Tag Archives: karma

Abandoning My Abandonment with a Song for You

October 8, 2014Acceptance, Attachment, ForgivenessAbandonment, Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta, Alexi Murdoch, Attachment, Autumn, co-dependent, Custody, Divorce, forgiveness, karma, Life, new mexico, Perception, Sam Smith, Self Perception, Stay with Me, The HelpBorn to Be

Recommended Reading Soundtrack: Song for You by Alexi Murdoch on album Four Songs

Autumn is my favorite season in New Mexico. The weather holds a place in my soul as cool contentment, and to top it off, the ABQ International Balloon Fiesta whisks away the hot summer and carries with it sweet relief. As the aspen leaves change to a gleaming yellow on the mountain side and begin their annual transformation, it is also an ideal time in my heart to reflect on any baggage I’ve been carrying around that is also ready to transform and break away into the potential for new growth.

Stay with Me

As I drove to work this morning in bumper to bumper traffic due to the parade of balloons riding the breeze over our roadways, I found myself reluctantly sucked into the song “Stay with Me” by Sam Smith and realized it was time for me to come clean with my greatest fear- abandonment. The thing is, I’ve come to the realization that this time it is not about me feeling abandoned, but the guilt I carry every day for feeling like I abandoned my step-daughter and how that made her feel, with no opportunity to tell her that I am sorry.

What If?

In all the times I have felt alone and abandoned, the thought of causing another human being the same pain is like torture for me. It has been an issue for me my whole life and a major source of my old co-dependency issues. A struggle that pushes and pulls my heart strings, leaving me feeling suspended over an empty ocean. But a wise teacher once told me that when you experience pushing and pulling in your heart, you are not living from your greatest potential, you are living in fear’s shadow of “what if”. My fear has always been rooted in avoiding hurting others, without the realization that people are responsible for managing their own suffering. Yet, when the other person became a child the game changed for me.

I had made the decision to end my marriage because I witnessed how my unhealthy relationship with my step-daughter’s father was affecting her in a negative way and causing her to feel responsible for the management of my own emotional pain. The cycle of the “balancer” was unfolding before my very own “balancer” eyes, and I knew it was unfair to her. She deserved more.

You is kind. You is smart. You is important.

Being shut out from a step-child without any communication is so painful. There is a scene at the end of the film “The Help” when Aibleen is fired and must leave behind her employer’s child who she had been raising for the duration of the child’s life. And she is forced to say goodbye to a little girl, knowing there is no way she can understand why she is leaving. Knowing that she will think Aibleen has abandoned her. The scene captures everything that I felt in having to walk away from my marriage without the opportunity to give consolation to this dear child that had such a profound impact in my life.

I would have done anything to say, “I love you with all my heart, I will always think of you as a daughter, and would be honored to continue to play a role in your life.” But karma did not allow for this gift. And, so it goes.

Now it is time for me to place this unrelenting sadness into the fire of one of those illuminated balloons floating over New Mexico and watch it disappear into the morning sunrise. It is time for me to abandon my abandonment and trust that all the conversations I’ve had in my head and in my dreams with her have somehow reached through time and space and given her peace. Sometimes there is nothing else we can do but let it go in pure, unattached love. This time I shall watch my abandonment float away with a wish that you may know how loved and beautiful you are, always.

So Dear A, in the words of Alexi Murdoch in his “Song For You,”

So today I wrote a song for you
Cause a day can get so long
And I know it’s hard to make it through
When you say there’s something wrong

So I’m trying to put it right
Cause I want to love you with my heart
All this trying has made me tired
And I don’t know even where to start

Maybe that’s a start.

GROUP EXERCISE- Reflections on Owning Your Uncool

In your own quest to live your life from your greatest potential, your Rock Star Self, what is a great fear that you have avoided looking at and accepting? How has this fear prohibited you from living your life from a place of joy, and what opportunities have you chosen not to take because of this fear? This is a moment to seize in your vulnerability, and share with the deepest part of your self that is patiently waiting to connect with you. Embrace your “uncool” and Rock Big Love!

Daily Prompt: Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes > Life Without Change? A Life Unlived.

February 4, 2013Change, Daily Prompt, Death, Ego, Karma, Life Coach, Nature, Perception, Psychology, Reflection, Self Perception, transformation, UncategorizedAttachment, buddhism, Change, Daily Prompt, Ego, karma, Life, oneness, PerceptionBorn to Be

There is nothing permanent except change. Herodotus

Change. A scary, dramatic word for many. For nature, change is constant. For human beings, change is also constant. But for the mind- the experience of change is much like death, at least in the beginning. For the mind, a thought or a belief system generally emulates concrete. But then again, even concrete changes! It is the nature of the mind to hold onto belief systems like they are living, breathing beings that determine who we are and how the world “should” be

When I was in college studying historic preservation, I had to focus a lot of my time on the conservation of old structures. And to conserve, you had to know a building’s past, present and future. We actually had to create architecturally accurate drawings- only through a reverse process of intricately measuring every aspect of a building in its current state of life. One of the things I distinctly remember is the debate of glass being a solid or a slowly moving liquid. When you look at a glass window from the 1800s, it looks like old glass- wavy, hard to see through clearly- but still. It almost looked like it was not consistent in thickness from the top to the bottom. Apparently that has to do with the way the glass was actually made, and not necessarily with its molecular structure- but nonetheless, even though some say it is a myth, there are still scientists out there doing studies to prove if glass is a slow moving liquid or a solid.

Nonetheless- the fact that the argument is out there at all is just symptomatic of subtle change that exists on a molecular level every second around us. Change is constant, even though we can’t see it with our naked eye. The same goes for relationships, and our own mental perception of the world. In my world, our outer reality is reflective of our inner reality. How we perceive ourselves is projected around us like a film in each person we interact with in a multitude of ways.

Change never stops, one minute we are born and with every day thereafter, our body is different. The thing is, change naturally flows in a step by step process. A butterfly does not become a butterfly in one leap. It starts with the laying of an egg, then the birth of the caterpillar, then the pupa or chrysalis, and finally- the beautiful butterfly, which may life only 1-2 weeks. If we are going to make a major change in our life, and we have the opportunity to take it in steps, I feel that the mind generally copes better with change in a step by step process.

But let’s be real! Some change simply does not unfold like a gracious symphony. The death of a loved one, the loss of a job- that is the change we cannot control. But if we are choosing a major life change- choose the healthiest options for yourself and remember your motivation with each step. This will create an outcome that will always serve your highest good- trust in this outcome is integral or else, you may just lose your mind. But then again- would that be a bad thing?

I would love to know- how have you coped with a much needed, major life change- and was it easier to do it in one swoop, or vice versa?

LESSONS LEARNED FROM POP CULTURE- LOVE ACTUALLY

November 7, 2012Buddhism, Compassion, Film, Forgiveness, Joy, Karma, Life, Life Coach, Love, Peace, Powerbuddhism, Compassion, film, forgiveness, joy, karma, Life, love, Love Actually, peace, pop cultureBorn to Be

“Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion’s starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don’t see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often, it’s not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it’s always there – fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge – they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaking suspicion… love actually is all around.” Prime Minister, Love Actually

Whenever I feel depressed or downtrodden myself in regards to life, I love to put on a film that will help me gain perspective and turn things around. It’s like that moment in the movie Reality Bites when Wynona Ryder’s character feels herself sinking as the elevator is going down. She realizes that all the roads she is attempting to take for her employment are going nowhere and she is beginning to fail miserably in her quest to validate her hope in the world she had created in graduating from college. “Love Actually” is one of those films that always helps me gain perspective, especially when I hear the opening quote by the Prime Minister. Just watching the scenes from the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport I begin to tear up.

And now, whenever I’m actually at the airport I have the same experience! I think the most catching part for me was when the quote goes into the planes hitting the Twin Towers. The writer gives insight into the beauty of our human connection and our purpose as human beings- to express love and learn from it.

“When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge – they were all messages of love.”

When I heard that piece of the quote for the first time, it was like someone opening the curtains and letting the sunlight in my heart. Whenever I hear the quote now- I have the same experience. My experience never changes no matter how many times the television comes clean with the same statement about messages of love. If you knew you were about to die and you had a chance to call someone- who would you contact to convey a message of love? Who would you forgive as well as apologize to? I know it may sound cliché, but life is short and we could very well die tomorrow. The person you want to apologize to could die tomorrow as well. There is a temporal aspect to our experience and we have to embrace every opportunity we have to clean up all the regrets and resentments we carry around in our hearts, our minds.

When I was training as a life coach, we were given a great assignment- to go through all that baggage and clean it up already. Every person I had wanted to so desperately apologize to for something I thought I had done to them- I had the opportunity now to write it all down in a big list and purify it all with love. Facebook became the greatest invention on earth for me! I was able to contact so many people and just say, “I’m sorry.” It was one of the most liberating experiences in my life. I felt so light, free- so filled with gratefulness for the opportunity to just simply let it all go. All of us have that opportunity and it is up to us to do the work, let go of our stubbornness and desire to point the finger in someone’s face.

We have a great opportunity and I recommend that everyone do it at least once in your life! One of the most interesting insights I learned through the whole process was how much weight I had placed onto my experiences all by my lonesome self with shame and regret- when the other person did not even have a clue nor did they even think I had really hurt them. We feel shameful and embarrassed for behaving certain ways in our ignorance or incorrect state of mind and don’t realize how much this baggage really affects us. When you grab your past by the reigns and really plunge into the future with full-on releasement you free yourself from the grasping of the mind that perpetuates karma. You give to yourself, as well as that other person, a great opportunity of freedom and joy. And, it is beautiful.

If you feel scared in your attempt to nullify an uncomfortable situation, simply remember, “…love actually is all around.”