Tag Archives: Ego

GOOD BOUNDARIES, HEALTHY EMPATHY

Attachment, Boundaries, Buddhism, Co-dependent, Compassion, Ego, Emptiness, Forgiveness, Perception, Power, Psychology, Self Perception, , , , , , , , ,

BOUNDARIES– what does this word really mean?  I once heard a speaker at a spiritual conference refer to boundaries as a joke.  I remember hearing this person scoff at the word and laugh in front of hundreds of people while she issued her commentary on lifestyle magazines and their “silly” articles.  I remember immediately thinking- really?  I actually was quite surprised and felt sad that there were so many vulnerable people around me learning that “boundaries” in a spiritual context were something dreamed up by the mind and trying to maintain them was ignorance.

It bothered me because I was someone that had very poor boundaries growing up, and was still someone struggling to understand what they really meant in my relationships- particularly with my boyfriend (and past boyfriends).  That conference was years ago, and I am still learning- but fortunately, years later- I have really owned up to my lack of boundaries and my former lack of awareness.

When I first started hearing about this word “boundaries”, I remember feeling like it was a word from an alien language.  I eventually learned that as a very sensitive person that learned to be the balancer in my group of siblings, I had a real problem blurring the lines between my feelings and someone else’s, leading to a deep lack of understanding that other people are capable of taking care of themselves and I am not responsible for how other people handle their consequences and reactions.  I lived a life of co-dependent relationships, lacking the ability to provide any accountability for behavior that was not in line with my definition of integrity.  I constantly compromised myself by being in relationships with people that also had bad boundaries and would do things that didn’t feel “right” to me.

It is easy to take the nihilistic point of view here and interpret the understanding of emptiness in a way that can be extremely dysfunctional.  Things do exist in the way that we see them from our point of view- but that is our reality and it does not mean that our point of view is any less skewed than another person’s because if we are living in an ego-driven reality then we are all delusional.  But it is also important for extremely empathic, compassionate people to understand that we are not responsible for another person’s choices and all we can do is stand in our own integrity and simply love by loving the Buddha nature of that person.

When we hold someone in that space, we are doing more than we realize, and we don’t always have to do anything else.  When we correct our mind, we help others correct their mind as well.  If we choose to not engage in another person’s drama and allow them to experience their karma through their gift of free will, yet love them by healing our inner-divide, we are doing them a greater service than trying to be involved in a relationship with them that is based on you being accountable for their state of mind.  For me this was revolutionary, and for the first time in my life I had real clarity when I was able to say in my heart that this person before me was capable of being responsible for their reactions, not me.

One morning in my journey to work I heard a clip on the radio from the interview with Rihanna and Oprah.  In the interview Rihanna was talking about how all she really cared about was that her abuser was happy in his life, and that was what mattered the most to her.  As I listened I realized how co-dependent this person still was, and it made me feel deep compassion for her.  I also felt sad that this was not brought up by Oprah in the interview because it seemed so clear to me.  She was still living out the same pattern with this person- and she was still feeling accountable for how this person felt- whether it was happiness or sadness.  This is the reason many people stay with abusers- another blurry line.

That speaker I heard years ago can mock me too if she would like to, or compare me to a silly lifestyle magazine.  But I feel it is extremely important in my work as a life coach and teacher to remember that there is a gradual process in understanding how our ego-driven mind can block us in understanding what the Buddha nature is within ourselves and how we share it with one another as spiritual beings innately connected with one another.  Until we can heal that which is broken within us emotionally, we are blind to our oneness.

It begins with recognizing the Buddha nature within our hearts and having compassion for our own suffering, then others.  And compassion is not about giving your power and energy away in an effort to ease someone’s suffering.  It is about seeing someone’s suffering and understanding that it is your suffering as well.  It involves seeing that we in our ignorant mind may not understand fully the dynamics of a karmic situation, but we can end dysfunction through the free will and choice that we have, and choose to live our life in a healthy way free of dysfunctional self perception.  This leads to forgiveness and no attachment, and without attachment we are able to see our true nature, our Buddha nature.

PERCEPTION’S LIMITS

Carl Jung, Creativity, Ego, Perception, Power, Self Perception, , , ,

“We are not self-made. We are dependent on one another. Admitting this to ourselves isn’t an embrace of mediocrity and derivativeness, it’s a liberation from our misconceptions.” (Kirby Ferguson)

From TED, Ideas Worth Sharing

So, I recently found myself feeling really frustrated over the lawsuit victory by Apple over Samsung and their patent violation with some of their phone technology.  As a life coach, whenever I feel provoked by something, I find it important to reflect on the attachment that is being manifested by my attitude.  One thing I would like to out myself about has to do with Apple- basically, I’m not their biggest fan.  I’m now waiting for the world to implode!

Primarily, I feel like they’ve snowed the public by trying to play the card of the “indie” industrial designer and by toting an image of a company that is not like Microsoft and one that fosters creativity with more diverse applications.  What upset me about the Samsung lawsuit is how it displayed the truth behind much of their success, and as far as I’m concerned, the company contains all the characteristics that they deny in their advertising.  They are a perfect example of a shadow, as termed by Carl Jung, playing out and most people choose not to see this part of their image.

As I was discussing this with my brother recently, he brought to my attention a lecture that was on TED Talks, the internet lecture sensation on “Ideas Worth Sharing.”  The lecture was by Kirby Ferguson, and was titled “Embrace the Remix.”  Mr. Ferguson’s lecture was well thought out and very convincing.  In the lecture he attempts to demonstrate that our creativity as human beings (and a collective consciousness, as far as I would interpret), is dependent on one another.  That creativity is fostered through sharing and learning from one another.  He uses music as an example, particularly Bob Dylan, and traditional folk music, where many tunes were reused with different words, and that the artists had no problem with it.  This reuse was a part of the spirit of sharing and it was done with respect.

The quote at the top of this post was a part of the lecture.  As I contemplated this quote, I found myself also feeling liberated.  How exciting it was for me to hear someone articulate in such a perfect way, exactly how I feel inside.  He beautifully portrayed something that directly relates to my own experience with perception and how it is used as a tool by the ego-driven mind to perpetuate the idea that there is a “separate self.”

“We are not self-made.”

“We are dependent on one another.”

This is true!  In my heart, I feel this to be more real and visceral than any Apple marketing philosophy.  Another point to be made by Mr. Ferguson was this- Steve Jobs, before Apple became the beast that it is, said in an interview in 2006,

“Picasso had a saying, he said ‘good artists copy, great artists steal.’  And, we have always been shameless about stealing great ideas.”

Then, years later after the beast blossomed and he was famous, Jobs said this,

“I’m going to destroy Android because it is a stolen product.  I’m willing to go thermonuclear war on this.”

Do you see the contrast?

It is so interesting how the ego-driven mind loves to change its perceptions based on its need to manipulate its environment so others see it the way it wants to be perceived itself.  Perceptions are nothing but different colored crayons that can be used to color a picture for everyone to see.  It is up to us to see how fragile and weak that picture really is, and choose to see one another for what we really are- tools for enlightenment, mirrors, extensions of our perceived self and a gift.  I know in the business world there are criminals out there- I get it.  But when is enough, enough?  When is there a limit to how much we can control and stifle others’ creativity in the name of self-service?

We all operate out of a collective consciousness and we are remixes of one another.  To patent my imagination makes no sense.  We all connect to a pool of creativity that is shared, and it is inspired and grows by witnessing and learning from other’s creativity.  There is no “separate self” the way we think there is, and our world has a much greater potential than we can even imagine- it is up to us as a community to allow this great potential to thrive and benefit all.

And now, I need to ask myself, “How do I stifle my creativity?”

Personal growth- it never ends!

LESSONS LEARNED FROM POP CULTURE

Buddhism, Compassion, Ego, Emptiness, Perception, , , ,

Ok- as part of my work as a writer, I find myself always dishing about movies and how they provoked my mind and heart to open just a little wider.  I love movies, what can I say?  And no matter what I’m dealing with while I navigate my mental and soul-driven landscape, watching a movie is like opening a book up to a random page that will teach me something relevant to what I am learning in that present moment.  Since perception is largely guided by the ego-driven mind, perceptions and points of view are constantly changing and impermanent.  I can watch a movie now, and years later watch it again with a whole different interpretation and feeling around it.

Every experience that we have in life is a tool for personal growth if you choose to look at it that way- even pop culture!  I know you’re asking, really?  And I’m saying, “ABSOLUTELY!” I might be the only person in the world that watched Bridget Jones Diary after every break-up (I know that is ridiculous and completely untrue) and cried when she cried after her run-in with the American stick figure in her man’s bathroom, but I guess I’m choosing to “out” myself here.

Nonetheless, I was watching Babel for the first time because I secretly knew for years that the film would completely put me into a spiraling depression, but there I was on a Saturday night ready to rock and roll.  As I watched the film, I felt my anxiety rising like the speed of a rocket bound for a crash and burn.  Every situation continued to get worse, and I found myself thinking- how could it get any worse, and yet- it did, again and again and again!

The most difficult part of that film for me was watching people suffer and make choices that you knew would cause even more suffering.  In being a deeply empathic person, films like Babel should come with a warning sticker for me.  Like those fluorescent green “Mr. Yuck” stickers my Mom used to put on everything in the kitchen sink.  Racism, emotional isolation- all mental torture.  So of course, I had to do some reflection while I watched.  In Buddhism, emptiness teaches at its core that there is no separate self.  The ego-driven mind will do everything it can to prove to you that there is and it is easy to buy into it because it is a mental habit that we have relied on for thousands of years.  Babel was painful for me because it demonstrated the constant battle we carry around with us between the ego-driven mind and our higher mind- the part that is simply, patiently waiting for us to pay attention and “get it.”

I found myself practically yelling at the screen, which is probably the way I would be yelling at myself if I could watch my life like a film.  Every choice we make affects another, whether we are conscious of it or not, because we are not separate beings.  We are interconnected in our deepest essence- whether you want to call it a soul, or our nature.  The “out” we have in all of our suffering in watching others suffer is the path of compassion and the choice to not live in ignorance.  The more awareness we choose to gain and develop, the less we live in ignorance, the more compassion we can cultivate, and the more we help the world.  It all starts with a redevelopment of our self perception, and choosing to remember our true nature- which is empty of meaning, empty of a separate self.  Thank god that movie is over!