All posts by Born to Be

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About Born to Be

What's it about? Developing perceptions that can serve a greater purpose with big love. Jessica Nojek is a writer, teacher and life coach trained by successful author and teacher Debbie Ford. Her writing, coaching and artwork are about providing support and encouragement to live a life empowered by reflection on personal self perceptions and perceptions of the world around us. Her writing is intertwined with pop culture moments including music and film that serve as communication tools to demonstrate it's OK to laugh a little at ourselves. Her series, "Owning Your Uncool" features artists telling a piece of their story that inspires us to remember we are not alone in our own personal struggles, and we all feel a little "uncool" sometimes.

LESSONS LEARNED FROM POP CULTURE

Buddhism, Compassion, Ego, Emptiness, Perception, , , ,

Ok- as part of my work as a writer, I find myself always dishing about movies and how they provoked my mind and heart to open just a little wider.  I love movies, what can I say?  And no matter what I’m dealing with while I navigate my mental and soul-driven landscape, watching a movie is like opening a book up to a random page that will teach me something relevant to what I am learning in that present moment.  Since perception is largely guided by the ego-driven mind, perceptions and points of view are constantly changing and impermanent.  I can watch a movie now, and years later watch it again with a whole different interpretation and feeling around it.

Every experience that we have in life is a tool for personal growth if you choose to look at it that way- even pop culture!  I know you’re asking, really?  And I’m saying, “ABSOLUTELY!” I might be the only person in the world that watched Bridget Jones Diary after every break-up (I know that is ridiculous and completely untrue) and cried when she cried after her run-in with the American stick figure in her man’s bathroom, but I guess I’m choosing to “out” myself here.

Nonetheless, I was watching Babel for the first time because I secretly knew for years that the film would completely put me into a spiraling depression, but there I was on a Saturday night ready to rock and roll.  As I watched the film, I felt my anxiety rising like the speed of a rocket bound for a crash and burn.  Every situation continued to get worse, and I found myself thinking- how could it get any worse, and yet- it did, again and again and again!

The most difficult part of that film for me was watching people suffer and make choices that you knew would cause even more suffering.  In being a deeply empathic person, films like Babel should come with a warning sticker for me.  Like those fluorescent green “Mr. Yuck” stickers my Mom used to put on everything in the kitchen sink.  Racism, emotional isolation- all mental torture.  So of course, I had to do some reflection while I watched.  In Buddhism, emptiness teaches at its core that there is no separate self.  The ego-driven mind will do everything it can to prove to you that there is and it is easy to buy into it because it is a mental habit that we have relied on for thousands of years.  Babel was painful for me because it demonstrated the constant battle we carry around with us between the ego-driven mind and our higher mind- the part that is simply, patiently waiting for us to pay attention and “get it.”

I found myself practically yelling at the screen, which is probably the way I would be yelling at myself if I could watch my life like a film.  Every choice we make affects another, whether we are conscious of it or not, because we are not separate beings.  We are interconnected in our deepest essence- whether you want to call it a soul, or our nature.  The “out” we have in all of our suffering in watching others suffer is the path of compassion and the choice to not live in ignorance.  The more awareness we choose to gain and develop, the less we live in ignorance, the more compassion we can cultivate, and the more we help the world.  It all starts with a redevelopment of our self perception, and choosing to remember our true nature- which is empty of meaning, empty of a separate self.  Thank god that movie is over!

AN INTRODUCTION

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Since this is my first official “blog” post, I wanted to take a minute to introduce myself and the nature of my writing. Hopefully, my writing will lead you on its own into my world as a teacher and intuitive life coach, but a little explanation may be warranted!

My name is Jessica, and I am an intuitive life coach trained in Jungian psychology by teacher and writer Debbie Ford. A long time ago I was dabbling in a lot of different spiritual work in an effort to expand and shed a little light on my darkness. On my journey I met a dear friend and life coach, Jana Fleming, at a conference in Washington DC. Jana used to send out newsletters and was in the process of becoming an integrative coach through Debbie Ford’s program. I would read them, enjoy them and carry on. Then, I moved to Santa Fe, New Mexico. One day I was enjoying breakfast and I saw Jana- we instantly recognized one another, and she helped open a new road for me and my work. I had just moved there from Virginia, and she had just moved there from Florida!

Through the experience of my own suffering and the development of compassion for others’ suffering, I have always asked the universe to use me as a tool to help others end their suffering- to understand it, and find a way to bring healing into their own reality. In doing so, I have been deeply involved in my own journey of healing, in an effort to help others. My journey has included deep shadow work (owning the darkest caverns of my psyche), meditation, Mahayana Buddhism and writing. Carl Jung has been a great teacher to me, along with a myriad of others.

As I became a coach, I also began to study Mahayana Buddhism as well as the teachings on Emptiness. Emptiness transformed my life, and thus my book developed. I have completed my book, titled “My Great Perception Divide”, and this book is the beginning of my focus in working with people to develop a deeper understanding of their suffering. My book in itself is partly a summary of my own “story.” My story is linked to the development of my own understanding of how I have given my power away to perception and point of view. In the book, my story is intertwined with the stories of a variety of diverse teachers as well as teachings that have come my way from Buddhism, the Course in Miracles- even Walt Whitman.

This blog is a continuation of my book which is in the process of publication. My intention is to provide readers with fun, thought provoking posts that will empower readers to reflect on their well being and how they interact with the world from their ego-driven mind and their spiritual nature. I would like to encourage readers to please send me questions regarding what comes up for them, so I may have a chance to also answer and give more insight on how I work as an intuitive coach and author in assisting others on their healing process.

My Inner Charlie Brown

Change, Life, Life Coach, Perception, Psychology, Reflection, Self Perception, self-help, transformation

My Inner Charlie Brown
By: Jessica Burnham

How many of you grew up watching the famous holiday cartoon- Charlie Brown’s Christmas? Or, reading the loveable character’s foibles in the comic page of your newspaper? Charlie Brown always felt depressed- and usually his depression came from his commonly chattered statement “I can’t do anything right!” Just recently as I trudged through my own inner turmoil regarding my life’s ups and downs, I heard myself saying just that. Tears streaming down my eyes, fear and frustration curling over me like a heavy blanket, I roiled “I can’t do anything right!”

I took a deep breath as I observed myself engaged in this belief system. I realized that I had to embrace this part of me, my inner Charlie Brown. And the tears came tumbling down at light speed! What can I say? In the daily work we all engage in called life, we have this perception of ourselves. We know we are working hard and trying to deliver what we envision as our greatest self- so why is it that when something doesn’t go as we expect it to go, it is so easy to spontaneously combust over our self judgments? It is so easy to attach to what someone says about us and then to take the flag running into our self inflicted fire.

I have probably watched Charlie Brown fall apart over his disappointing Christmas tree a couple hundred times. Yet every time I watch it I feel great compassion for his character. How many times does Charlie have to stumble upon his belief that he can’t do anything right? How many times do I need to stumble over this same belief system about myself? I sometimes find myself wishing (foolishly!) that I also had an inner tape recorder that released a statement to my mind like a red alert every time I start to go into this story- “Jessica, please take a look at yourself- do you really believe you can’t do anything right?” And the answer would be “YES” from my mind’s point of view. But it is just that, a point of view. And just like all points of view, they can easily be adjusted to create a journey that is more empowering and in line with what you ultimately deserve in this life.

I have full confidence that since I have chosen to accept the part of me that truly believes and lives this belief system every day, “I can’t do anything right,” I will be able to choose something that aligns with my heart. I have lived this work deeply over the past two years, so I know I can trust this process. I now have the choice to feel compassion for the Charlie Brown that lives within me instead of judging him like Lucy or any other of his harsh critics. Life is difficult enough as it is, juggling everyone else’s belief systems and projections. How much easier could my life be if I opened up to what is available from the universe that sees me for who I truly am? Rather than always seeing myself through filters and lenses that are attached to points of view?

Nietzsche has been quoted as saying “There are no facts only interpretations.” Interpretations, opinions, points of view- are they not all the same? My dear friend’s grandfather taught her growing up that one of the most important ways of being in life was silence, to not open your mouth. This is something I look at with the deepest awe. To not respond with an opinion, an interpretation about our behavior, as well as others, gives us the space we need to experience the emotions of being human without sacrificing the truth of who we are. And the truth of who we are is not an interpretation or a limit- it just simply is- bound by nothing, open to the possibilities of the universe.

The Weight of Attachment

Attachment, Change, Life Coach, self-help

The Weight of Attachment
By: Jessica Burnham

Every time I go to the ocean, I feel this strong attachment and melancholy when I leave. It is almost as if I am leaving a part of myself behind, and I know it deep within my soul. There is a part of me that wishes I could control it and not have that feeling. Emotionally, it is an aching feeling. As the sun sets, I will sometimes remember singing Taps in the girl scouts- Day is done, Gone the sun, From the hills the lakes to the sky- all is well, safely rest- God is nigh. And with it I tune into the rhythm of the land. My heart goes into another way of being and with that brings a feeling of change.

Change is one of those things that either opens us up to new possibilities or gives rise to a shut down within like a top spinning out of control. When change comes upon us, we have a choice. We are being led to a cross roads where the universe is giving us an opportunity to grow and feel out what it means psychologically, emotionally and spiritually. No one’s cross roads is any more life shattering than the next- it is all a matter of perspective and openness. Have you ever watched a child try to control a top’s direction as it spins and whirls across the floor? The outcome is usually a crash and burn situation. What does that mean?

When we try to control a situation rather than allow it to simply deliver what it is there to deliver- we usually make it very negative. I was watching a father and his son at the beach, and the young boy was attempting to go into the ocean with his father to body surf on his boogie board for the first time. Every time the father got the boy to a certain part of the waves, he would turn and run away back to the beach laughing and yelling “No!” His father was getting frustrated and kept trying to persuade him to come back into the surf. Finally the father just gave up and went on to do his own thing, while the boy continued to play on the shore. The boy was not ready to take that risk yet of going further out into the waves. But as adults, we sometimes do the same thing regarding certain levels of emotional engagement, or with our career.

An opportunity comes up, and there is someone like this father persuading us to come out and test the waters. But we half attempt it and then decide to turn around and run back to the shore. Our free will gives us the opportunity to either choose growth or run away from it. The uncomfortable feelings that come with stepping out of our comfort zone into change usually pass. We just need to be with those feelings- engage and experience them without resistance. The more we flow with the way life delivers us these opportunities for growth, the less anxiety we will feel as we step into the ocean of waves around us.

Resistance is the road block to growth. And growth is essentially the purpose of our life. Yet we engage in resistance over and over again. What does it feel like when we resist? We usually feel stress within our body, indecision can mask as resistance- instead of making a choice we pretend we really don’t know what we want or what our intuition is telling us. What other red flags are there? Anger, resentment, a feeling like the world is passing us by and we’re not getting a piece of the pie- all of these feelings are important for us to pay attention to. They are there for a reason and it is up to us to determine what that reason is. This requires deep honesty with yourself. If you can’t be honest with yourself in regards to what your feelings mean then you will always feel a sense of anxiety and nothing will take it away. The mind will tell us that our temporary fixes will diminish this stress- but we all know that the relief lasts a very short period of time and eventually a bomb will go off inside of us.

Life yields so many gifts. Yet we tend to see what we are ‘missing out on’ more than opening up to what we are experiencing and being given in the present moment. As I left the beach today- I did feel a deep sense of sadness within myself. But I also knew, through grace and awareness, that it would dissolve rather quickly the less power I gave to that feeling. Rather than make it mean something, I just chose to experience it for what it was. And you know what? It did pass rather quickly. Without attachment and expectations- we get through the times that feel like weights are attached to our heart. Letting that heaviness go can be life changing. Sharing this with you, every month, is life changing for me. I thank you for sharing in this journey with me, and I hope that the next time you feel that weight of change- it becomes a little lighter because the attachment is not weighing you down.

Because I’m a Pisces!

Change, Life, Life Coach, Psychology, self-help, transformation

Because I’m a Pisces!
By: Jessica Burnham

Recently, I was helping my step daughter in her ballet lessons from home. With her competitive nature, comes the desire to always find a way to blame her teacher for bringing her down whenever the going gets tough. I noticed this occur when she first took karate, and now, even with the sport she loves the most, she still does it. In her frustration with a teacher who told her she had not been paying attention, I asked her this question- why aren’t you paying attention? You would think I had just set off a bomb within her mind. Her response was lots of tears and an excuse that I loved- “but I’m a Pisces!”

I was so surprised by her responses! But why should I be surprised? Children are amazing mirrors for us, and they innocently show us the workings of the mind without so much internal manipulation as an adult. Adults are more masterful at hiding their shame and making excuses for themselves. So here was a child already learning different ways to avoid responsibility for not paying attention by actually blaming her inability to pay attention on an astrological tendency.

What?

It brought much laughter to me later. This laughter existing, because we all do it, just in different ways. All of us make up excuses for ourselves in the most complex ways to avoid taking responsibility for our emotions, actions, lack of action, and beyond. Most of the time, we are unaware of it because we have become programmed machines doing it as an automatic response any time we feel discomfort or want to avoid something. How amazing would life be if we could see our selves from the outside perspective, like I could see my step daughter so clearly, and laugh at ourselves rather than allow our mind to hold onto its rationalizations for dear life in pure dramatic form?

Sometimes I think of that scene in the movie Meet the Parents, where Ben Stiller’s character is on the airplane near the end telling the flight attendant that the only way she is going to get his bag from him is if she can take it out of his kung fu grip. His reaction is like the pure manifestation of our mind’s kung fu grip to old belief systems and judgments. How do we obtain the openness and flexibility to be able to confront such a grip on reality? What kind of structures can we place in our life to assist us in seeing ourselves from the observer point of view when we start to go to that place of denial?

In my coaching work with the Ford Institute, one of the ways we do this with ourselves is to write down all of our typical excuses, rationalizations or justifications in advance so we identify what they are from a point of awareness. Once they’re out there, it shifts something and it makes it more difficult to give power to them when we know what we are doing on a whole different level. We recognize as the observer of the mind that this is something we really do; it is not just something someone is telling us they see. There is power in observing from our own awareness. When others tell us what they see, the mind usually reacts discordantly. There may be more resistance, more stress.

From the Buddhist perspective, we have slowly become addicted to the mind’s power and the wheel of karma. There is so much suffering, yet we still engage in the same behaviors that cause us suffering without regard to the deeper consequences- the karmic ones. Reincarnating countless times, until finally our awareness evolves to a level deep enough that we just touch on the surface of enlightenment. Yet our laziness and resignation to the mind’s way of constantly dragging us into the past, into our worries of about the future, and its need to be right pops us in and out what we truly are like a contestant in a pinball game. The lights go on, the noise distracts us, and we give away our power to move in a certain trajectory to wounds that never heal.

Taking the step to acknowledge our weaknesses and make the commitment to become more aware of them is the beginning of liberation. Once we start to question the mind’s addictions and its constant wasting of energy, we start to bring the power back in and see how choice can enliven the soul. The choice to say- I’m not going to react in autopilot today. Let the liberation begin! Namaste.

The Sacred Bridge

Ego, Joy, Perception, Self Perception

The Sacred Bridge
By: Jessica Burnham

Philosopher Hegel- upon dying of cholera said, “Only one man ever understood me … and he didn’t understand me.”

I’ve talked a lot in the past about perception, and how it divides us. The meaning we attach to what others say to us is a big part of this perceptional divide. In the beginning quote, the philosopher Hegel said: Only one man ever understood me…and he didn’t understand me. How often do we sit in a conversation, only to be led into some argument or debate because our interpretation of what the other said is contained in this jar of our experiences? When someone says something to us, how can we really understand them, and recognize that not everything they are saying has anything to do with us?

Sometimes people hurl criticism at us, yes, but then again- what does their criticism say about them, rather than us? Training the mind is a difficult task. It is programmed with so many experiences, not only from this life, that sometimes we can feel hopeless. We look at this daunting experience we call life, and all its suffering, and wonder- is it really possible to not attach meaning onto what they are saying, and just listen?

There is always the roping in of our ego. When we inevitably get sucked into the perception of someone else, and want to defend something. But what are we really defending? When all a perception truly is, is the sum of someone’s experiences, then how can you argue it? Is there any point? Or, perhaps we could make it our worthwhile, to look at the root cause of our mind’s disturbance. Why is our mind being disturbed by what someone else is saying? There must be a part of us that is resisting something. But, what is it resisting?

The mind is a fragile thing. It can be broken. And usually that encompasses suffering and all the other feelings we don’t want to be with. I am finding that the hardest thing I have to be with is hopelessness. It is a feeling I deeply resist. Of course, I resist it so much I do not wish to be around it in others at all. I judge their hopelessness. But, now that I can acknowledge that I am judging it, and that I can’t be with it- I can now look into my heart and see where the root of this rejection comes from and have a choice to be with it in the future. Rather than feeling controlled by the hopelessness.

So, this brings us back to how our perception divides us when we attach meaning to someone else’s perception. Whenever we feel antagonized by another perception, we are engaging in separation. Another’s world has no power over us, except the power we give it. It simply is. It becomes more than “is” when we define it by the sum of our experiences. People talk about agendas. They don’t trust those around them because they fear that they have an agenda. I do it all the time with my partner. But it is not always the case, it is my simple defensiveness and perception that get in the way of that intimacy with another.

The freedom lies in the understanding. When we come to an understanding of how self cherishing we really are in our listening to others, then we can begin to dissolve into another’s words, and simply view them without attachment. We can really love and open our hearts up to one another. We can live with all our internal stuff, yet know that it is simply our stuff- and not engage in projection. Projection is like a black hole. We get sucked into nothingness. And we waste our time creating more seeds of attachment within rather than good merit for ourselves. When we really listen to another, and ask when someone says a word we feel provoked by- ‘how do you define that for you,’ we can see how different everyone’s perceptions really are and allow the other to feel what they need to feel or experience without our experience getting in the way.

I truly feel that how we listen to another person is the sacred bridge out of our perceived separation. And in my hopefulness, rather than hopelessness, I engage with you now in this present moment with the words of the bodhisattva, Avalokitesvara, from the Lotus Sutra, Fourth Precept of Deep Listening and Loving Speech: “Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech, and the inability to listen to others, I vow to cultivate loving speech and deep listening in order to bring joy and happiness to others and relieve others of their suffering.”