Category Archives: Ego

Age, Impermanence and All That Jazz

March 11, 2014Aging, DPChallenge, Ego, Empowerment, Gratefulness, PerceptionA lot Like Love, Age, aging, Amanda Peet, American Beauty, buddhism, death, DPchallenge, Ego, Empowerment, Expectations, Explosions in the Sky, Gratefulness, Harry Potter, Lester Burnham, Life, Napoleon Dynamite, PerceptionBorn to Be

Recommended reading soundtrack: Explosions in the Sky, “Your Hand In Mine”

“I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn’t a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time… For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars… And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined our street… Or my grandmother’s hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper… And the first time I saw my cousin Tony’s brand new Firebird… And Janie… And Janie… And… Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me… but it’s hard to stay mad, when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst… And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life… You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure. But don’t worry… you will someday.” Lester Burnham in the film “American Beauty.”

When I read that quote, when I hear the voice in that quote- no matter how many times- chills run through my body and tears well up in my eyes. This feeling, although emotional, is an indicator of truth for me. It epitomizes what the word “age” means to me. How can we put a value on aging in a culture that markets it as unwanted, something to be resisted? Every time I find my mind wandering into a fear about aging, I flashback to the version of myself at 21 and I remember how grateful I am to no longer be anywhere in the vicinity of that age. Kind of like Amanda Peet’s character in the movie “A lot Like Love” (a simple film, yes- but who doesn’t laugh their arse off when she runs into the sliding glass door?) where she is reminded of her punk rock stage in college where she dated angry musicians. Only I always ended up with drummers.

A Time Machine & Magical Spells

Remember Napoleon Dynamite’s brother who can’t let go of his high school football career and is in search of a time travel machine? I think I would rather endure a Harry Potter spell of vomiting slugs than go back in time. Especially to high school! Why? Because transformation really sweetens the deal in life, and no matter how difficult it gets, I now at least have the emotional tools to deal with things in a more balanced way. Not everyone has experienced life in the same way- but there is something about age that I just can’t resist deep down.

You Mean I’m going to die?

It is the life, the experience that determines the molding of our belief systems that correlate with our perception of what aging will yield to us. This includes our infinite potential- all possibilities. We have a tendency to limit our potential by thinking that age determines something in the abstract about who we are, how we have failed to live up to something that does not even exist. Do you let expectations about who you are “supposed” to be bring you down, and cloud your enjoyment of life as you age? Do you remember in your actions that with each day comes the possibility of a life ended?

Sometimes I feel like I am engaged in a race against time. “I have to get this done,” I tell myself. “If I don’t accomplish this- what will it say about me? Am I wasting this life? Am I fulfilling my human purpose to help people and make this world a better place?” These are all sound questions, but they can get in the way of simply enjoying life as well and seeing how your role unfolds through active, present engagement. It is the ego’s tendency to put the pressure on, but you can be sure that if you are putting the pressure on yourself to “be” something or “do” something, then you are impeding life’s natural flow and at the same time making yourself miserable.

It’s Question Time

Age. Perhaps the only pressure we should engage in with ourselves as we age should involve the amount of love we hold in our hearts like that balloon that is about to burst- for ourselves and the true beauty of our world as Lester Burnham suggests at the end of his life in American Beauty.

Perhaps we should ask ourselves, when was the last time that we felt “anything but gratitude for every single moment” in our lives and shared that gratitude with those around us? I am grateful for this moment that I am sharing with you, and hope that together we can approach age as a meaningful gift. I am also grateful for this opportunity to reflect on my own perception of aging and how it may limit me or empower me to live a life that is engaging and powerful.

A World of Objectification? Maybe.

February 27, 2014Carl Jung, Compassion, DPChallenge, Ego, Life Coach, Media, Mind, PerceptionAlec Baldwin, Compassion, DPchallenge, Ego, Goya, Kevin Arnold, Media, Monet, Objectification, Perception, Princess Diana, Wonder YearsBorn to Be

“In the New Media culture, anything good you do is tossed in a pit, and you are measured by who you are on your worst day. What’s the Boy Scout code? Trustworthy. Loyal. Helpful. Friendly. Courteous. Kind. Obedient. Cheerful. Thrifty. Brave. Clean. Reverent. I might be all of those things, at certain moments. But people suspect that whatever good you do, you are faking. You’re that guy.” Alec Baldwin

You have to love it when someone has just had enough, and instead of sitting on the sidelines, they helplessly try to make their peace with their antagonist. Especially when it surfaces as a public rant. The rebellious part of me roots them on, but there is the other part of me that feels sad they were brought to the point of insane expressionism. One minute you can be feeling light and airy like a painting by Monet, the next minute you feel like you’re being devoured by Saturn in one of Goya’s “Black Paintings.”

We’ve all been there- especially at the end of a relationship that has gone totally downhill. After long periods of distress with anyone, you reach your breaking point. It is how you handle those breaking points that can create a defining moment in your life. You might find yourself hurling a spoon of mashed potatoes at your brother’s face like Kevin in the Wonder Years during a family dinner (insert laughter here!). Or you might be like Alec Baldwin earlier this week, writing an angry manifesto to the world of media saying “goodbye to the public life”.

Projecting Our Positives and Negatives

Yes, guilty as charged- I read it. And, I have to admit, I feel compassion for him. People who live in the public eye, whether they are “celebrities” or “politicians”, have drawn a tough lot in many ways. Everything they say or do is scrutinized, judged. The person that once existed in that shell of a body eventually becomes objectified by a media that has become a constant feeding source for the ego. They aren’t human beings anymore to the public that reads these stories or checks out their picture in People magazine. They become a story, an image to laugh at, an image to aspire to- but the human being, the world unto itself, slowly disappears in the words that try to paint a picture about them. The rabble will project their light and darkness on them and make them become what they want in that moment. It’s like an energy vampire feeding time.

Remembering Compassion, Remembering We Are Not Objects

In conjunction with this, I recently saw the film about one of our world’s most objectified women- Diana with Naomi Watts, directed by Oliver Hirschbiegel. I knew nothing about this film, and saw it on Amazon one night, wondering what the heck it was and its take on her life. To say the least, it was very well done. The film showed how difficult the life of Princess Diana became towards the end due to the media, eventually leading to her tragic death. She developed all of these strategies to get to places without the media’s knowledge, just to do something that we would see as mundane. Getting a hamburger for her was like obtaining a visa to visit Azerbaijan.

Towards the end of the film, before her fatal car crash, she attempted to eat a meal at her hotel’s restaurant, when a camera flashes from another diner. She had absolutely no privacy and you could see in Naomi Watts’ performance a shell of a person that had lost the love of her life because she couldn’t avoid the media’s attention.

Alec Baldwin stated in his letter that, “In the New Media culture, anything good you do is tossed in a pit, and you are measured by who you are on your worst day.” I find this statement fascinating, because it is true that we appear to another as they choose to perceive us. Yes, we all have “bad” days. And, yes- we all have “good” days. That’s because we are all of it- both good and bad. We never know what a person is going through, how their world may be falling apart or coming together. Knowing this, it may help us to be more compassionate beings and remember when you do see someone falling apart- that could be me.

It’s My Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To!

August 13, 2013Acceptance, Attachment, Ego, Faith, Gratefulness, MindfulnessAttachment, Baz Luhrman, Baz Luhrmann, Ego, Ewan McGregor, Faith, Grateful, Gratefulness, Life, life coach, Mindfulness, Miracles, Moulin Rouge, Nicole Kidman, purposeful perception, Self Perception, self-help, self-love, Stubborn, StubbornessBorn to Be

How easy is it to forget about all the wonderful we have in our lives and focus on what we don’t have? My inner “Stubborn Suzy” rears her pretty little head again and wants things a certain way in order to be “happy.” But often times there is a greater plan taking place and it is impossible to know all the moving pieces taking place so those big miracles can happen.

"Love is like oxygen!" Moulin Rouge — “Love is like oxygen!” Moulin Rouge

Yet. There is often this part of me that wonders…why do I have an innate desire to do something that is NOT happening? Maybe it is happening, just not as quickly as my flowering ego would like it to happen? But sometimes there is this part of me that feels like Ewan McGregor in Baz Luhrmann’s Moulin Rouge. That scene where he talks about love, and exclaims “love is like oxygen,” yet no one around him gets it, no one will believe him.

In the end his character suffers a painful fate when the person he finally gets to sing his love song to dies in his arms. There are moments when this is how I feel as life changes, and these little aspects of myself have to be let go into that abyss of the unknown. They die, and I must love and accept them so that they can make that transition.

WHY?

Why do we feel so wired to do something, yet feel like it is not going anywhere? Why does it feel so difficult to just let go? My “Stubborn Suzy” feels angry and wants to throw a temper tantrum. She just wants to tell the universe to bugger off. She wants everyone to know that it really is her party, and she can cry if she wants to. What is it that my “Stubborn Suzy” really needs, right now?

Honestly? I just don’t know. I’ll have to simply try and have a little faith in the way my heart feels, and that eventually its creations will surface in a form I will recognize. And my heart will again sing its love song.

REFLECTION EXERCISE

What are you grateful for today? What area in your life have you felt resentful about and wished that it were different? Ask yourself what aspect of yourself feels like it should be different and why? Write for 5 minutes about what you have accomplished, and how that is contributing to the “bigger picture.” Remember, it is impossible to see all the surprises the universe has in store for you, just have faith that they are on their way. Love yourself big!

Visualize This- Untying the Roots of Perception

July 24, 2013Acceptance, Attachment, Awareness, Ego, Empowerment, Love, Mind, Perception, Self PerceptionAnne Hillman, Attachment, awareness, Buddha, Ego, Elias Amidon, Elizabeth Roberts, Empowerment, Forrest Gump, Life, life coach, Life Prayers, mind, Perception, poetry, purposeful perception, Self Perception, self-love, Tom HanksBorn to Be

Sometimes this picture is the perfect physical expression of how I feel inside. When I look at this picture right now, I see a beautiful Buddha. A representation of the creative, divine nature of my being slowly emerging from the lanky, strong root system of an ancient tree obscuring my truth and happiness at this very moment. That’s right folks, I said it- an ancient tree rooted into the ground with all its might. Such are my old perceptions and belief systems that give rise to this feeling of helplessness and a desire to run like Forrest Gump from the fire I have created (2 Tom Hanks’ references in once sentence- yes!). Here I am, wrapped up in feelings that must be connected to a place where my ignorant mind dwells searching for an identity that doesn’t exist like a child playing a game.

I am face to face literally with this part of my existence that is grasping in the form of attachment to some perception of who I am supposed to be- yes this is really how I feel! This perception is the root I see in this beautiful picture, linked to a feeling of massive overwhelm. At times I simply wonder why life can feel like this grueling process of emergence when it has the potential to be so simple and easy. How do we move these roots of obscuration out of way? I hear myself singing the same old song of expectations on how I am “supposed” to be feeling.

It’s Process Time!

When you look at this picture, what do you perceive at this moment? Start with your feelings and ask yourself-

“What moment, person, or expectation do these feelings link to in my ignorant mind?”

Then breathe in the awareness you have shined into your heart.

Feel how simple it is to love yourself, no matter what you see in the world around you.

Ask to see any barriers you might be imagining between you and your greatest desires and imagine them easily dissolving in this love.

There is an excerpt from a poem by Anne Hillman in the book “365 Prayers, Blessings, and Affirmations to Celebrate the Human Journey” by Elizabeth Roberts and Elias Amidon that I’d like to share as it relates-

As we experience and accept
All that we really are…
We grow in care.
We begin to embrace others
As ourselves, and learn to live
As one among many…

Let’s Rock Big Love together everyone, we’re all we truly have on this human journey.

Facebook (What is it good for?)- Weekly Writing Challenge

July 2, 2013Attachment, Buddhism, Ego, Empowerment, Forgiveness, Mind, Perception, Self PerceptionAttachment, buddhism, Clark Griswold, Coaching, DPchallenge, Edwin Starr, Empowerment, Facebook, forgiveness, Mind the Gap, Perception, Self Perception, TwitterBorn to Be

Interchanging the word “Facebook” with the word “War” in the personally preferred Edwin Starr version of the hit Motown classic for my title has been a fun exercise for the day! I have to thank the Weekly Writing Challenge for instigating this little musical intrigue in my easily distracted mind. Now down to business.

I once sat in a teaching by a Tibetan Buddhist nun that compared Facebook to the ultimate ego indulgence. A place where egos run rampant with their over identification with self. Where attachment to an “identity” grows stronger with every random post about what so and so ate for dinner or how annoying that guy was for cutting so and so off in traffic. If I had to pinpoint the one thing that I learned from teaching people how to empower themselves it is that we have a choice in how we treat ourselves, others, and even in our use of a social media tool whether its Facebook, Twitter, or the next big thing.

I didn’t even use Facebook until around 2008, and I am even “of” that generation. I resisted it until I could find a way to make it work in a meaningful way for me. When I was training to be a life coach it was important to do your own personal work so you could help others authentically. A big exercise we did was inventory our “incompletes” and make them “complete.”

This is where you interject, “What the heck is she talking about?”

Thank you for asking!

Incompletes- those little energy suckers (or BIG) that sit in the periphery of your mind, loaded up like a Twinkie with emotions such as guilt, shame. The emotions never expire much like a Twinkie and its filling- and they clog up your life, unknowingly, like a backed up airplane runway. You want to take off but “hello!” Traffic strikes again.

That’s when I met Facebook. There were so many people in my life that I wanted to apologize to, make amends, let them know, “I am grateful for how you showed up in my life,” but couldn’t because how could I find them? I got on Facebook and like an illuminated sky on a crisp spring morning I cleared my runway of all those stuck airplanes that were weighing me down. So the question remains- is Facebook the “scourge” of the internet?

There have been lots of posts about how everything is a choice, even Facebook (including mine). So guess what? For me it all comes down to perception! I literally made Facebook “purposeful” and chose to engage with it in a positive, meaningful way where I could heal some old self-inflicted wounds and enrich my life. And boy did it help me breathe. To that note, I’d like to sing a rousing “Happy Birthday” and give my gratitude for the lightness I feel in my heart today due to this rocking scourge of the internet. Perception is a shaky topic because people stand by them like they are a part of their body. But when I can acknowledge and own the power it plays from the ignorant mind to the purposeful mind, I can determine its role in my life rather than allow “it” to determine me.

In the perfect words of Clark Griswold, “Alleluia! Where’s the Tylenol?!” Thanks Mr. Griswold for that perfect ending.

Let’s Rock Big Love!

My POP Song Dilemma

June 18, 2013Acceptance, Boundaries, Co-dependent, Ego, Life Coach, Love, Meditation, Mind, Perception, Self Perception, self-helpco-dependent, Ego, Katy Perry, Life, love, Lyrics, meditation, Music, Perception, pop culture, Pop music, Self Perception, Taylor SwiftBorn to Be

I know I have my opinions about music, but there is one thing about pop music in the present moment that drives me batty- the lyrics. And how fitting, to see this recent “Taylor Swift feminist doppledanger” created by Clara Beyer, a rising senior at Brown University, in the news creating more empowering lyrics for Swift’s music! After living much of my life in a co-dependent fog I can’t help but notice how often lyrics are very reflective of a co-dependent state of mind, feeding a monster within our society that says “I need you” under the guise of love. Between the neediness and the victim mentality I seem to find myself plugging in my mp3 player almost immediately upon entering my vehicle or being that really annoying person that keeps changing stations with the hope that something listenable will magically start playing.

The ignorant mind thrives on lyrics like “This is the part of me, That you’re never gonna ever take away from me” from Katy Perry in her song Part of Me. I mean, no one can ever take a part of you away without your general consent- hence the continuous victim droning that plays over and over again on the radio. Most of the listeners of Katy Perry are young girls that are buying into this fake sort of empowerment, rather than learning that relationships are not about compromising your integrity to have someone in your life.

In reflecting, it is difficult for me to know that other girls really believe this stuff and continue to act it out because I used to do the same thing, and it caused me a lot of suffering. Not everyone has the tools to walk out of the fog of these types of limiting perceptions, and they continue to teach them to their own children, hence the cycle continues. My meditation teacher taught me that the greatest way to help the world was to meditate on my own inner peace. I am so grateful every day for what he taught me, and will continue to work to help all by working on the healing of my very own heart.

There is this great scene in Sex in the City, the first film, where Carrie is reading Cinderella to her goddaughter and she pauses at the end to make sure the little one understands that life does not always turn out that way. The little girl naively shouts for her to read it again. Carrie ends the scene with “Another one bites the dust.” It’s funny, because it is true.

Lessons learned out of my pop song dilemma:

Perceptions that thrive on “me versus you” are rooted in the ignorant mind.
I am accountable for me and how I perceive the world- no one else.
I always have a choice to either accept someone else’s feelings or indulge in being a victim of their feelings.
My self-perceptions will always reflect in the way a relationship is unfolding- the more I shift my self-perceptions into purposeful perceptions, the more my relationships will reflect these perceptions rooted in empowerment and joy.