us might have experienced, ignorance plays a large role in our suffering. Most of our ignorance is connected to our unwavering ability to ignore the truth. We play a game of contradiction within ourselves. And soon that contradiction shows up in our relationships. When we choose to take a magnifying glass to our psyche and reflect on our outer irritants, we give ourselves the opportunity to experience peace. We can look at those that have aged, like my grandmother, and learn from the wisdom of their experience. In this way, their suffering has come to us like a story teller. It says to us, “I am here to help you grow.” And, most importantly, the suffering of those when closely examined, does not go wasted and without purpose. Our gifts are many and all it takes is an open mind and heart to utilize this life and others’ lives, to the fullest. So I give thanks to my grandmother and all those around me for teaching me and showing me the potential that exists within my inner cosmos. And I will honor her by choosing to see where I allow stubbornness to take away from my fullest potential to simply be without the attachment that weighs me down.

The Great Escape

Awareness, Self Perception, self-help, transformation

The Great Escape
By: Jessica Burnham

Recently I was reading a book and the narrator was discussing an experience in Tibet. On her journey, she came to the realization that she was no longer able to escape herself. I though it was a profound way to explain how our world is full of great escapes from the deluded part of our spirit. It came right at a point when I had an experience of feeling trapped within myself. Only it manifested in an argument I had with my significant other.

“I’m so sick of myself!”

In the argument, I found myself feeling scared. I was being told by this mirror before me that I had been grumpy and unevenly tempered over the last weeks. Only I was confused, because I didn’t understand what he was talking about- OF COURSE. As I experienced this, I immediately felt trapped and confused. I was trapped in my delusion, sick of being around a mind that had been heavily processing emotional garbage for my coaching program. “What was I to do?”

There is a great scene in the comedy, The Forty Year Old Virgin, where the main character gets drunk and starts complaining about relationships. The character continues a dialogue regarding his perception of relationships. He says, one person is complaining and the other only hears, “Blah, blah, blah”, and then the other person is saying the same exact thing, “I don’t understand what you’re saying”, and all they hear is “Blah, blah, blah”. This struck me as a comedic representation of our being trapped within our delusions and feeling sick of being there.

The feeling I had in my own relationship argument was like being in a strait jacket. It reminded me of one of my greatest fears as a child. My friends and I would play a game of laying on the edge of a carpet. We would then roll up the other into the carpet. I felt frightened as I was rolled up. I couldn’t move and I was at the mercy of the other. I had to trust that they would unroll me, and not step on my chest, crushing my lungs and causing the inability to breathe.

How many of us have felt this within our own circles? Where we experienced another, so it seems, telling us something that was painful to hear. And we felt that sensation again- of being rolled up in the carpet with nowhere to go. Then, having to trust in our openness, that we would not be suffocated by these words, as the mind would tell us through fear and emotional chaos- “You are going to be destroyed.”

Entering this ‘risky’ territory is like walking into a room with uneven footing in the darkness. As we take a new step, we have no idea where that foot will land. But once we face this unknown darkness, and open ourselves up to the possibility of our intimate relationship with it with acceptance, the fear dissolves. The key is to trust that this outcome can exist, and that you deserve it.

There is no real escape from the darkness of the self and its deluded positions. Freedom comes with this realization. No matter what we do, or how hard we look, the only thing you will ever see over and over again is what you run away from and try to escape.

What do we use as escapes? What is the first thing we turn to when our greatest illusions come to the forefront of our awareness? Do we become victims? Do we turn to shopping, food, mind altering substances or illness? I’m sure we could all create a list of our very own, and perhaps we should.

But eventually, our “great escape” plan fails us, and sitting right in front of us is that which we began to run from. Resistance is probably one of our greatest manifestations. What kind of life could we have if we took all the energy we put into resistance, and channeled it into loving and appreciating the wholeness of our beings?

What does the word wholeness mean to you? Does it include your darkness? What would be given to us through the acceptance of our darkness? I feel our darkness is a living part of us and this world. It lives within us. It is feared, escaped and loathed. Our darkness needs the opposite- acceptance, compassion, forgiveness and love. Only then will our awareness increase to recognize the greatest gift in our soul- our oneness, or our wholeness. Peace will emanate into our heart, and the hook of hate that we project from within onto another will dissolve. Just like a friend who is lonely and going through something traumatic, our own darkness is that friend within ourselves.

When we are in a safe place, with like minded individuals, all relating to a similar stage in growth, it becomes easier to not let go of our positions. When we are out there, really out there, being challenged every day in our jobs, the grocery store, traffic- this is when the darkness can really show itself. You are constantly receiving messages in random conversations or happenings. If we can be open to the teachings within these experiences we enable our life to be one big teaching, reflecting every aspect of the divine like a miracle. This is the brilliance behind being alive.

“I believe in you. I believe in me.”

We are never lost, we are always being led. And no matter the temporary delusion of escaping- your gift of life will continue for you to use, whether it is in this life or the next. Why not take advantage of this one, acknowledge this incredible gift. Acknowledge the work you are constantly doing for the world, as you bloom in your awareness by facing your wholeness- your darkness and your light. When darkness encapsulates the light that you see around another, turn to them and say, I believe in you. Do it by loving them unconditionally, seeing them for who they really are and who they are becoming. In the same moment, turn to your own heart with a belief in spirit’s grand capability. Feel the unconditional love that comes from your soul. Look at any resistance you may feel toward love.

My stubborn personality is called “Stubborn Suzie.” She comes out the most when I want to hold onto a position of being angry or sad about a situation. My friend could give me the biggest hug in the world, but no matter, I resist opening up to this love because I want to hold on to my emotional commitment to anger or sadness. I feel like a little girl when this happens. But the most important thing about this type of experience is that it is a gift. The resistance to open up to love is a sign that you are holding onto something, and the longer we try to escape this message, the longer it will ache and cause you emotional discomfort. When we surrender to the love of our spirit, our connection to the highest, a genuine release takes place. This is what we all deserve. Give that gift to yourself, and be ready to manifest your highest potential- whatever your dreams may be. Connect into your heart center and feel the joy and butterflies that charge when you know you’re on the brink of your created, highest destiny.

In the whole scheme of things, the only person that is really hurt by holding onto anger, is our self. We all know the old adage that when we project hurtfulness onto another, we are really hurting the projector. We are all one, and the more we shift within ourselves, the more others around us will shift, the more our perceptions will shift, and the more the Earth will shift into light.

Losing my Duality

Compassion, Death, Forgiveness, Grief, Karma

Knocking on Death’s Door
By: Jessica Burnham

Think not disdainfully on death, but look on it with favor, for even death is one of the things that nature wills. Marcus Aurelius Antonius, Meditations

The notion of death can be perceived in many ways. Kali the Hindu goddess is deemed the bearer of death and destruction. Many fear the idea of death and destruction that Kali embodies, without thinking about how important it is to our life. Without death and destruction our lives would not be a mirror for our evolution at all. We would remain without growth, enlightenment- and nothing would ever end. We would be living Bill Murray’s life as the eternal weather man in the film Groundhog Day, only it probably wouldn’t be quite that funny.

The great thing about Murray’s character in that film, is that he finally gets sick of trying to die and end everything without ever growing and seeing beyond his self centeredness- and realizes that he has this great opportunity to become something worth living for and for others. Would it not be amazing if we could look at our present life as the eternal Groundhog Day? That this life will continue on after our death, only in another form, and we would still experience the same old crap that we currently experience unless we decide to take hold of this amazing gift and use it for the highest good of all sentient beings?

Grace has given many of us experiences that show us how fleeting our current life is, and the wisdom to take heed. We can choose to use this life to its maximum capacity for our growth as evolving beings, and not only change the world in which we live in- but change the world others live in as well.

Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. Mahatma Gandhi
This quote by Mahatma Gandhi says it all. “Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” He certainly did, didn’t he? The thing is, we will live forever and if not in this life, or maybe in the next, we will all experience what we are meant to experience- the understanding that every moment is a moment of dying or ending. Only it is not the way our ego perceives dying. It is the end of something completed, only to give rLosing my Duality
By: Jessica Burnham

When we look at the world around us, it is sometimes difficult to see the silver lining when so much appears to be a dark tunnel with no end in sight. Just take a look at the news, and you will most likely feel immediately like you are sinking into a “pit of despair,” to use a phrase from the classic Princess Bride (I wish I could whisper it in that sinister voice!). Aside from all the sadness being presented in the media, we have our own world of suffering. It is almost like walking on a trampoline. As we try to move forward, we sink and lose our balance with each step. This walk requires a delicate balance, then someone else gets on and decides to jump really hard- throwing you up even further into the air- our world of ‘no control’. We get in our car, and hear something we don’t like- we don’t feel so warm and fuzzy anymore. We come into work and the entire computer system is down, everyone wants something immediately- and that sinking feeling begins to take over once again. Down the elevator we go!

I find one of my greatest challenges in life is that I am constantly trying to rationalize or understand the darkness I see around me. When I see that someone has murdered their family I can’t help but try to understand, why would a person wake up one day and choose to commit this heinous crime? Where does this desperation come from? Is it simply karma? Or is there something deeper, and so innate that it is impossible to truly understand?

What about the human being, who can look within their heart, and feel so much compassion for this darkness that they are capable of the deepest love even during a time of great despair? I think about the Amish community, who lost a number of children during a murderous crime committed against their most innocent while attending school. They came together in a statement and emphasized forgiveness, compassion- and invited the widow of the individual who decided to take these beautiful lives from this Earth into their homes to grieve.

Have you ever seen someone suffer to the point of exhaustion as an outsider? You say to yourself, “If they could only feel more compassion for their own suffering, and know how loved they are? How special they are?” Yet, how often do all of us look at our selves with disgust, anger, and shame? We are capable of feeling a greater compassion for others than we are for our own suffering and actions.

My whole life I have come to tears whenever I hear the song, Amazing Grace. The line in which the writer, the one who was able to express their pain and light simultaneously in such a remarkable song, talks about how they were lost, and then they were found. This individual encountered some of the most gruesome conditions committed against humanity during their life in the slave trade, and truly felt lost in darkness. But through grace, he was able to love so deeply and forgive himself, as well as others for their unconsciousness. It is amazing how our unconsciousness and the unconsciousness of others can bring us to our knees in surrender, and lead us to that light at the end of the tunnel of humanity’s darkness. The tears that I live when I hear that song are evidence of my own surrender to loving the deepest darkness within my self and others.

What freedom exists in love and compassion for our own self inflicted crimes? And how amazing is it that unconsciousness can bring so much freedom in the end of the deepest suffering? When I was in my first year of college, I was truly in one of the darkest places of my life. I looked at myself in the greatest form of judgment. I felt so abandoned, lost and scared. My world became complete chaos and I had to come to terms with truly being alone. I prayed with all the energy in the world for help and forgiveness- almost begging spirit for relief from my pain. One night, as I did this, on my knees in tears of agony, I felt my body fall. Only my body didn’t fall from anywhere. It was like I was lifted into the air, and all of my sadness and delusion had been lifted out of me. The deepest calm I had ever experienced up until that point in my life came over me, and I felt nothing but gratefulness and peace. I lay there in deep astonishment, and I clearly heard the words “You are forgiven”. Yes, I was always forgiven- but the words were spoken to me and given to me in a way I never knew had existed. These simple words brought me to peace. And they cleared the darkness that I could not see through- the darkness of self inflicted unforgiveness.

When we can give this gift of forgiveness and a love that is accepting of other’s shortcomings to our self and those around us, they too can feel the same thing that spirit gives to us so often. Our connection to spirit as spirit’s love is such a gift. It blossoms before us in the most mundane situations, in the darkest situations, and the happiest of experiences. It is so versatile, and lives everywhere. Our inability to see it at times of crisis brings us to an even greater experience of love when we do see it- the yin and the yang. It is like walking through a tall maze. Our view is obstructed, and we feel lost. The free, openness of the Earth is just above these self inflicted walls. And the only source that can ever remove those walls is you and your deep connection to the deepest love that you are.

Our unconsciousness is necessary for growth- for without it, we could never have compassion for those that are unconscious, deluded. We could never say- ‘Oh ya, I understand why they did that- I understand what they need.’ We can see when another is lost, because we have been lost. And we can love another when they are lost, just as we have learned to love ourselves through our own maze of delusions. A master, a bodhisattva, knows compassion because they have understood it in their own life. And they have transcended the need to choose and hold onto what love is not. This brings a great sense of appreciation for the darkness in our lives- it connects us to others and helps us see beyond the delusion of separation in the physical. Isn’t it ironic that the darkness we loathe within our core and within others is probably the greatest connector between us?

This is our path before us, as we navigate the illness of society and humanity. But as we go beyond the “I”, it will become easier and easier to see with eyes of compassion and grace. And we will remember when someone is lost before us, that we too were lost and then we were found through compassion, love and grace. se to the next step, phase, experience; yielding to us the present moment- a moment without attachment to anything in the past or future.

In my coaching work, we are taught to ask this question- what are you willing to risk or give up in order to accomplish your goal. I often think of this as- what are we willing to end? What pattern or addiction that we are attached to keeps us chained to our monkey mind’s demands- and does not provide opportunity for growth and evolution?

In Buddhism, they teach a lot about attachment. I was sitting on a plane returning home after visiting family for the holidays. I was reading a book about anger by Thubten Chodron, a Buddhist nun, and I looked over at my significant other wanting affection. I gave him affection- hoping for some in return and it was not granted. I felt bad inside, but didn’t say anything. Then I looked at my book and began reading again. I immediately came to a paragraph about attachment to relationships, and how they feed an expectation for affection. I laughed inside at how amazing the universe delivers these little tidbits when we need them most.

I chose to look inside myself and say- it is time for me to give up this attachment to this personal relationship, and all others. I can love without attaching my expectations and desires to this person. I made the choice for this addiction to end. And hopefully it will not carry over into the next life, if I can continue with my dedication to let go of my mind’s attachment. It is our attachment that makes death appear so daunting. If we were not attached to anything around us, then the idea of death would seem very simple- wouldn’t it? The fear of destruction would end- because change would be okay.

Think about it- this psychology- the fear of ending the fear of something ending. I know that sounds confusing at first- but it is a reality. How many of us really are afraid of ending the attachment to what fear does for us? What does your fear do for you? How does it give you the opportunity to hold onto things that you’ve outgrown? It is like having a co-dependant relationship with your inner demon. This co-dependant relationship is what creates our perceptual hell. Many people are afraid of death, because they don’t know what will happen after they die. But the truth is, we never know what will happen from moment to moment. All we can do is continue our evolution by letting go of our attachment to the fear of the unknown, what some people call death or destruction.