Category Archives: Compassion

WHAT WOULD BUDDHA DO?

Buddhism, Carl Jung, Compassion, Ego, Emptiness, Life, Perception, Poetry, , , , , , , , ,

Interrelationship

You are me, and I am you.
Isn’t it obvious that we “inter-are”?
You cultivate the flower in yourself,
so that I will be beautiful.
I transform the garbage in myself,
so that you will not have to suffer.

I support you;
you support me.
I am in this world to offer you peace;
you are in this world to bring me joy

Thich Nhat Hanh

I grew up around DC.  A Northern Virginia suburb that gave me the opportunity to be a part of a lot of protests- whether I was in them or knew about them, they were always there affecting the world around us.  When I worked in the district, we had to close our office on the day of the World Bank protests.  Once, my roommate was on a bus returning to our apartment in Adams Morgan and it was actually attacked by World Bank protesters.  And no, we were not in a third world country, we were in Washington DC.  My office would dread this day- when the world’s “trustafarians” would embark on the nation’s capital and protest policies that most had no concrete reason to protest other than to exercise their right to the expression of aggression over things that usually had nothing to do with what they were actually protesting.  I’m not saying that there are not reasons to protest- because I know there are a lot of policies in this world that don’t make any sense, and affect many people extremely negatively.  There are also people that seem to get away with everything, leaving those deeply affected behind, having to find some way to survive in this delusional desire realm we live in, we trudge along in every day.  If you look at history, the truth reveals itself.  Sit ins created change, peaceful marches on Washington during the Civil Rights Movement created change.

When the Occupy Movement began, I remember feeling somewhat grateful that people were out there making a statement about something they were really concerned about.  There were intelligent people out there really trying to make their voices heard about social problems that they felt could not just be swept under the rug.  There was a community starting where people were aligning with one another, and they did not feel so alone in their frustrations.  As our world is truly rooted in the “mind”, change is constant and with that change comes cycles in our collective consciousness.  Eventually, things cycle out and it is important for us to move with that change.

This blog post is a piece outing myself about protests.  Many people have called me a closet hippie, and I admit that I work hard to cover it up- believe me!  In my heart, I find that most protests are futile in nature and the most effective way to make change is by “being the change we wish to see in the world” as Gandhi once said.  I truly mean this, and although it may seem not concrete enough for most people, if we allow ourselves to be used as tools for a higher consciousness, and not only work on our own issues, but go out there and do things that really help people and create new policies that will affect those ineffective policies, then we can give an opportunity to others to grow and transform, and be provided for when they feel there is nothing left instead of fighting with stubborn egos.

We can utilize every opportunity we have to be kind and in our integrity in this life, and  affect the world to a much larger degree than mass organized protests.  Negotiation is key here- we must look at who we are dealing with in every situation, and analyze the most effective way to strategically work with someone based on their character traits and what they believe in.

The law of cause and effect is extremely important here and our actions are rooted in this principle.  If we push forward in anger and self righteousness, then that anger and self righteousness will push back because there is no separate self.  In this pushing and pulling nothing becomes settled and people walk away with more issues than they walked into the room with.  I remember being in high school and watching a documentary on LBJ and the protests outside of the White House during the Vietnam War.  There was a camera shot of him standing in the window looking out while mass protests shouted at him, “Hey, Hey, LBJ, how many kids have you killed today?”  And what did LBJ do?  He raised a flag of stubbornness rather than surrender,  and he continued on with his policies.  That picture sits in my mind so clearly and I only feel compassion for everyone involved.

Whenever you feel angry about someone’s policies or behaviors that cause more suffering in this world for others, remember what it would be like to be that person.  Be conscious of how they are creating more suffering for themselves, and in the end, their ignorance is winning in this life.  We have the greatest gift of free will to choose behavior that is not rooted in ignorance.  In the poem above by Thich Nhat Hanh, he says:

You cultivate the flower in yourself,
so that I will be beautiful.
I transform the garbage in myself,
so that you will not have to suffer.

To embrace the love within you is enough to change the world, and there is no protest that would ever change my connection to you, and vice versa.  Every seed we plant within ourselves is also planted in others around us.  I am grateful every day for the opportunity and choice that I have to live in a compassionate way and connect with others the way I would like to be treated.  When I think about my own ignorant behavior in this life, the one thing that helped me more than anything else was compassion and the willingness of another person to teach me by example rather than confrontation.

What did Siddhartha do when he saw the poverty and suffering in his city after sneaking out from his shielded reality?  He did everything he could to find enlightenment within himself so he could help ameliorate the suffering of everyone, including the poor people- and he was a prince.  His teachings are still relevant today, thousands of years later.

REFLECTIONS OF THE SILENT WITNESS

Attachment, Compassion, Ego, Emptiness, Perception, Poetry, Psychology, Self Perception, , , , , ,

Trees & SunIn a moment
In the silence of it all, I raise my heart to you
Dear, loving friend, solitary confidant.
A breeze carries the sound of love’s trinkets
And in an instant it touches everything around me.
All encompassing, all embracing…
I do not know what I am
But to open my eyes
Only when I want to close them.
The knowing-
The completion of this single, silent moment.
And I am everything.
Alone, and alive- I hear the witness inside of me.

Filling the sky with blue, and yellow
And kindness.
If only the need to know
Understood what it was to be whole.
Without anything lost, or anything gained-
I am the silent witness,
Once again.

LESSONS LEARNED FROM POP CULTURE: HOLIDAY MADNESS – GOOD GRIEF!

Compassion, Course in Miracles, Ego, Forgiveness, Perception, Power, Self Perception, Stress, , , , , ,
EVER FEEL LIKE THIS?

Forgiveness recognizes what you thought your brother did to you has not occurred.

A Course in Miracles

As we begin the fast approach to the holidays, I have started to think about what causes the most anxiety for people when they think about hanging out with those family members that may drive them crazy.  Growing up we have many experiences that are interpreted by the child mind.  During our younger years it is difficult for us to understand other people’s behavior without making it mean something about us.  This is a large tenant of my coaching work.  It is the whole reason we develop shame from certain experiences and try to cover up our truth, limiting the joy we are able to experience when we grow older.

One way we move on from those experiences and put an end to our attachment to not only our judgment of ourselves, but also the judgment of others is through forgiveness and compassion, which in turn come from developing a new point of view (which can be very difficult).  A big tenant for me in the development of a new point of view has to do with the understanding that what someone does has nothing to do with our interpretation of it.  But the meaning we place on others’ actions contributes to our attachment and continued belief that there is a separate self.  All in all, it contributes to our suffering and prevents us from embracing not only our fullest potential, but seeing the fullest potential in the world around us.

It could play out like this- Charlie Brown is invited to be the director of the Christmas Pageant because he feels depressed due to the holidays by his antagonistic friend Lucy.  He embraces his role as director and is asked to get a big, shiny aluminum tree- maybe even painted pink!  When he is exploring the trees with his best friend Linus, he finds a little one that looks like it needs a little love (which is what Charlie Brown feels like too- projection, anyone?  anyone?)  Thus begins the plight of the “Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.”

When Charlie brings his tree back to the theater to show all his “friends”, everyone reacts badly to his choice- meaning, they react in a way that makes Charlie feel really sad inside.  Charlie takes his little tree and tries to decorate it on his own, give it a little love.  But in his attempt he concludes that maybe his tree really isn’t strong enough after all and abandons his little tree (projection again, anyone?).  When Charlie’s friends find the tree, they decide that the tree was not that bad after all, and they whip it up into shape with colorful lights, ornaments and Linus’s trusty blanket.

When Charlie Brown first felt rejected by his friends due to their reaction to his little tree, he had a choice to see that maybe their reaction was just about a tree and had nothing to do with him.  That their reaction was simply a reaction, but his vulnerability and feelings of holiday anxiety gave way to an interpretation based in fear.  In essence, nothing really occurred in that moment but the meaning he placed on their reaction created more suffering for him.  When we place a meaning on someone’s actions, we also give our power away to them.  In the end, Charlie saw his tree standing strong and illuminated by everyone’s love.  As everyone sang around the tree, he sang and felt joy.  Everything he felt about that tree was a projection regarding what he already felt about himself.  His interpretations all came back to him and his self perception.

No one really does anything to us- it is our interpretation that makes it something.  Our interpretation is rooted in our self perception and how we are feeling at that moment in time- powerless, vulnerable, sad- even happy.  No one can hurt us, we simply say their actions hurt us, and thus reconciliation within must take place.  That reconciliation is forgiveness.  Let joy into your heart through this reconciliation and new awareness so we can all find ourselves singing around Charlie’s illuminated tree without the perceived separated self!

GOOD BOUNDARIES, HEALTHY EMPATHY

Attachment, Boundaries, Buddhism, Co-dependent, Compassion, Ego, Emptiness, Forgiveness, Perception, Power, Psychology, Self Perception, , , , , , , , ,

BOUNDARIES– what does this word really mean?  I once heard a speaker at a spiritual conference refer to boundaries as a joke.  I remember hearing this person scoff at the word and laugh in front of hundreds of people while she issued her commentary on lifestyle magazines and their “silly” articles.  I remember immediately thinking- really?  I actually was quite surprised and felt sad that there were so many vulnerable people around me learning that “boundaries” in a spiritual context were something dreamed up by the mind and trying to maintain them was ignorance.

It bothered me because I was someone that had very poor boundaries growing up, and was still someone struggling to understand what they really meant in my relationships- particularly with my boyfriend (and past boyfriends).  That conference was years ago, and I am still learning- but fortunately, years later- I have really owned up to my lack of boundaries and my former lack of awareness.

When I first started hearing about this word “boundaries”, I remember feeling like it was a word from an alien language.  I eventually learned that as a very sensitive person that learned to be the balancer in my group of siblings, I had a real problem blurring the lines between my feelings and someone else’s, leading to a deep lack of understanding that other people are capable of taking care of themselves and I am not responsible for how other people handle their consequences and reactions.  I lived a life of co-dependent relationships, lacking the ability to provide any accountability for behavior that was not in line with my definition of integrity.  I constantly compromised myself by being in relationships with people that also had bad boundaries and would do things that didn’t feel “right” to me.

It is easy to take the nihilistic point of view here and interpret the understanding of emptiness in a way that can be extremely dysfunctional.  Things do exist in the way that we see them from our point of view- but that is our reality and it does not mean that our point of view is any less skewed than another person’s because if we are living in an ego-driven reality then we are all delusional.  But it is also important for extremely empathic, compassionate people to understand that we are not responsible for another person’s choices and all we can do is stand in our own integrity and simply love by loving the Buddha nature of that person.

When we hold someone in that space, we are doing more than we realize, and we don’t always have to do anything else.  When we correct our mind, we help others correct their mind as well.  If we choose to not engage in another person’s drama and allow them to experience their karma through their gift of free will, yet love them by healing our inner-divide, we are doing them a greater service than trying to be involved in a relationship with them that is based on you being accountable for their state of mind.  For me this was revolutionary, and for the first time in my life I had real clarity when I was able to say in my heart that this person before me was capable of being responsible for their reactions, not me.

One morning in my journey to work I heard a clip on the radio from the interview with Rihanna and Oprah.  In the interview Rihanna was talking about how all she really cared about was that her abuser was happy in his life, and that was what mattered the most to her.  As I listened I realized how co-dependent this person still was, and it made me feel deep compassion for her.  I also felt sad that this was not brought up by Oprah in the interview because it seemed so clear to me.  She was still living out the same pattern with this person- and she was still feeling accountable for how this person felt- whether it was happiness or sadness.  This is the reason many people stay with abusers- another blurry line.

That speaker I heard years ago can mock me too if she would like to, or compare me to a silly lifestyle magazine.  But I feel it is extremely important in my work as a life coach and teacher to remember that there is a gradual process in understanding how our ego-driven mind can block us in understanding what the Buddha nature is within ourselves and how we share it with one another as spiritual beings innately connected with one another.  Until we can heal that which is broken within us emotionally, we are blind to our oneness.

It begins with recognizing the Buddha nature within our hearts and having compassion for our own suffering, then others.  And compassion is not about giving your power and energy away in an effort to ease someone’s suffering.  It is about seeing someone’s suffering and understanding that it is your suffering as well.  It involves seeing that we in our ignorant mind may not understand fully the dynamics of a karmic situation, but we can end dysfunction through the free will and choice that we have, and choose to live our life in a healthy way free of dysfunctional self perception.  This leads to forgiveness and no attachment, and without attachment we are able to see our true nature, our Buddha nature.

LESSONS LEARNED FROM POP CULTURE

Buddhism, Compassion, Ego, Emptiness, Perception, , , ,

Ok- as part of my work as a writer, I find myself always dishing about movies and how they provoked my mind and heart to open just a little wider.  I love movies, what can I say?  And no matter what I’m dealing with while I navigate my mental and soul-driven landscape, watching a movie is like opening a book up to a random page that will teach me something relevant to what I am learning in that present moment.  Since perception is largely guided by the ego-driven mind, perceptions and points of view are constantly changing and impermanent.  I can watch a movie now, and years later watch it again with a whole different interpretation and feeling around it.

Every experience that we have in life is a tool for personal growth if you choose to look at it that way- even pop culture!  I know you’re asking, really?  And I’m saying, “ABSOLUTELY!” I might be the only person in the world that watched Bridget Jones Diary after every break-up (I know that is ridiculous and completely untrue) and cried when she cried after her run-in with the American stick figure in her man’s bathroom, but I guess I’m choosing to “out” myself here.

Nonetheless, I was watching Babel for the first time because I secretly knew for years that the film would completely put me into a spiraling depression, but there I was on a Saturday night ready to rock and roll.  As I watched the film, I felt my anxiety rising like the speed of a rocket bound for a crash and burn.  Every situation continued to get worse, and I found myself thinking- how could it get any worse, and yet- it did, again and again and again!

The most difficult part of that film for me was watching people suffer and make choices that you knew would cause even more suffering.  In being a deeply empathic person, films like Babel should come with a warning sticker for me.  Like those fluorescent green “Mr. Yuck” stickers my Mom used to put on everything in the kitchen sink.  Racism, emotional isolation- all mental torture.  So of course, I had to do some reflection while I watched.  In Buddhism, emptiness teaches at its core that there is no separate self.  The ego-driven mind will do everything it can to prove to you that there is and it is easy to buy into it because it is a mental habit that we have relied on for thousands of years.  Babel was painful for me because it demonstrated the constant battle we carry around with us between the ego-driven mind and our higher mind- the part that is simply, patiently waiting for us to pay attention and “get it.”

I found myself practically yelling at the screen, which is probably the way I would be yelling at myself if I could watch my life like a film.  Every choice we make affects another, whether we are conscious of it or not, because we are not separate beings.  We are interconnected in our deepest essence- whether you want to call it a soul, or our nature.  The “out” we have in all of our suffering in watching others suffer is the path of compassion and the choice to not live in ignorance.  The more awareness we choose to gain and develop, the less we live in ignorance, the more compassion we can cultivate, and the more we help the world.  It all starts with a redevelopment of our self perception, and choosing to remember our true nature- which is empty of meaning, empty of a separate self.  Thank god that movie is over!

Losing my Duality

Compassion, Death, Forgiveness, Grief, Karma

Knocking on Death’s Door
By: Jessica Burnham

Think not disdainfully on death, but look on it with favor, for even death is one of the things that nature wills. Marcus Aurelius Antonius, Meditations

The notion of death can be perceived in many ways. Kali the Hindu goddess is deemed the bearer of death and destruction. Many fear the idea of death and destruction that Kali embodies, without thinking about how important it is to our life. Without death and destruction our lives would not be a mirror for our evolution at all. We would remain without growth, enlightenment- and nothing would ever end. We would be living Bill Murray’s life as the eternal weather man in the film Groundhog Day, only it probably wouldn’t be quite that funny.

The great thing about Murray’s character in that film, is that he finally gets sick of trying to die and end everything without ever growing and seeing beyond his self centeredness- and realizes that he has this great opportunity to become something worth living for and for others. Would it not be amazing if we could look at our present life as the eternal Groundhog Day? That this life will continue on after our death, only in another form, and we would still experience the same old crap that we currently experience unless we decide to take hold of this amazing gift and use it for the highest good of all sentient beings?

Grace has given many of us experiences that show us how fleeting our current life is, and the wisdom to take heed. We can choose to use this life to its maximum capacity for our growth as evolving beings, and not only change the world in which we live in- but change the world others live in as well.

Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. Mahatma Gandhi
This quote by Mahatma Gandhi says it all. “Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” He certainly did, didn’t he? The thing is, we will live forever and if not in this life, or maybe in the next, we will all experience what we are meant to experience- the understanding that every moment is a moment of dying or ending. Only it is not the way our ego perceives dying. It is the end of something completed, only to give rLosing my Duality
By: Jessica Burnham

When we look at the world around us, it is sometimes difficult to see the silver lining when so much appears to be a dark tunnel with no end in sight. Just take a look at the news, and you will most likely feel immediately like you are sinking into a “pit of despair,” to use a phrase from the classic Princess Bride (I wish I could whisper it in that sinister voice!). Aside from all the sadness being presented in the media, we have our own world of suffering. It is almost like walking on a trampoline. As we try to move forward, we sink and lose our balance with each step. This walk requires a delicate balance, then someone else gets on and decides to jump really hard- throwing you up even further into the air- our world of ‘no control’. We get in our car, and hear something we don’t like- we don’t feel so warm and fuzzy anymore. We come into work and the entire computer system is down, everyone wants something immediately- and that sinking feeling begins to take over once again. Down the elevator we go!

I find one of my greatest challenges in life is that I am constantly trying to rationalize or understand the darkness I see around me. When I see that someone has murdered their family I can’t help but try to understand, why would a person wake up one day and choose to commit this heinous crime? Where does this desperation come from? Is it simply karma? Or is there something deeper, and so innate that it is impossible to truly understand?

What about the human being, who can look within their heart, and feel so much compassion for this darkness that they are capable of the deepest love even during a time of great despair? I think about the Amish community, who lost a number of children during a murderous crime committed against their most innocent while attending school. They came together in a statement and emphasized forgiveness, compassion- and invited the widow of the individual who decided to take these beautiful lives from this Earth into their homes to grieve.

Have you ever seen someone suffer to the point of exhaustion as an outsider? You say to yourself, “If they could only feel more compassion for their own suffering, and know how loved they are? How special they are?” Yet, how often do all of us look at our selves with disgust, anger, and shame? We are capable of feeling a greater compassion for others than we are for our own suffering and actions.

My whole life I have come to tears whenever I hear the song, Amazing Grace. The line in which the writer, the one who was able to express their pain and light simultaneously in such a remarkable song, talks about how they were lost, and then they were found. This individual encountered some of the most gruesome conditions committed against humanity during their life in the slave trade, and truly felt lost in darkness. But through grace, he was able to love so deeply and forgive himself, as well as others for their unconsciousness. It is amazing how our unconsciousness and the unconsciousness of others can bring us to our knees in surrender, and lead us to that light at the end of the tunnel of humanity’s darkness. The tears that I live when I hear that song are evidence of my own surrender to loving the deepest darkness within my self and others.

What freedom exists in love and compassion for our own self inflicted crimes? And how amazing is it that unconsciousness can bring so much freedom in the end of the deepest suffering? When I was in my first year of college, I was truly in one of the darkest places of my life. I looked at myself in the greatest form of judgment. I felt so abandoned, lost and scared. My world became complete chaos and I had to come to terms with truly being alone. I prayed with all the energy in the world for help and forgiveness- almost begging spirit for relief from my pain. One night, as I did this, on my knees in tears of agony, I felt my body fall. Only my body didn’t fall from anywhere. It was like I was lifted into the air, and all of my sadness and delusion had been lifted out of me. The deepest calm I had ever experienced up until that point in my life came over me, and I felt nothing but gratefulness and peace. I lay there in deep astonishment, and I clearly heard the words “You are forgiven”. Yes, I was always forgiven- but the words were spoken to me and given to me in a way I never knew had existed. These simple words brought me to peace. And they cleared the darkness that I could not see through- the darkness of self inflicted unforgiveness.

When we can give this gift of forgiveness and a love that is accepting of other’s shortcomings to our self and those around us, they too can feel the same thing that spirit gives to us so often. Our connection to spirit as spirit’s love is such a gift. It blossoms before us in the most mundane situations, in the darkest situations, and the happiest of experiences. It is so versatile, and lives everywhere. Our inability to see it at times of crisis brings us to an even greater experience of love when we do see it- the yin and the yang. It is like walking through a tall maze. Our view is obstructed, and we feel lost. The free, openness of the Earth is just above these self inflicted walls. And the only source that can ever remove those walls is you and your deep connection to the deepest love that you are.

Our unconsciousness is necessary for growth- for without it, we could never have compassion for those that are unconscious, deluded. We could never say- ‘Oh ya, I understand why they did that- I understand what they need.’ We can see when another is lost, because we have been lost. And we can love another when they are lost, just as we have learned to love ourselves through our own maze of delusions. A master, a bodhisattva, knows compassion because they have understood it in their own life. And they have transcended the need to choose and hold onto what love is not. This brings a great sense of appreciation for the darkness in our lives- it connects us to others and helps us see beyond the delusion of separation in the physical. Isn’t it ironic that the darkness we loathe within our core and within others is probably the greatest connector between us?

This is our path before us, as we navigate the illness of society and humanity. But as we go beyond the “I”, it will become easier and easier to see with eyes of compassion and grace. And we will remember when someone is lost before us, that we too were lost and then we were found through compassion, love and grace. se to the next step, phase, experience; yielding to us the present moment- a moment without attachment to anything in the past or future.

In my coaching work, we are taught to ask this question- what are you willing to risk or give up in order to accomplish your goal. I often think of this as- what are we willing to end? What pattern or addiction that we are attached to keeps us chained to our monkey mind’s demands- and does not provide opportunity for growth and evolution?

In Buddhism, they teach a lot about attachment. I was sitting on a plane returning home after visiting family for the holidays. I was reading a book about anger by Thubten Chodron, a Buddhist nun, and I looked over at my significant other wanting affection. I gave him affection- hoping for some in return and it was not granted. I felt bad inside, but didn’t say anything. Then I looked at my book and began reading again. I immediately came to a paragraph about attachment to relationships, and how they feed an expectation for affection. I laughed inside at how amazing the universe delivers these little tidbits when we need them most.

I chose to look inside myself and say- it is time for me to give up this attachment to this personal relationship, and all others. I can love without attaching my expectations and desires to this person. I made the choice for this addiction to end. And hopefully it will not carry over into the next life, if I can continue with my dedication to let go of my mind’s attachment. It is our attachment that makes death appear so daunting. If we were not attached to anything around us, then the idea of death would seem very simple- wouldn’t it? The fear of destruction would end- because change would be okay.

Think about it- this psychology- the fear of ending the fear of something ending. I know that sounds confusing at first- but it is a reality. How many of us really are afraid of ending the attachment to what fear does for us? What does your fear do for you? How does it give you the opportunity to hold onto things that you’ve outgrown? It is like having a co-dependant relationship with your inner demon. This co-dependant relationship is what creates our perceptual hell. Many people are afraid of death, because they don’t know what will happen after they die. But the truth is, we never know what will happen from moment to moment. All we can do is continue our evolution by letting go of our attachment to the fear of the unknown, what some people call death or destruction.